Getting good at not understanding.

Patti Shaffer is a hero of mine in more ways than one. I want to be like her, but never wanted to be part of some of the clubs she is in. The "Losing a parent to Alzheimer's", "Surviving a Miscarriage, Cancer, Husband Almost Dying in Motorcycle Accident, and Getting Good at Not Understanding Why" Clubs. I really didn't want an invitation to ANY of those.

Well.

I now find myself an unwilling member of two: "Miscarriage" and "Getting Good at Not Understanding Why".

There are some things that I won't understand on this side of Heaven. Miscarriage is one.

She texted me this a couple of days ago

"When we walk across heavens threshold, the first thought will be, 'of course'. For one day, it will all make sense." - C.S. Lewis

To be quite honest, I want this to be behind us. I want it to be something that happened and not something that is currently happening. The anticipation of what comes next is so hard for me.

My body, like my heart, is still holding on. Its been 2 weeks since we've learned what had happened, and around 4 since our Maker decided Hope Caroline was better off in Heaven.

My desire since day one has been for my body to take care of itself naturally and to not have to take labor inducing medicine or have surgery, but my heart has changed. There is something morbidly wrong, for this Momma, to "pass" the tissue of a baby into the toilet and flush it. Unless that happens over the next couple days, I can't do that on purpose. I am visual and ultra sensitive, and I think that would break my heart even more.

We've contacted our loved OB and midwife in Orlando and will be scheduling surgery next week, Lord willing. Tim starts school on Tuesday, and we have an amazing support in Orlando to help with Gracie while I recover.

I have many friends who have traveled this road before me and have given me their insight and what they did, and I am so thankful. Sad that they went through it too, but thankful for what they have shared. There isn't one way to cope or handle this situation, and will not pretend that the road we are taking is the only right one. My friend Emily told she thinks everyone that goes through this has to figure out what is best for them. I couldn't agree more.

Yes, we understand the risks associated with surgery.
Yes, we have prayed about this.
Yes, we are sure.

While we know everyone is well intentioned, please save your D&C horror stories for someone else. We are trusting the Lord in this too.

We are looking forward to getting back to a "new normal".

My poor husband has been running 100 mph since August and the first thing he hears when he walks out of his last final exam is, "I am bleeding and on my way to the hospital". This break has not been relaxing at all. He hasn't stopped to breathe and in a week has to start his busiest semester yet. On top of it all Gracie is teething and might have an ear infection. He is a superstar and I CANNOT imagine going through this without him.

For now, I just keep reminding myself that one day I will be able to say "of course".

We would covet your prayers as we seek to walk out the next couple of days and weeks.

Random thoughts.

Things I have learned through this:

Emotions hit at different times with different intensities. And I thought PMS was bad. Wowzers.

People I do not even know have reached out in ways that are beyond my imagination. It makes me realize that you don't have to be friends with someone to touch their soul. I will be much more aware of others around me in pain. I will reach out, regardless if we are close or not.

I love getting flowers and cards but getting sympathy flowers and cards are different. I am, however, every thankful for everyone of them. While I do not like what they stand for, not having any would make this journey even more difficult. They make us feel loved. Thank you!

My precious sister in law took family pictures for us at Park Ave yesterday. It was bittersweet. I love having new pictures, but it was going to be the day that we did pictures for christmas cards to announce that there were soon going to be 4 of us. To me, I look 2 and a half months pregnant...I love finally looking pregnant but I don't like it when there isn't a baby with a heartbeat. Its just another reminder of something that was, that is no longer. Its rather depressing actually. In fact, you can see it on our faces.

While I very much appreciate everyone telling me that I am brave, that my faith is amazing and I am an inspiration, I still want my baby back. This is when I have to lean in to the chest of Christ and trust that this really is a part of my story, and it will make me better.

I am a list maker and follower--check it off the list and be done. I can't do that with this. I have to be patient with the process.

Prayer request: Please pray that my body is able to do things naturally. They will only let you go for so long before they want to do a d&c--because they are afraid of infection. I do not want a d&c but do not want an infection either. I will be going to the Dr. in Ft. Lauderdale on the 28th.

Pray for my sweet husband. He is so strong. His faith in His God is contagious and I am SO proud of him. He is hurting just the same, probably in ways I can not comprehend.

Pray for my heart. There are many emotions still to come, I am sure.

Hope Caroline

My Hope is in the Lord, and my Hope is with the Lord.

The night we found out our second treasure was with her Maker, I dreamed it was a girl.

I woke up last night and couldn't go back to sleep. Through my tears I asked Jesus to hold her close enough that she would be able to hear His heart the same way she heard mine.

It was as if He whispered, "Have Hope Lis, I have Hope".

Today our hope remains in the Lord that knew all of this long before we did.

Hope Caroline Graeser, you are a loved, precious and perfect treasure. The only thing softens the blow of losing you is knowing that you are in the arms of the Father and will never have to live in this evil, sinful and dark world. You were created for Heaven. Your heart will never be broken, sad or in pain. You will only know joy and rejoicing with the Risen King all the days of your life.

We are rejoicing with you today and can't wait to be with you again! Until then, we will do our best to embrace and walk through these days knowing the Lord will be faithful to carry us through. We are smiling as we think about you and all that eternity holds.

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body" -C.S Lewis

Uncharted waters.

If you think about us, will you pray for us? We are swimming in tears that we have never cried before. Uncharted waters.

The announcement was never formal, and now I'm very glad we kept it close. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and yesterday everything changed. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I began cramping and bleeding when I woke up yesterday morning. My first thought when I saw the blood was, "My God is the same God that He was yesterday--before I woke up to this, He was, and is, and will be."

While I began praying silently for this precious child that the Lord was forming inside me, He began to prepare my heart.

The cramps got worse and so did the bleeding. The doctors recommendation was to head to the Emergency room--they needed to see an ultrasound to determine what I already knew: my baby was in the arms of our Savior. I didn't want to go. That would make it final, more real.

"I know the plans I have for you, Lis"

I will rest in that. I am. We are.

When Tim was done with his final exam, he started the drive from Miami, and I started the drive to the same hospital where Gracie was born. I found myself laying on a hospital bed reciting the same verse that I had said over and over again to myself while I was laying in the OR for an Emergency C-section with her almost two years ago.

"For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind"

Cling to that. I am. We are.

Holding Sarah's hand, reciting "In all things give thanks" The ultrasound tech was quiet, didn't turn the screen towards me or offer to hear the heart beat, it was if He whispered,
"Be still, and know that I am God"

I am not, but I know I am!

