If you think about us, will you pray for us? We are swimming in tears that we have never cried before. Uncharted waters.
The announcement was never formal, and now I'm very glad we kept it close. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and yesterday everything changed. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life.
I began cramping and bleeding when I woke up yesterday morning. My first thought when I saw the blood was, "My God is the same God that He was yesterday--before I woke up to this, He was, and is, and will be."
While I began praying silently for this precious child that the Lord was forming inside me, He began to prepare my heart.
The cramps got worse and so did the bleeding. The doctors recommendation was to head to the Emergency room--they needed to see an ultrasound to determine what I already knew: my baby was in the arms of our Savior. I didn't want to go. That would make it final, more real.
"I know the plans I have for you, Lis"
I will rest in that. I am. We are.
When Tim was done with his final exam, he started the drive from Miami, and I started the drive to the same hospital where Gracie was born. I found myself laying on a hospital bed reciting the same verse that I had said over and over again to myself while I was laying in the OR for an Emergency C-section with her almost two years ago.
"For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind"
Cling to that. I am. We are.
Holding Sarah's hand, reciting "In all things give thanks" The ultrasound tech was quiet, didn't turn the screen towards me or offer to hear the heart beat, it was if He whispered,
"Be still, and know that I am God"
I am not, but I know I am!
I saw her finish her paper work and watched her type "0" in the heart beat box.
The tears started then, and haven't really stopped.
The pain is great, but He is greater still.
"So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it. 1 Peter 4:17 MSG
The physical pain is a constant reminder of the things my body is going to endure with no reward on this side of heaven, but oh the day when I cross through those gates and run to hold my child for the first time! Physical pain will dissolve, but the eternal will remain forever.
As I erase the weeks counting up to my due date every Tuesday, it will be a contant reminder to keep counting--keep counting the blessings. The gifts. For there has to be something better than this.
I bought a new book on Tuesday with no idea of what was going to unfold this week- here is what I read this morning.
"What if we knew this interrupted life was less about the problem and more about the process? What if we knew this road block or aggravation hadn't caught God by surprise even if it's come as a shock to us? What If we knew that the direction He was taking us provided opportunities we'd always dreamed about, even if they didn't look exactly the way we thought they would? What if we knew, by not getting what we wanted, God was ultimately giving us something better? I think we can know-and live like we know." -Priscilla Shirer, Life Interrupted.
I don't know anything other than this: God is good, ALL the time, He loves me more than I love the baby He is holding, and His plans for me are good.
Is this day hard? Harder than you know unless you have been through it too.
My hearts desire this year has been "Heaven in '11", and that will not change.
I have an even stronger desire to get to heaven today than ever before. I can't wait! Just a warning: If the rapture happens, and we all go together, you better run faster than these Graeser's because we will knock you down to get there!
Come Get us Lord Jesus!
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