The Aftermath

After any hardship, there is an aftermath--that is what we are dealing with now. The little waves of emotion that hit, out of the blue, for no reason, or because I heard a newborn cry while I was in the recovery room. (Can I just say that there should be a seperate wing for people who have lost babies--while it was torture, I found myself saying on behalf of that mother, "Thank you Lord for that babies heartbeat."

How does a God who is sovereign and good allow this to happen? Because He is sovereign and good. Because He does have a plan. Because He is still on the throne. My little mind just doesn't understand it, yet. Maybe never will, but its not for me too.

Surgery is over. It was on Tuesday.

God carried me through the day. Everyone was so kind. The anesthesiologist made me laugh and got my mind off of why I was there. For about 30 seconds.

Physically, I feel great. Little pain and little reminders of what my body has endured.

My heart just needs to catch up. There are times when I feel like I have turned the corner on the grief, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again.

"It will get better, but you have to give it time" my sister reminds me.

I know healing won't happen over night. In fact, it didn't really start until Tuesday. Now that it is behind us, I know there are a lot of emotions I have yet to walk through. I have to be patient with the process. I may walk through the very same ones I have already found myself in. Maybe for a month, a year, or the rest of my life. I don't know.

Healing is happening, and I am thankful. It is getting easier. Easier for me to think about Tuesdays, easier for me to smile when I see anything with the word 'Hope' instead of break down and cry, easier to think about the summer, easier for me to express what I am really feeling.

Forgive me if I have "avoided" your phone calls. Talking about it is still too hard. Yes, I want to talk to you--but in talking to you, it involves talking about the last 4 weeks--and to be honest, I just don't want too. I don't want to answer the question, "how are you?" because if you REALLY want to know, I am very, very sad.

Please don't get your feelings hurt or read into any of the distance that I have put between myself and you. Yes, it is intentional, but it is not personal. I want to make sure I take the time to do what I need to do with the Lord- I have a history of stuffing emotions, and to do that in this senario, could be very toxic. Thank you for understanding.

I am not avoiding the subject. Trust me. It is talked about continually. Right now its just talked about with my Jesus, my husband, and my family.

We appreciate your prayers, support and encouragement.

He is worthy to be praised. He is good all the time, and all the time, He is good.