Expectations

I have high expectations. Of a lot of things, but as I am learning recently, mostly about myself.

In my mind, everyday starts at a zero, and if I complete all of my tasks and to do list, then I end at 10. If I don't, I end in negative numbers.

Recently, a lot of my days have been ending in negative numbers, which to me, is extremely frustrating and even a little depressing. I feel like there is not enough time in a day to do all that my "wish list" holds. Get up early enough to have my quiet time with the Lord, exercise and shower all before Gracie wakes up, morning chores, run errands, make lunch, get Gracie down for a nap, CCS work, swim lessons, make dinner, clean up house before Tim gets home, eat dinner, clean up again for the 100th time, bath time, play time with daddy, clean up again and then bed time.

Gracie hasn't been sleeping well. Read that as, won't sleep unless she is in my bed. Go ahead and pass your "I would never let my kid sleep in my bed" judgements. It's ok. I didn't think I would either...until, she was waking up 4-5 times from night terrors, petrified and begging to be held. After the 3rd time, it's a lot easier to put her in my bed and go back to sleep.

So, after nights like that, the first thing to go is waking up before the sun to achieve the first 3 things on my to do list. Before my eyes even open, I am at a negative. How am I going to accomplish those things with her awake?

I once heard a quote that said, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."

It is so true! When I feel exhausted and discouraged, those resentments creep in. "If I didn't have to...if she would...if he wouldn't...and on and on.

My top strengths are discipline and achiever...to operate outside of those are unfamiliar to me...to not be achieving them, goes against my very nature.

So I am seeking to explore the ways in which the Lord would have me let go of expectations of myself. I want to be able to do it all, but at this rate, I am going to kill myself trying.

Here is the truth I will continue to put in front of myself:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

Abba, please help me embrace the precious season you have placed me in. Be my hands and feet. Be the center. Be glorified in my feeble attempts to be more like you. Amen