One girl's journey to seek the God she loves: 2013

2012 is over, and now so is January 2013. At times, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around how fast time goes by - and then there are times that I feel like it just drags on. Am I the only one?

It’s no secret that 2012 started extremely sad and heavy hearted for us. “Happy New Year” turned into a pre-op appointment with a D&C scheduled for the next morning.

Those were not resolutions that I had penned in December. But ultimately, my Creator did, and I am thankful He knows what is best. Even on the most painful of days.

The last three years have been nothing but full on growth for my heart and my trust in the Lord. Moving from my comfort zone to Miami with a 5 month in tow was not something I wanted to do. I was convinced it was going to ruin my life, my marriage, and my heart. Boy, how wrong I was.

Moving has since proven to be the best thing for our marriage, my heart, and our life. I fully know and understand what scripture talks about when it says, you should leave your father and mother and be one with your spouse. In many ways I had. But, in ways I didn’t realize were even possible, we have grown together in our move to Miami. It was me, Tim, and Gracie. Because she was only 5 months old, all she provided was sleepless nights, a momma's heart bursting with love, and the cutest chubbies to pinch.

I am confident that this is why I didn’t have any close friends here for the first year. God wanted Tim and I to rely only on each other and stick like glue. Now, looking back, I am glad that the stickiness was His plan. I can’t imagine where we could be with the stresses that have happened since that first year here. And I thought that was hard, HA!

We were pleasantly surprised to find ourselves pregnant in October with a baby due the day Tim took his first set of Boards. Then the excitement turned to pure nightmare. I started erasing the weeks leading up to my due date from the calendar and, well... just throw the whole calendar out because it was written in pen, “DUE DATE!”

In the days following the news that we would not hold that little girl this side of heaven, I was convinced that this right here was going to destroy my heart. How could good come from such pain? How could something really hurt this bad?

Let me just also say, I am absolutely convinced that if you have not walked this road, you can. not. know. the. pain. I won’t pretend I know the pain of a mother burying her new born, or 5 year old from cancer - but it is a taste, a taste I never desire to experience again.

But!

God, in His amazing love, faithfulness, and grace, showed up in those darkest of days and carried me. Met me at my worst... in my tears and angry fits of rage. With tears in His eyes, He simply whispered, trust me. I know... But trust me.

Some days I did that a lot better than others. And other days, well, I just told Him I couldn’t. And yet, He still met me. Never left and just kept whispering, trust me, Lis. This will be good.

To think about my miscarriage and a blessing is something I still can’t utter... but on the other side, the growth that came from it has been good. So good. Such a blessing. I am convinced that suffering takes you to a place where nothing else can. And, if you let it, fertile ground is laid for the Lord to sew seeds that can turn into beautiful, strong Redwoods.

I shouldn’t be surprised that I didn’t realize the growth until December 16, 2012. Two days after the year anniversary of that day. I was looking at a pregnancy test turn from one pink line to two. And while I tried to catch my breath, a million thoughts ran wild in my head. Oh God, thank you. Thank you for this. Thank you that for this split second, you and I are the only ones that know. Thank you, thank you.

And then a strange thought that I was not expecting...And Lord, if it brings you glory, you can have this one too.

Those thoughts came and went as I turned to go find Tim. I am pretty sure I walked around in shock for a few hours. No, I know I did.

It began a constant and daily practice to not let Satan steal my joy, cause I tend to be fearful and anxious about EVERYTHING. A lot of days, I cry all the time. (holy pregnancy hormones that I forgot about!) Other days I throw up all the time. And still others I find myself saying, Thank you God. But do what brings you glory. Even if that means... well, you know.

THAT is how I know there has been growth. The very thing that has caused my heart the GREATEST pain to date, has brought the Father glory and brought me to a place of total surrender of my wants and desires. These children are His, and I am just a vessel to get them here, raise them to be warriors, and teach them how to be sold out for Him.

Today, we are thrilled to report that I am 12 weeks! We have had a sonogram where my sweet sisters that went with me to the hospital to see no heart beat, were able to come and see a very strong heart beat. It was so healing to my heart to replace that old memory with a new one. Today, I had my first pre natal appointment and was able to hear the heart beat through the doppler. Oh what a glorious sound!

We would love and appreciate your prayers as we walk out the next several months. A lot of big changes are coming for Team Graeser in 2013, including a move, a Doctor on externships all over the country, and a baby joining our tribe in August (While Dr. daddy is scheduled to be in Texas!)

God is good, and we are so thankful for how He already knows all the details that make me want to have an anxiety attack. Even in all the changes, I can still sense His calm whisper... It will be good, Lis. Trust me.

This is the video of telling our family and friends through a power point...Tim was explaining his externships and where he would be each month...and then he got to August! :)