Light 'em up!

Let me tell you about Courtney.   She is awesome.  She is my moms neighbor and I have to fight being envious every time I think that she is mom's neighbor and not MINE!  I've prayed for a neighbor like her...in Miami...but alas, the Lord answered it in Orlando!  GO FIGURE!  =)

She and her family moved to Orlando from Atlanta and I have LOVED getting to know her, laughing with her, and running with her when I am at moms.  She has an amazing business and blog.

She is insanely creative and a brillant writer.  She's honest and transparent, and hello, I love that.  Her kids disobey, make a mess and laugh their butts off.  She's a Proverbs 31 mom and wife.

When we first met, I devoured her blog..reading all that she had written--the girl is hilarious!

This blog post I loved!! Going out of your way for strangers, teachers, friends or someone who needs a little "happy" around the holidays.

Of course I didn't know her at Christmas.  DERN!  But have thought about this idea ever since.

How can we make people smile in July?

July is the beginning of Christmas music, shopping, and merriness in MY house so this was the month to start for me!  But where?  How?

Then it happened...God spoke...and I kind of froze.  I had been asking Him to show me ways I could love on people...and there He was, telling me how, and I just stood there pretending He was talking to Gracie.  Gracie, obey your mother!   Ok, that wasn't what I heard.  At all.

Now Lord?  Right here?  On THIS guy?! 

Yes, Lis.  Yes. YES!  RIGHT NOW!

OK! Ok!

I am in line at Publix getting a few groceries.  Gracie is in the 'car cart' and asking for a red balloon.  The red balloon that was over his head by only an inch or so.  He is a tall, slender man.  If you go to the Baldwin Park Publix, I am sure you know who I am talking about.  He is a sweet and precious guy who has worked there for years.  When I lived here, I would look for him to go to his line.  I would try to start up conversations.  He is either very introverted, or just doesn't like people.  I'm going with the introvert.

There was no bagger in his lane, so after he scanned the groceries, he bagged them himself.  It took a little while longer because of him doing a two person job, but he didn't seem to mind.  He probably preferred it.  Since I'm not an introvert I don't get it, but those introverts tell me they'd rather be alone!  =)  Isn't that the weirdest thing you have ever heard?!  Who wants to be alone????

"$35.16," he says.

I freeze. The Lord chimes in.  No, thats not the right one, Lis.  Ask him.

I get brave.  Pointing to the candy section behind me, I make eye contact, "I was wondering which of these treats are your favorite?"

He looks at me puzzled.

I continue.  "I appreciate the work you have done for me, and since Publix has a no tipping policy, I would like to buy you a little treat."

He looks shocked.  "Really?"

Yes!

He stumbles, I smile.  Now at least he knows how I FEEL!

"I love Reeces, they are my favorites."

"Great!  I love those too!"  I hand them to him to ring up.

$36.18 the cash register now reads.  Now can I swipe my card, Lord?

Yes, now.

A smile.  "Thank you so much...that was so"....he pauses... because he can't find the words..."kind."  He becomes chatty and finally hears Gracie say, "May I have a RED balloon, please".  He never seemed so excited to give a balloon away.

Gracie waves as we start to drive that car cart away..."goodbye!! See you next time!"

I smiled the whole way home.  I found my way to light 'em up.  No matter the time of year!

I dare you to try it!  I kind of can't wait to go back to Publix!

Thanks Court!

Life Partner

Do you have a life partner?  Someone besides your spouse?

A sister? Friend? Mentor?

The older I get the more I am convinced that the greatest thing the Lord has given us on this side of heaven besides our salvation and the word of God is people.  Relationships.  It is the only thing that will remain beyond this life.

I don't want to sound like a hallmark card, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

In the middle of the night, when this treasure was born, she was there.  In the OR I knew she was on the other sides of the door waiting to snuggle Gracie and praying.  She is an amazing prayer warrior. 

She is the worlds greatest mom.   Never a time goes by that I am not with her that I learn something, or want to be more like her.  I love that when she goes out of town, and she gives me the honor of watching her girls, they often say, "you do things just like my mom does, you must be sisters."  I love that her girls let me love them, and feel safe with me.   I love that when the girls are with me, and a stranger refers to me as their mom, or them as my kids, her kids just smile...then we get in the car and they say, "they thought you were our MOM!"