I saw her finish her paper work and watched her type "0" in the heart beat box.

The tears started then, and haven't really stopped.

The pain is great, but He is greater still.

"So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it. 1 Peter 4:17 MSG

The physical pain is a constant reminder of the things my body is going to endure with no reward on this side of heaven, but oh the day when I cross through those gates and run to hold my child for the first time! Physical pain will dissolve, but the eternal will remain forever.

As I erase the weeks counting up to my due date every Tuesday, it will be a contant reminder to keep counting--keep counting the blessings. The gifts. For there has to be something better than this.

I bought a new book on Tuesday with no idea of what was going to unfold this week- here is what I read this morning.
"What if we knew this interrupted life was less about the problem and more about the process? What if we knew this road block or aggravation hadn't caught God by surprise even if it's come as a shock to us? What If we knew that the direction He was taking us provided opportunities we'd always dreamed about, even if they didn't look exactly the way we thought they would? What if we knew, by not getting what we wanted, God was ultimately giving us something better? I think we can know-and live like we know." -Priscilla Shirer, Life Interrupted.

I don't know anything other than this: God is good, ALL the time, He loves me more than I love the baby He is holding, and His plans for me are good.

Is this day hard? Harder than you know unless you have been through it too.

My hearts desire this year has been "Heaven in '11", and that will not change.

I have an even stronger desire to get to heaven today than ever before. I can't wait! Just a warning: If the rapture happens, and we all go together, you better run faster than these Graeser's because we will knock you down to get there!

Come Get us Lord Jesus!

Sleepless nights

She is still for the moment, but that won't last long. She doesn't feel good, is uncomfortable and feverish. She fights to keep her paci in her mouth while still trying to breathe. It is a pitiful sight indeed.

Out of the blue this sickness struck. No signs of it. No warning when she went to bed last night that when she woke this morning, things would be different. Her nose like a faucet, her mood clingy, her eyes like a sad puppy. My girl doesn't feel good, and it hurts this momma's heart.

The humidifier is blowing moist air while I sit rubbing her head, praying for healing, comfort and quick recovery, I am thankful.

Thankful that it is just this. Just a cold. Just a runny nose. Just a low grade fever.

There are many that have gone before me that would have done anything to have a sick baby. To have this baby that just has a cold. I can't help but think of the mom's who hold an even sicker child as chemo is pumped into their small, fragile bodies. The mom who rubs her head while the hair continues to fall out. While the breathing machine isn't ever going to be turned off on this side of heaven unlike the humidifier in the morning.

While I beg for Him to take her cold away, they beg for the day when their prayer was that simple. A cold.

Perspective.

It doesn't make it easier, but it makes me thankful. Don't take for granted what you have, for some day, it may be gone.

It may be a long night of wiping her nose, checking her fever and administering Tylenol, but at least we're at home and not in a hospital. At least it's Tylenol and not chemo, and at least we're checking fevers and not pulses.

Thank you Lord for the health of my sweet Gracie girl. I do not take it lightly. She is yours Lord, but I am so glad you gave her to me to mother for this time.

Blessings by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

The Resolution for Women

THE RESOLUTION

I DO SOLEMNLY RESOLVE to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it.  I will resist the urge to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirit of contentment.

I WILL CHAMPION God's model for womanhood in the face of a pro-feminist culture.  I will teach it to my daughters and encourage its support by my sons.

I WILL ACCEPT and celebrate my uniqueness, and will esteem and encourage the distinctions I admire in others.

I WILL LIVE as a woman answerable to God and faithfully committed to His Word.

I WILL SEEK to devote the best of myself, my time, and my talents to the primary roles the Lord has entrusted to me in this phase of my life.

I WILL BE a woman who is quick to listen and slow to speak.  I will care about the concerns of others and esteem them more highly than myself.

I WILL FORGIVE those who have wronged me and reconcile with those I have wronged.

I WILL NOT TOLERATE evil influences even in the most justifiable form, in my self or my home, but will embrace and encourage a life of purity.

I WILL PURSUE justice, love mercy and extend compassion toward others.

I WILL BE FAITHFUL to my husband and honor him in my conduct and conversation in order to bring glory to the name of the Lord.  I will aspire to be a suitable partner for him to help him reach his God-given potential.

I WILL DEMONSTRATE to my children how to love God will all their hearts, minds, and strength, and will train them to respect authority and live responsibly.

I WILL CULTIVATE a peaceful home where everyone can sense God's presence not only through acts of love and service but also through the pleasant and grateful attitude with which I perform them.

I FULLY RESOLVE to make today's decisions with tomorrow's impact in mind.  I will consider my current choices in light of those who will come after me.

_________________________________

Holidays!

I have a thing for Holidays.
I like Holidays.

Ok, I am a little obsessed with holidays in general. All of them! In my mind its always, "Go big or go home!"

I love the purpose of holidays. Celebrating the birth of someone (birthdays), Celebrating love (Valentines Day), Celebrating the Risen Savor (Easter), Celebrating our freedom (July 4th), celebrating the child in all of us that likes to dress up and play pretend (Halloween), Giving Thanks (Thanksgiving), the Birth of our Lord (Christmas), new goals (New Years), etc.

I love them!

BUT, Christmas is my favorite. All my fall stuff is out in September, so by the end of October it's time to pack it all up and get out the Christmas decorations!!

So that is exactly what I did on October 25th. Gracie and I set up her little tree in her bathroom and her slightly bigger tree in her bedroom. She loves it!

I made the mistake of thinking she was the most fun last year at Christmas but THIS year is just going to ROCK! She is SOOOO much more fun and able to understand fun little things! Like how funny it really is to have candy in your shoes and have mom tell you it's because it's St. Nicolas Day! :)

Yes, I am the person who has icicle lights hanging from my balcony and pretty proud of it!! It's time to spread a little holiday cheer, Miami!

ITS THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEARRRRRR!!

Minnie Mouse

Grace means a gift from God...

And she is...our gift from God...His Grace showered all over us. Undeserving.

Grace.

Gracie.

My precious girl

The Resolution

I love how the Lord uses books in my life to point out areas that need work.

Ok. Sometimes I hate it too.

My grandfather always said, "you will be the same person ten years from now with the exception of 2 things: the people you meet and the books you read." I want to be better in a lot of areas 10 years from now, so I read a lot of books.

The Resolution for Women by Prisicilla Shirer, is currently rocking my little comfortable world. Holy Moly. Lay off the sting, Lord!

