If you think about us, will you pray for us? We are swimming in tears that we have never cried before. Uncharted waters.
The announcement was never formal, and now I'm very glad we kept it close. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and yesterday everything changed. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life.
I began cramping and bleeding when I woke up yesterday morning. My first thought when I saw the blood was, "My God is the same God that He was yesterday--before I woke up to this, He was, and is, and will be."
While I began praying silently for this precious child that the Lord was forming inside me, He began to prepare my heart.
The cramps got worse and so did the bleeding. The doctors recommendation was to head to the Emergency room--they needed to see an ultrasound to determine what I already knew: my baby was in the arms of our Savior. I didn't want to go. That would make it final, more real.
"I know the plans I have for you, Lis"
I will rest in that. I am. We are.
When Tim was done with his final exam, he started the drive from Miami, and I started the drive to the same hospital where Gracie was born. I found myself laying on a hospital bed reciting the same verse that I had said over and over again to myself while I was laying in the OR for an Emergency C-section with her almost two years ago.
"For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind"
Cling to that. I am. We are.
Holding Sarah's hand, reciting "In all things give thanks" The ultrasound tech was quiet, didn't turn the screen towards me or offer to hear the heart beat, it was if He whispered,
"Be still, and know that I am God"
I am not, but I know I am!
I saw her finish her paper work and watched her type "0" in the heart beat box.
The tears started then, and haven't really stopped.
The pain is great, but He is greater still.
"So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it. 1 Peter 4:17 MSG
The physical pain is a constant reminder of the things my body is going to endure with no reward on this side of heaven, but oh the day when I cross through those gates and run to hold my child for the first time! Physical pain will dissolve, but the eternal will remain forever.
As I erase the weeks counting up to my due date every Tuesday, it will be a contant reminder to keep counting--keep counting the blessings. The gifts. For there has to be something better than this.
I bought a new book on Tuesday with no idea of what was going to unfold this week- here is what I read this morning.
"What if we knew this interrupted life was less about the problem and more about the process? What if we knew this road block or aggravation hadn't caught God by surprise even if it's come as a shock to us? What If we knew that the direction He was taking us provided opportunities we'd always dreamed about, even if they didn't look exactly the way we thought they would? What if we knew, by not getting what we wanted, God was ultimately giving us something better? I think we can know-and live like we know." -Priscilla Shirer, Life Interrupted.
I don't know anything other than this: God is good, ALL the time, He loves me more than I love the baby He is holding, and His plans for me are good.
Is this day hard? Harder than you know unless you have been through it too.
My hearts desire this year has been "Heaven in '11", and that will not change.
I have an even stronger desire to get to heaven today than ever before. I can't wait! Just a warning: If the rapture happens, and we all go together, you better run faster than these Graeser's because we will knock you down to get there!
Come Get us Lord Jesus!
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I am crying with you. My prayer is that you feel the comfort of His touch, His loving arms around you, and the love from above and they people who love and care about you. I pray you find peace and now you will be so better equipped to minister to others that have felt the same pain. Hold Gracie tight - give her lots and lots of kisses - she is such a blessing. Hugs my friend ~Pamela
ReplyDelete"Heaven in 11"... Heaven just became that much more special... "I will carry you" has just left me in tears... what a beautiful song, Lis!
ReplyDeleteDid you choose these songs prior to today? Just beautiful.. and perfect. I still remember my first miscarriage... ten years ago now, but so clear still. We've had three, so I just might be a force to be reckoned with when storming Heaven on THAT DAY!! I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain, but so thrilled for you that you are experiencing your Savior in a different way than ever before. He is so sweet and He loves us so deeply. Rest in Him. I am praying for you as you heal.
Love and Hugs...
Jody, another Legacy Girl!
Your post is beautiful. Our Lord is good all the time. Your signing made me cry the other night....your Redeemer lives as you well know. So deeply sorry for your loss...it is a hard loss indeed. Recently I heard a precious old song again by Steven Curtis Chapman called "My Redeemer is Faithful and True". If you have it maybe it will minister to your heart during these days. May God continue to keep you in His perfect peace.
ReplyDeletePraying for you this morning, Lis. I admire your strength and your determination to praise God in the midst of your pain. I just want to say though, it's okay to not be strong sometimes. It's okay to cry, to tell God how hard this is, to be confused and angry about it all. God is a wonderfully powerful God, he can take it. I pray that he wraps his arms around you and you feel just how much he loves you right now, and how many people are praying for you at this very moment.
ReplyDeleteYour life is touching so many, Lis. God is using you in a mighty way.
Dear Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteI saw your mom's posting on facebook and had to write you to let you know that I will be lifting you and your family to the Lord in prayer. About 15 years ago I had a similar miscarriage. I already had Justine (now 19) and Lyndsay (now 17) at the time. We were so excited about another baby on the way and the girls were just beginning to understand what it meant for me to be pregnant. I'd had some bloody show over the weekend and just didn't feel quite right. Kind of sick on my stomach. I told my husband David about it, but he thought I was just worrying about nothing. I had an appt. scheduled for that Monday and went in to get my sonogram. It was then that the technician became concerned. I asked her what was happening and could see the small form of my child's body on the screen. We didn't ever name him/her. I don't know what sex our baby was. But I was also 10 weeks pregnant. She told me she could not say and wanted the doctor to let me know. He came in and told me there was no heartbeat. I began to cry. He said he was sorry and because of the age I would need a D & C. He said I could go home and not have the procedure but it was the safer thing to do. I remember getting up from the table and having to go to the restroom. I then began to bleed and cramp alot. I had been fine that morning, or so I thought, and here I was, my whole world changing in an instant! I had wondered if they were right about the heartbeat, and now I knew. All this bleeding was not normal. I was losing my baby!! As I cleaned up and waited for David all alone in a room, I remember it raining outside. It was an incredibly gloomy day... matching the depth of pain and sadness that I felt. I cried out to the Lord as you did, thanking Him from the bottom of my heart. I remember saying, Lord I don't know why this has to be this way, but you have my best in mind and I want to glorify You through this, so I thank you Lord. Thank you for this time. Thank you for drawing me to Yourself. Thank you for whatever the reason, I don't need to know. I just want to be thankful!! I love You Lord and I praise you in the midst of this trial knowing You are ALWAYS WORTHY of my praise!!! I read about you not wanting to go in and finalizing things. I had the same feeling the next morning when I had to wake up at 4:00 am to have the D & C. It felt like I was having an abortion. I cried and cried, both David and I, I questioned whether I was doing the right thing. Was my baby really gone? What if I was making a mistake? It was one of the hardest days of my life! But the Lord whispered to me too. It's alright! I am with you. I had felt all alone. Even though my husband was with me, my family too. It's as though because I was carrying the baby it was something only I could walk through. But the Lord reminded me, He's with me, I have nothing to fear! No matter the pain; the pin from Focus on the Family that I would come across in the next week of the 10 week hands; still needing to wear maternity clothing and having to pack up all the clothes that I had just unboxed, crying all the way through it; seeing my swollen tummy and knowing my baby was no longer there; answering my little girls' questions as to why we wouldn't be having a baby sister or brother; through every moment and every tear, My Lord never left me... He was always there, and He still is!!! May you be comforted by the Holy Spirit and may you never doubt His unfailing love for you, as I can see you already know!!! And I pray this encourages you on your journey, that there are those of us who have also walked your path and are interceding for you... in many ways you are not alone!! Saw this post yesterday... Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain. Sounds like you're doing that!!! God bless you Elizabeth.