Getting good at not understanding.

Patti Shaffer is a hero of mine in more ways than one. I want to be like her, but never wanted to be part of some of the clubs she is in. The "Losing a parent to Alzheimer's", "Surviving a Miscarriage, Cancer, Husband Almost Dying in Motorcycle Accident, and Getting Good at Not Understanding Why" Clubs. I really didn't want an invitation to ANY of those.

Well.

I now find myself an unwilling member of two: "Miscarriage" and "Getting Good at Not Understanding Why".

There are some things that I won't understand on this side of Heaven. Miscarriage is one.

She texted me this a couple of days ago

"When we walk across heavens threshold, the first thought will be, 'of course'. For one day, it will all make sense." - C.S. Lewis

To be quite honest, I want this to be behind us. I want it to be something that happened and not something that is currently happening. The anticipation of what comes next is so hard for me.

My body, like my heart, is still holding on. Its been 2 weeks since we've learned what had happened, and around 4 since our Maker decided Hope Caroline was better off in Heaven.

My desire since day one has been for my body to take care of itself naturally and to not have to take labor inducing medicine or have surgery, but my heart has changed. There is something morbidly wrong, for this Momma, to "pass" the tissue of a baby into the toilet and flush it. Unless that happens over the next couple days, I can't do that on purpose. I am visual and ultra sensitive, and I think that would break my heart even more.

We've contacted our loved OB and midwife in Orlando and will be scheduling surgery next week, Lord willing. Tim starts school on Tuesday, and we have an amazing support in Orlando to help with Gracie while I recover.

I have many friends who have traveled this road before me and have given me their insight and what they did, and I am so thankful. Sad that they went through it too, but thankful for what they have shared. There isn't one way to cope or handle this situation, and will not pretend that the road we are taking is the only right one. My friend Emily told she thinks everyone that goes through this has to figure out what is best for them. I couldn't agree more.

Yes, we understand the risks associated with surgery.
Yes, we have prayed about this.
Yes, we are sure.

While we know everyone is well intentioned, please save your D&C horror stories for someone else. We are trusting the Lord in this too.

We are looking forward to getting back to a "new normal".

My poor husband has been running 100 mph since August and the first thing he hears when he walks out of his last final exam is, "I am bleeding and on my way to the hospital". This break has not been relaxing at all. He hasn't stopped to breathe and in a week has to start his busiest semester yet. On top of it all Gracie is teething and might have an ear infection. He is a superstar and I CANNOT imagine going through this without him.

For now, I just keep reminding myself that one day I will be able to say "of course".

We would covet your prayers as we seek to walk out the next couple of days and weeks.