I don't think there is a rock that goes unturned in this book...AND I'm not even done reading it.

While every point and subject she covers is good and something to work towards and resolve to become or do, one rocked me to the very core of who I am.

The Resolve to be Satisfied.
At the bottom, there is a place to sign your name. Like a contract.

I, Elisabeth Graeser, will stop whining about my life and everything I don't have or what I want, and embrace every blessing He has given me.

It doesn't say that, but it probably should. Sometimes I wonder if God doesn't grab my angel, hold her by both shoulders and say, "If you don't go find her and tell her to hurry up and learn this lesson, she is going to audibly hear from me!" Thanks, Angel (in this case, Priscilla...I am getting it!)

All things. Not just some things.

In little and in much. How I long to proudly say, "I've learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I'm just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little." Phil 4:11

I compare myself to others more than I really realize. More than I care to admit for sure. It is really disturbing actually.

On any given day I make up in my mind a life that is not mine. A house I can't afford, a car I don't drive, a husband who doesn't work, a baby who never disobeys, a body that is straight out of a health magazine, a family that lives on the same street, and a relationship with the Lord that never doubts, always trusts, never fears and is always faithful. A nice cross between the Proverbs 31 woman, Esther, Ruth, David, Paul, Soloman, etc. I pick and choose something from everyone I know that I like, and play house. Dress up.

And then. The evil step mother pipes in, i.e.: satan.

"you know you could have that if you didn't.."
"you deserve that"
"if you would just..."

The truth of the matter is this: I live this life that Lord has blessed me with for His glory alone. I have because He gives, I have not because it's not best for me. This is my season. This is my life.

I have come to the realization that if I continue to "just get through medical school", my daughter will be 4, my husband a resident, and I would have the same heart I had when we started. Resentful, bitter, impatient, unkind and untrusting. How many things would I have missed along the way? Ballet? Vacation bible school? Preschool? The chance to pray for my husband for one more exam. One more quiz. Pack his lunch one more time. All for what? To just hurry to get to residency, then hurry though the next season.

I refuse to be 70 years old and look back on my life with regret that I just wish I had listened to those who have traveled before me to fully engaged. To wish that I did hard things.

Life is hard, and it is never going to get easier. Growth is painful, but remaining unchanged is a death sentence.

Here is my current reality.

I am the wife to a brillant medical student. I am the mom to an amazing 19 month old.
I am the supporter and encourager of the next doctor who may save a limp of an elderly man with gangrene, fix a fracture of a college baseball player, or correct the precious toes of a newborn with club feet.
I am raising the next generation of a daughter who will fear God and serve Him fearlessly. She will be a world changer, because she has already changed mine.
Together we will do what the Lord has called us to do.

No. Matter. What.

No matter how hard, how long or how unfair. No matter how lonely, stressful or uncertain.

I will be content in this season of life.
I will be content in this season of life.
I will be content in this season of life.


"I do solemnly resolve to embrace my current season of life and will maximize my time in it. I will resist the urged to hurry through or circumvent any portion of my journey but will live with a spirt of contentment."


There are so many times when the only thing I can say out loud to the one that doesn't want me to succeed, grow or learn a valuable lesson is this...You said I couldn't, wouldn't and would die trying, and this I say to you Satan. I AM, I WILL and For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain.

Radiating Pain..

This morning, Gracie woke up a little before 6am, complaining that she had to go potty. My gut said that she probably didn't have to go to the bathroom, but that she was just hungry. She didn't eat a very good dinner last night, and turned down her before bed snack.

Trying to convince her that she was just hungry, and if she had some breakfast she would feel better was harder than I imagined. Her belly hurt, so surely she just had to go potty...and eating at 6am was the last thing on her little mind.

Jesus, in His gentle voice, whispered to me, "your pain sometimes is radiating too. What you think is causing it, really is not".

Growing pains, even at 27 hurt. I'd much prefer the kind that you could take some aspirin, have your daddy rub the back of your legs, and in a matter of 20 minutes feel like a brand new kid. These pains are different. Or are they?

Can't I curl up on the couch, with a little medicine (scripture) and feel like a brand new kid in 20 minutes? Yes, and I do!

When my growing pains become unbearable, I quickly realize I have had my morning meeting with my Savior, bible, and journal.

Lord Jesus, keep me heart and ear tuned to the spiritual lessons of life...thank you for using my precious daughter to do it. You are amazing.

Expectations

I have high expectations. Of a lot of things, but as I am learning recently, mostly about myself.

In my mind, everyday starts at a zero, and if I complete all of my tasks and to do list, then I end at 10. If I don't, I end in negative numbers.

Recently, a lot of my days have been ending in negative numbers, which to me, is extremely frustrating and even a little depressing. I feel like there is not enough time in a day to do all that my "wish list" holds. Get up early enough to have my quiet time with the Lord, exercise and shower all before Gracie wakes up, morning chores, run errands, make lunch, get Gracie down for a nap, CCS work, swim lessons, make dinner, clean up house before Tim gets home, eat dinner, clean up again for the 100th time, bath time, play time with daddy, clean up again and then bed time.

Gracie hasn't been sleeping well. Read that as, won't sleep unless she is in my bed. Go ahead and pass your "I would never let my kid sleep in my bed" judgements. It's ok. I didn't think I would either...until, she was waking up 4-5 times from night terrors, petrified and begging to be held. After the 3rd time, it's a lot easier to put her in my bed and go back to sleep.

So, after nights like that, the first thing to go is waking up before the sun to achieve the first 3 things on my to do list. Before my eyes even open, I am at a negative. How am I going to accomplish those things with her awake?

I once heard a quote that said, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

It is so true! When I feel exhausted and discouraged, those resentments creep in. "If I didn't have to...if she would...if he wouldn't...and on and on.

My top strengths are discipline and achiever...to operate outside of those are unfamiliar to me...to not be achieving them, goes against my very nature.

So I am seeking to explore the ways in which the Lord would have me let go of expectations of myself. I want to be able to do it all, but at this rate, I am going to kill myself trying.

Here is the truth I will continue to put in front of myself:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Abba, please help me embrace the precious season you have placed me in. Be my hands and feet. Be the center. Be glorified in my feeble attempts to be more like you. Amen

Swim lessons.

Gracie starts swim lessons in a hour. She has no idea what is about to happen, and my stomach is in knots, because I don't know what is going to happen either.

There it is again. Fear.

Of the unknown, of the wide eyed screams and calls for help. It goes against everything in you to ALLOW someone to take your child and do something that is uncomfortable and scary.

Hmmm. There is the spiritual lesson. I have to TRUST Miss Angelica with Gracie just like I have to TRUST her to the Lord. She is not mine, but His.

My eyes are set on the finished product. Her being able to float, swim, hold her breath and the peace that comes in knowing if she fell into the pool, she has the tools she needs.

My job is to give her the tools, the support, the cheers and encouragement. AND lots of lollipops and snuggles when she is done with her swim lessons.

Pray for her. Pray for me. I will attempt to be POSITIVE pool side, but right now, I just want to throw up.

I will let you know how it goes. 30 days of this. Day one starts today.

Battle of the wills

Tonight, I battled it with Gracie. I won but she put up a pretty good fight.

She is a determined and relentless treasure of gold, and I know it will serve her well in this life. However, when she is exhausted beyond belief, Mommy knows best.

The hardest stage may be approaching, if it hasn't already showed it's ugly face. She is 18 months and knows what she wants, feels things very deeply, and doesn't know how to handle her very intense emotions. (Maybe that is my problem in life, I never grew out of that stage?!) Ha! Add 2 year old molars on top of it, and shear exhaustion from playing with her cousins, and it doesn't always end pretty.

As if that isn't enough, she has been having what I think are nightmares or night terrors. My girl that used to sleep through the night wakes up frantic and terrified, practically crawling out of her bed into my arms. It truly is heart breaking.

She would much prefer to stay up until 11pm, sleep in between mom and dad, and never take a nap. I am sure she would also like to eat endless candy and cupcakes, but I guess that is why she has a mom. Certainly if she only had a Sassy, she would be allowed to do all of those things. :)

As I was putting her to bed, she was screaming my name, and all I can tell her is, "shhh, it is time for bed", and if she just closed her eyes long enough, it would all be ok. And then it hit me. He tells me that everyday too.

"Don't worry about your life, Lis, what you will eat or what you will drink. Stop fighting, rest, Be Still, and Know...know that Daddy knows best. " I fight it longer than other times. Sometimes not at all. Sometimes until I literally can't cry anymore.

And.

Then.

Surrender. Quiet. Rest.

Isn't that what He wants? Isn't there a way to get to that place without the fight? It's always a choice.

"Not my will, but Your will Lord. Not my timing, but yours".

As Gracie gives up, and her sobs turn into small, shallow, pitiful sighs, I can't help but think. The very small smile on my face, has to be on His too. When He walks away and says to the angels, "Battle of the wills. But I won".

My flesh wants to win...My heart does not. I want to surrender.

What about you?

Some of my gifts in pictures!

Untitled from Elisabeth Graeser on Vimeo.

September reading

If you have not read Angie Smith's book, "What Women Fear", it is a must!!

Read it in one day!! I loved it and gave it 5 stars! :)

Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovics, was amazing! Read it in one day, and gave it 5 stars! :)

Also really enjoyed "Why Her" by the Hunter girls.

Am in the middle of Beth Moore's study on Daniel and loving it!!

and now reading, "This Was your Life" by Rick Howard--THOUGHT PROVOKING!!

18 Months of pure joy!

This little munckin is 18 months old today!

And I love her more every single day. She is the joy of her daddy and my life!

the graduate wife

http://thegraduatewife.com/2011/09/01/aint-no-mountain-high-enough/

Med School 2.0

Year two of Med school begins today. Insert forced smile here. I'd be lying if I told you I was "excited" about this. Tim had a whole month off of school, and it was A-MAZING! We didn't travel to Paris or California like some...we hung out at home a lot. On the floor coloring, playing hide and seek, swimming in the pool, going to the mall, and just enjoying time with him. It was what we all needed.

Now its back to grind time. He has classes 5 days a week, and some until 7pm at night. It makes for long and exhausting days. BUT we are one step closer to finishing.

Here are the things that are getting me through my hubby withdraws...

The Pumpkin Spice Latte comes to Starbucks in 7 days! Can I get an 'amen'?! I am so stinkin excited about that. Our budget however, is not. I think most of my fun money will be going to Starbucks over the next couple of months.

Fall is coming, and it's time to decorate for it! Yessss please!! Bring on the pumpkin candles, sweaters, boots and cooler weather! PLEASE bring us cooler weather!

Christmas shopping and Christmas decorating comes soon after Fall and I. Can. Not. Wait!

So, here is to starting Med school 2.0, and setting my mind on positive things like Pumpkin spice and Christmas trees!!

I think I will go listen to some Christmas music now! :)

Friends for Life

Do you have friends in your life that you can call at all hours of the night and know they would do anything you need at the drop of a hat? If your answer is yes, you are among the richly blessed. If you have more than one you are ridiculously blessed.

That’s me. Ridiculously blessed. Undeserving. Fortunate. Eternally grateful.

These are the 10 women that know the depth of my heart, know my sins that stain and love me still. These are my T10 girls!


Our friendship is rare and our conversations are hysterical. I don’t think there is anything that we have not discussed. Some things, we discuss every time we are together. =)

We are all wives, some mothers, some sisters, but all friends for life.

We have been through weddings, babies, death, marriage hardships, relationship changes, and yes, even tattoos! We always come away closer than when we began.

We all value, seek and desire spiritual growth and to leave a Legacy on others we encounter.

Tracey, Jen, Patti, Eli, Hilda, Sarah, Christina, Nicole, Andrea and Jenny, I love you! You bless me more than humanly possible!

Just Jump

One year ago...
I was packing boxes, crying and screaming, "I can't do this."

He just whispered, "You can, you are fearfully and wonderfully made. I know you and I made you for this."

I was plotting every way to take the detour and avoid 95 South towards Miami.

"I know the plans I have for you, Lis, Trust me."

I don't understand how any of this could be a good idea.

"Get really good at not understanding."

If I survived, it would be a miracle.

...if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it." 1 Peter 4:17 MSG

I can't see where I am going. The road ahead is too dark. Lonely. Scary.

"For we walk by faith, not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7 NASB

Jump. It is time to grow. Your heart depends on it.

Be Still.

There is something about being needed.

Even if it's at 2:47am. I'm not surprised. She went to sleep with a less than a happy belly. Or that's the conclusion I made without the confirmation of “yes my belly hurts”. "Owie!", was all I needed to hear. She's back to sleep by 3:03am but I'm not. He had other plans.

I can probably count on two hands the times where I have been able to see what kind of growth being on this journey has brought me. This early morning brought that. In the middle of the dark, quiet night. When I was still. Quiet. Listening.

Thank you that she needs me.

Thank you that my name is the first one on her lips.

My touch. Calming. Comforting. Taking away some of the pain. For now.

These thoughts have only come with practice.

Choosing joy isn't easy and certainly isn’t my default emotion, especially at 2:47am when I'm awakened by a tearful and almost desperate cry of my name. “Mommy? Mommy?"

What a picture of me. My life. My cries.

Daddy? Heavenly Father? Abba?

Oh how I long for THAT to be my default emotion. For the first words on my lips be calling on Him in need.

All day, everyday I encounter "Just one more reason to trust God”. The unknowns are always the ways He chooses to see if my trust still lies in Him. It too, is just a choice.

I am a planner. And right now, I am a girl without a plan. He smiles. Its just where He wants me.

God is always good, and I am always loved.

His invitation remains the same for me as it always has. Do you trust me?

I'm awake. She's asleep. I sit awake smiling because He always gets His point across- no matter what time of day. It is just sweeter and easier for me to understand when I am still. “Be still and know that I am God” Psalms 46:10

Eucharisteo. Thanksgiving. Always precedes the miracle.

He used her voice to awaken me so I could hear His. I should wake her to thank her. But I won't. Tomorrow, that will be the first words out of my mouth.

Its 4:16am. Maybe He will let me go back to sleep now.

My body is a battle ground.

I am insecure. Negative. Critical. Downright disrespectful and rude to my Creator.  

Why, you ask?

Because daily, if not multiple times a day, I look in the mirror and think, "I hate my body! Are my stretch marks ever going to go away?  Am I ever going to feel good about myself?  Are those dang numbers on the scale EVER going to go down?  What a lovely six-inch scar that is!”

The very way God created me when He knit me together in my mother's womb, I criticize. I tell Him that I think, at least when it comes to me, He has failed as a creator.  

I am ashamed to admit that I have thought these thoughts as many times as there are hairs on my head, and I know that every time the light is turned off and the mirror is dark, Satan smirks. He has won the battle. He has won a victory over me. Again.

Don't get me wrong: it's not that I have been in denial or that this is a new issue for me. I have been fighting this battle since I was fifteen years old, and a boy told me I was looking "chunky" in my bathing suit. It’s amazing what damage such destructive words can do. Twelve years later, I can still hear those words as if they have just been spoken.

“Chunky.”

“Fat.”

And yet, I can also hear the whispers of my Heavenly Father, my earthly father, my husband, my mom, my sisters, my friends.

“Beautiful.”  

“Lovely.”  

“Pretty.”

Why do I listen to the one ugly voice over the ten that actually speak the TRUTH to me?

After those destructive words were spoken to me as a teenager, I decided that, of all things, I would prove him wrong. That little fifteen-year-old boy was a friend, and I am sure he was really and truly joking. In the moment, I laughed it off. It was my only defense, but it wasn’t a very good one. The damage was already done.

So I stopped eating. At least, I started eating as little as possible. I was playing basketball and cheering my junior year of high school. When I wasn't at practice for either of those teams, I was working out at home, skiing, or playing volleyball. I began to shrink. My waistline was smaller, yes, but so was my heart. This is my problem. My disease. The battle I have fought for the last twelve years.  

In her book, Loving the Little Years, Rachel Jankovic writes, "Your bodies are tools, not treasures. You should not spend your days trying to preserve your body in its eighteen-year-old form. Let it be used.  By the time you die, you want to have a very dinged and dinted body. Motherhood uses your body in a way that God designed it to be used. Those are the right kind of damages. Motherhood is what your stomach was made for—and any wear and tear that it shows is simply the sign of a well-used tool. We are not to treat our bodies like museum pieces. They were not given to us to preserve; they were given to us to use. So use it cheerfully and maintain it cheerfully. Your body is a tool. Use it."  

::sigh::

Okay.

Those stretch marks are like permanent kisses my girl left for me.  

That six-inch scar is my daily reminder to be thankful for the doctor who poured over books and tests for years in medical school to be ready for that one day—March 11, 2011, at 12:33 a.m.—the day the cord was wrapped around my girl’s neck and her heartbeat couldn't be detected.  Her life: a miracle. Her cry: the most beautiful sound to my terrified ears. 

I can feel good about myself because I am a beautiful work created by the Almighty God who doesn't make mistakes. He calls me beautiful. Complete. His.

So here is my goal: I want to eliminate the words, "I hate [blank]," from my vocabulary.

Will you hold me accountable? Will you help me stop believing Satan's lies? Will you discipline me like a mother disciplines her children when they speak destructive words to another child?  

I have a powerful motivation: my Gracie. Only sixteen months old now, but before I can blink it will be sixteen years. This battle is NOT a legacy; it’s a curse, and I do not want to pass it on to her.  

Besides, I love every ounce of her "chunk," and you know what? She loves mine, too.

Blessings.

When finals are coming up, when the baby is teething, and when we are waiting for the next check from the student loan office to come in to pay the bills, joy can go right out the window. After all, what is there to be happy about in that list of worries?

Choosing joy is a battle that I have fought for as long as I can remember, and being the wife of a medical student has only made matters worse.

When the storms of life threaten like the raging waves of the ocean with a hurricane looming on the horizon, it’s a battle just to keep your head above all that water, let alone to keep your attitude of gratitude in check and your ear tuned to the gentle whisper of the Creator who made it all! And not just made it, but allowed every detail in it to happen: “Surely, just as I have intended so it has happened, and just as I have planned so it will stand” (Isaiah 14:24, NASB).

As God plans…so it stands.

A missionary from Brazil challenged me to wake up every morning and say out loud, “Jesus, you are welcome here.” And not just welcomed, Lord, but wanted. Desired. Needed.

I don’t know where you are on this journey of being a graduate wife, but I am only beginning. My husband is starting his second year of medical school in a very dark and lonely city. Miami is my home now, but most days it feels more like a foreign country.

I have to remind myself that this life, this story, is one He penned long before I ever had any knowledge of such crazy plans.  Long before I ever let fear win for far too long or allowed my joy to be stolen.

The deceiver.

You know him: the one that desperately longs for you to live in the bondage of fear, depression and pain. Don’t get me wrong; I know life can be hard, stressful and depressing, but I believe it’s what you make of those days that really counts. It matters that you get up, brush yourself off, and play rap music way too loud to have a dance party in the living room with your 16 month old. Then the smiles come. The deep belly laughs as she shakes her entire body in an effort to shake her booty. And then the overwhelming, flowing gratitude. Thank You that I can dance and laugh and see. Thank You that my daughter is healthy enough to do all those things, too. Thank You for the glimpse into the eternal blessing of the choices I make everyday.

A wise man once said that whatever gets your attention, gets you. Stress and fear might get my attention, but I certainly don’t want them to get me!

How do you battle stress and fear? Me, I fight back with gratitude.

God is always good and I am always loved.

Counting my blessings:

Clean clothes.

Food in the fridge as I watch the homeless man dig in the dumpster.

Showing my girl how to jump in puddles.

I love what Ann Voskamp writes in her book, One Thousand Gifts. She says, “It is impossible to feel two emotions at one time. The only way to fight a feeling is with a feeling. Feel thanks and it is absolutely impossible to feel angry. We can only experience one emotion at a time.”

Therefore, I decide what I will feel. Do I choose joy or depression? Happiness or sadness? Fulfillment or loneliness? My choice.

Choosing joy has often been an extremely difficult task, but it is the quest that I have set out on. My heart and my soul desperately long to live in the freedom of that place.

Joy. No matter what.

No matter if there is enough money in the bank account, if finals are just around the corner, or if the baby is having a rough day.

Joy. All the time.

Joy. Overflowing, becoming the very essence of who I am as a woman, a wife, and a mom.

So I ask you, regardless of your circumstances, do you know how to have joy when the only reason to be happy is Jesus? Your choice.

Choose Joy. You won’t regret it. Your husband and babies certainly won’t regret it, I promise!

Noah and the Ark.

When the Lord called Noah to build the ark, do you think Noah was excited about this 100 year project? I don't know and won't pretend be Noah or know his emotions but if it was me, excited wouldn't be the word I would use. How in the world does one begin to build a boat big enough to hold a pair of every animal the Lord created?

One Board at a time.

One. Then two. Then 3. Until the boat is finished.

Noah is a hero of mine for sure. Obedient. Faithful. Courageous. Brave.

To imply that I am a modern day Noah, is a joke but sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I feel like what the Lord is asking of me is the size of the ark. It feels like a 100 year project.

Miami is my ark. Medical school is my 100 year project. 4 years of school and 3 years of residency feels like 100 years sometimes. A lot of times actually.

I want to be Noah- if nothing else to be found faithful and obedient. He was obedient and therefor avoided consequences and more often than not, I ONLY want to avoid consequences. I only want to survive this "ride". I want to hold on so tight to the Father's hand that no wave can throw me, dunk me, or drag me out to sea. The truth is, He is not going to let go of MY hand. If I let go, he will still hold on. He is my life line.

To look back over the last 11 months has been painful and rewarding all at the same time. It is encouraging to see how the Lord has softened my heart to this place and moved me from a place of extreme anger to a minute by minute trust.

I love what Brent Shoemaker said in a message he did at North Point. He said, "If you are waiting for the fear to go away, you will never move".

I remember my screaming tantrum in the bathroom of Winter Park all to well. I was terrified and all I knew to say to Tim was, "DON'T MAKE ME DO THIS!" His response was from his lips but from the Lord when he whispered, "Babe, we have to be obedient. I don't want to either, but if we are obedient, we will be found faithful, and I want to be faithful".

Be faithful. Be obedient. Avoid consequences. Allow God to be God. He takes full responsibility for the journey when you choose to follow him. Leave a legacy. Be brave. Be courageous. Be salt and light. Be love. Be a blessing. These are the things that run through my mind when fear begins to take over. These things were not what I was saying to myself a year ago. And for that, I am thankful. Thankful that the Lord has been patient with my hurting heart. Thankful that He has never let go of my hand. Thankful for the softening. I don't like it, but I need it.

When you can't get your head around it, get your heart around it-and step out or off- step up or bow down and be obedient.

To me, faith is: Saying yes to the Lord when the blind fold is still on...when the water is rising...when life is scary...when life doesn't look like it "should". When you can't hear anyone else but the still small voice that says, just hold on to ME. I won't let YOU go.

What is written on your board? What board number are you on? No matter how many times you have dropped it, burned it or painted over it. Pick it up. One at a time. And build the ark the Creator of the Universe designed you to build. You won't regret it.

From board to boat.

Go and build.

Stress and time.

Have you ever looked up the definition and signs of stress?! Holy moly!

Signs of stress may be cognitive, emotional, physical or behavioral. Signs include poor judgment, a general negative outlook,[citation needed] excessive worrying, moodiness, irritability, agitation, inability to relax, feeling lonely, isolated or depressed, acne, aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea, dizziness, chest pain, rapid heartbeat, eating too much or not enough, sleeping too much or not enough, social withdrawal, procrastination or neglect of responsibilities, increased alcohol, nicotine or drug consumption, and nervous habits such as pacing about, nail-biting and neck pains.

Those are a lot of signs and symptoms for one little word. I feel like I know that word well. Too well. I feel like I live there. How do you live with it knowing that it is not something the Lord wants me to feel? How do you pretend having a husband in medical school isn't stressful?

Living in the moment. Counting my blessings and gifts and 4:8 thinking...they help but it doesn't make it go away.

Time. I need time. His time. With no agenda. No exams to study for. Coffee because we want to drink it, not because he needs it to be awake.

The days recently are long. The weekends and free time are short. The sleep is even shorter.

But.

August is coming...a mountain top...to breathe...and prepare emotionally, spiritually, and mentally for the next mountain that is to be climbed.

I can't wait until his smile returns. The one Emily remembers...not the stressed, keeping his head above water and trying to survive smile. The real one.

35 days.

Treasures.

I have had the honor and privilege of taking care of 5 little treasures the last couple days. Mine, and my sisters 4.

We have had so much fun!! Popsicles, pool parties, splash pads, pizza, movies, crafts, laughing, baths, yogurtland, play grounds.

What a full couple days I have had with them! Gracie has played hard, and sleeps good!! She LOVES being with her cousins.

I love watching her with Jackson. I think they are going to grow up to be best buddies!

They are all asleep now, and I am still smiling. I love how different all of them are. I love the things they love. I love listening to Emily play with her belts. They come alive in her imagination and I love to listen to her play. Kate makes me laugh! The way she says, "Oh my!" about things and her quick whit make me smile! Kiley is so, so sweet! She is such a good play mate for Gracie! Lauren is amazing. She is going to be an awesome mom because she is an awesome sister and cousin. She is so helpful and so tender.

I love having an older sister who has walked the roads that I am going to eventually walk with Gracie. It is so encouraging to know that if you put the time, attention, love and disciple in your kids, your reward will be great! Sarah is enjoying amazing, well behaved, secure and fun girls because of the years she has put in to them. I can only hope that I am half the mom she is.

Blessed beyond measure to be with these treasures these last couple days!

Letters of Love.

I am a sentimental freak. I admit it. I am. I save everything, and want every occasion big or small, to be big! I am all about traditions and memories, so you can imagine that with a baby, I am in my element! I LOVE it.

But.

I am also controlled by my fears. I am a work in progress. It is a weakness but also in a twisted way, a strength.

I was watching Oprah and saw an episode of the mother who was diagnosed with cancer and recorded more than 200 hours of conversations for her daughter. Walking her through most of her child hood into adult hood because she knew she would not be around to do it physically. I was moved to tears. A lot of tears.

I don't have cancer, nor do I have any illness or health conditions that imply that my days are almost over, but I do know this. Life is but a vapor. A blink. A moment. In just one moment, everything could change. I could be gone.

So I started thinking, what if that was me. What if God called me home tomorrow--Gracie is 14 months old.

Would she remember me? Would she know how absolutely crazy I am about her? Would she sense the Legacy that I so desperately want to leave her?

There was only one way for me to be sure of it. To write her letters for the big things in life that every mom wants to walk a daughter through-- Asking Jesus in her heart, Having a baby, getting married, being engaged, dating, College, Prom, High School, Graduation, Driving, Starting her period, Losing her first tooth, Her first serious injury, etc.

So I started writing. And writing. And writing.

As I sat in front of a blank piece of paper, I thought to myself, "What would I want to read from my mom if she wasn't here when I was... getting married, having a baby, broke my arm, was leaving for college, had a fight with my dad?"

"What do I want Gracie to know more than anything in this whole world"?

The answer? She is the Daughter of the King, She is loved unconditionally, She is special, She is celebrated, She is a treasure, Her emotions are normal, and I am Proud!

This exercise has changed me...I find myself in the midst of frustration, pausing, taking a deep breath and saying (a lot of times out loud) "Don't miss this Lis, tomorrow it could be gone"!

Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren’t commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privilege. Never forget. - Ann Voskamp

If tomorrow, Jesus calls me home, I want my girl to know and be told by everyone around her that her Momma loved her with everything she had, and took her job as her mom very, very serious.

Help me, Jesus, in remembering that I have the privilege of sculpting this little girls soul.

Here are some pictures of her love letters:

15 months

Today, Gracie is 15 months old. Where has the time gone?!
Here is a picture of her favorite things, and a picture of my treasure. She makes me smile!

Here We Go..again

Summer break is over for Tim, and tomorrow starts the Summer semester.

I'd be lying if I told you I was looking forward to it. I was intentional about not thinking about him "going back to school" during the amazing 2 weeks we had at here, in Orlando and then at the beach with Gracie. I needed it. He needed it. She needed it. We needed it.

But here we are. Back in Miami, and the choice is sitting before me. Pity party or Joy? Count my gifts or count what I wish "was"? Which I call tell you is lengthy!

I asked Tim at dinner if he ever felt spiritually "dead". His response was surprising--what did I mean by "dead"? I tried to explain, but couldn't, really. What did I mean? Dry? Lonely? Dead? I still don't know what I meant by that except for it is how I feel since being here. Maybe its because I don't feel like I am being fed the way I was in Orlando. Church, Legacy, friends and family.

I miss my mentoring girls. A lot. My Soul longed for our monthly Thursday night gatherings. Sometimes my soul even feared it. These women were real. No joking around. No faking life. They would ask me questions. Hard questions. Some I didn't even want to answer. But when I left, my soul was ecstatic and exhausted. I miss that. I miss them. All of them. I miss feeling like I have grown. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to know I am making progress. Maybe I am and just don't feel it?

Miami didn't change while we were gone. People are still rude, self centered and dark. You still get honked at ALL the time, and life here is hurried.

I have to smile when I think about God's timing though. Tim was originally supposed to start school tonight, but his class got canceled. Something about teaching Dr's having patients?! =) So he goes back tomorrow morning, all day. BUT God did something sweet for me, my best friend and her family is coming down tomorrow!! I don't know who is more excited, me or Gracie!! Those are the gifts I am counting: canceled classes and Sassy and Bub visits!

I am also counting my gifts like Baby Tylenol. Gracie has been running a fever and just feels crappy. Her fussing and whining is totally out of control because after all, she feels crappy!! Another gift: a baby that wants to "hold you" and be snuggled. All day long. I am beyond blessed to be her mom. Even when she's sick. Hopefully tonight she will rest better. She needs to be ready to play with the girls!

Thank you Lord for the journey you have set before me. I don't always like it, but if it makes me more like you, its worth it. All I know of me, towards all I know of you!

Bondage.

I am reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free, and this was so though provoking.

"Enslaved parents teach their children how to live in bondage even with the best of intentions to do otherwise."

I am becoming more and more aware of the things that I do not want my sweet Gracie girl to deal with.

This was from an excerpt from It's Always Something by the late Gilda Radner.

When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, a mutt, and the dog was pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies will be okay. She will be able to deliver the puppies."
Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."
So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned to walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps and flipping up her back side. She gave birth to 6 puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.

Little eyes are watching. Every. Move. You. Make.

Be intentional!

A Whisper.

I finished reading Bill Hybel's book, The Power of a Whisper.

Last night I was in desperate need of a shout but would have taken a whisper too.

This is what I wrote in my journal at 9:00pm last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because you can handle it, and for what it's worth- I'm mad- I'm over it.

I hate being here! I hate that you brought us here, put us in this desert, and for all practical purposes abandon us.

Where are you??

How am I supposed to do community when there isn't any community in this place?

I'm so over being alone- so over sitting in the same 3 rooms and doing nothing of worth.

I'm so over having no friends while I know that all of my friends and family are sitting at a restaurant laughing and celebrating Nicole's birthday without me.

I'm so over not being miles away from my sister.

I'm so over medical school and it controlling mine and Tim's weekend and seeing him so tired and stressed all the time.

I'm over it! Why are we here? Where are you, Lord?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With that, I sobbed until I couldn't cry anymore. There are very few days like this, but when they come, they come full force. I would have never imagined my Jesus would respond the way he did this morning.

I woke up and was in desperate need of my time with him, so I put Gracie in the stroller, and Chris Tomlin on my phone and ran. I would have cried if I wasn't just trying to survive! It was hot! :)

When we got back, Gracie went down for a nap, and I went to the pool.

I was reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free. Chapter 4 is titled, "To Find Satisfaction in God." In the chapter she talks about how you seek what will meet your need, and later says, "The most obvious symptom of a soul in need of God's satisfaction is a sense of inner emptiness. Just like your stomach growls when you are hungry, your soul growls when it needs to be fed too."

She then asked this question: Does your hungry soul ever manifest physical symptoms such as irritability, selfish ambitions, anger, impure thoughts, envy, resentment, and eruption of lust?

Yes, yes, yes! Less than 24 hours ago my soul was screaming for a whisper- a hunger that needed to fed. To really know if God did have me in His hands.

I finish that chapter right as North Point comes on--Jeff Henderson--Week 4 of Life Apps.

He was talking about Elijah in 1 Kings--and this struck me. In 1 Kings 19:3, Elijah says, "I've had enough"--or in my words, "I'm over this".

Here it was- my whisper. I asked, "where are you" and he said, "right here. I haven't moved. You did."

Jeff ends with talking about the importance of resting, recovering and replenishing so you can be at your best.

"Your life moves to a better place- when you move at a sustainable pace" Jeff Henderson

Here is how the Lord ended his sweet whisper to me--with this song by Bebo Norman. And of course the title is, "In Your Hands."

That was my whisper-and at the end, a big kiss on the forehead from my Heavenly Father. Just to let me know, He is There, and I am in His Hands.


You can listen to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0wnnqeu2IA


Here are the lyrics:
I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands

Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old

Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands

Ruth

Wow.

I was given a study on the Book of Ruth from my cousin, Rebekah, shortly after we moved to Miami. It was written by her friend, Kelly Minter, and it impacted her. She thought I would enjoy it, and boy was she right! Thanks Beks for sending it to me.

It's a 6 week study on Ruth, and it took me much longer to finish, but today I finished. Gracie has been sick- I put her down on my bed for a nap, and cuddled up with her for what I thought was going to be 30 minutes of distraction free time with Jesus. She has been asleep for more than 2.5 hours, so I was able to finish the study today. (Thanks, Gracie girl :)

I have read Ruth countless times and to be honest, was never really impressed with her story. I thought it was kind of boring actually. I much prefer Tamar or Rahab's! Ruth was a good girl who followed her mother in law to a foreign land. Rahab was a prostitute!

What I learned about Ruth in the last few months has changed my thinking. It's changed my view on being found faithful. Obedient.

She was an amazing woman, and I can't wait to sit at her feet in heaven to hear her tell the story as she see's it. What was she experiencing in her heart while she waited to find out if she would be taken by Boaz to be his wife?

What I think I loved most about the story of Ruth is the ending. When it gets to the part where it tells you about the son she and Boaz had together- Obed. Then you read about the genealogy of Obed. He was the father of Jesse, that father of David, David was the father of Solomon, who's mother had been Uriah's wife. You continue on in Matthew 1 to Jacob, the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called The Christ.

Do you see the significance is Ruth's life? Do you see what would have been missed if she did as Naomi had instructed and went back? Ruth's decision could have impacted and changed the genealogy of Jesus.

Are you like me? Do you wonder what is hanging in the balance? Do you wonder what could be and should be, if you are just obedient to walk it out? God has a will for your life, and mine. It's up to us on how quickly we get there, and the journey that we set out on.

Obedience. Trust. Faithfulness. That's all He asks of me. It's all He asks of you too. We see a pin size portion of the big picture.

If God created Ruth for a purpose, He created me for one too. If I am faithful, obediant and trust him, who will be in my geneology a few generations from now? Who will benefit from my obediance?
It's just called a Legacy. You always leave one. Is it one of Trust, Obedience and Faithfulness? What would change in your life now?

Just my thoughts on Ruth.

Race Day

6 DAYS.

6.

Not 6 weeks, 6 DAYS!!!

This is it. This is what Tracey, Christina and I have trained long and hard for. To cross the finish line.

This training has been much more spiritual than I expected it to be. Almost completely, really.

My top strength is Discipline. It defines who I am. And when I say I am going to do something, that strength is what gets me to the end.

When I signed up for this race in August, I knew that there was no turning back. I could see the finish line in the distance. It was the 1 loop around the golf course. I talk to myself all the time, so it wasn't abnormal for me to say things like, "Half, way!", "I CAN do this, "Help me, Lord", "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, he made my legs to do this", "just don't stop, keep running".

That one lap turned into 8- getting longer every Sunday.

On Saturday night before I would go to sleep, I would make up in my mind that I was going to finish, and finish strong. I wasn't going to stop, and I wasn't going to walk. I would slow my pace if I needed to but stopping wasn't an option.

That's where the spiritual part came in. Being in Miami isn't an option. It's a calling. Its exactly where God has put me. Following Christ isn't an option. It's a calling. It's exactly what He wants from me. In fact, it's the reason He created me!

It never surprised me when Chris Tomlin's, "God of the City" would come on my headphone. Every hair on my body would stick straight up, my smile was the size of the moon, and in that very moment, I knew. He was with me. Watching me. Running with me. Delighting in me. And all of heaven was cheering for me.

My pace would get faster as I imagined crossing that finish line with Christina and Tracey. In fact, at the end of all of my long runs, Tim would to the finish line (the balcony) with Gracie because I needed the visual. Not just for race morning. But for every day of life. Heaven in '11. The ultimate finish line. I want to go sprinting, with a smile on my face, and hear from the One that created my legs, "well done".

This training has changed me. I said, "I could never", and He said "you can. I know, I made you".

This is the year of doing hard things, it's been hard, but its been worth it.

Thank you Lord for what you're doing in my heart and soul--I love running with you. I feel ya!

Tim- you are an amazing cheerleader for me. Your heytell messages of "you got this babe!" made me smile when I wanted to cry. Thanks for being at the finish line pumping your fist in the air. Graeser's don't quit.

Tracey and Christina- thanks for being part of this challenge with me. I have LOVED knowing that you are in Orlando working towards the same thing with me.

The rest of my family- thank you for keeping me accountable to finish this thing.

Miss Morris- since talking to you the last couple weeks, I don't take the oxygen that fills my lungs lightly anymore. I pray for you more than you know, and think about you all the time.

Next one, In November!! Who's with me???