I love raising babies with her.  I love that she loves Gracie like her very own.  Gracie is crazy about her Sassy.  I am pretty sure Gracie thinks that Sassy's one and only role in this life was to give her cousins that she refers to as, "my girls."

There was a time in my life when she wanted to kill me, smack me, shake me, thought I was annoying, obnoxious, and immature.  Ha! She may still think that BUT she didn't give up on me.  She believed God had bigger and better things.  Of course she was right.  Aren't older sisters always right?

She gives me perspective.  Isn't afraid to tell me when my thinking is off, lets me vent, lets me cry and even on the hardest of days says, "even on the hardest of days, WE choose JOY!"  

She is selfless, funny and extremely generous.   

There was this lie I believed when I moved...it really was my biggest fear of moving away from Orlando...that I would be forgotten by her or replaced.  She has made it a point to be my biggest support, cheerleader and the person I do life with.  We are closer than we have ever been or I ever thought possible. 

We share some very good secrets, inside jokes, and stories.  But I am pretty sure we share a part of our brain and heart.  

That's the joy of having a sister.

I understand the rare and God given relationship we share- and I don't take it for granted. 

Sassy Joy, you are exactly that! Sassy and full of Joy!  I love your love for life, your family, friends, orphans and your selfless quest to do all that you can to make this world more like Jesus.   You are an inspiration to me and many others that call you a friend.  Sucks for them they can't call you a sister!  Thank you for loving me, crying with me, dreaming with me, and making me laugh until my face hurts!   I love doing life with you but even more than that, love that our mansions are going to be right next to each other on those golden streets.  Can't wait to see you tomorrow!

Happy D Day, dear Baby Hope!

If you prayed for me today, thank you.  I felt them.  My sister and her girls were here all day and we really had a great day.  I only cried for a few minutes, a few times!  Your prayers worked...carried me, and I am so thankful.

Tim had a big exam today, and then we went to cheesecake factory.

Then it was back home to decorate and write notes to Hope to send to Heaven.

We got Gracie's off---well, kind of.  We went to the roof (7th floor)--mistake number one.  Trying to launch them with some wind.  Mistake number two.  Tim dropping if off the 7th floor and it falling to the ground---mistake number 3!  BUT thank the Lord, it then took off.. the bad part, we missed half of it as we were running for cover afraid we were going to set the whole building on fire.

We have concluded that our other launchings will happen on family vacation at the beach in a couple weeks---we will all be together and over WATER which sounds very safe!

Here are some of the pictures I did get before running for cover.  

It was a precious day--and as Lauren said when she was leaving tonight, "just imagine, Nana and Hope smiling in Heaven."  That makes me smile, and cry happy tears! 

Today ends one chapter, tomorrow starts a new one.  I am thankful we get to play with Sarah and the girls tomorrow too!

Thank you for all your prayers.  They mean more than you know!

T minus 4 days

What if plans are better as prayers and what if everything is supposed to happen this way because His Sovereign Hand can make any happening into good?


I read this on Ann Voskamp's blog yesterday, and I have pondered it off and on ever since. 

Yeah, Ann, What if?

What if He is going to make anything that breaks my heart into something that brings my heart deep joy?

What if, this journey I am on, is a lot less about a baby named Hope, and a lot more about learning to still hope?  Dream.  Trust.  

What if I really believed that nothing about my dream or life changed?  Losing Hope wasn't the death of a dream, it was the birth of an even bigger dream. 

What if this season of life I am in is preparing me for things I can't even dream of?  What if, He is going to bring me a house full of running feet, happy hearts and giggles that didn't come from my womb?  What if He is going to create life in my womb and is going to give me twins, or triplets?  (ah, Lord, if that is in the cards, please move me to Orlando next to my sisters!!)  

I tend to play the what if game frequently.  And by frequently I mean only the days that I breathe.  

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who was telling me that after seeing so many negative pregnancy tests, it is going to be hard to finally see a positive one.  At least with a negative one, you've walked that road before.  But the newness of a positive test after a loss can be debilitating.  Scary.  

I couldn't agree more.  I find myself asking God for that and in the very same breath FEAR that word.  

Why is that? 

What if there was no fear in seeing the positive word and only celebration?  Only tears of joy.  Jumping up and down like a crazy woman?! 

The only answer that I can come up with is Satan.  He wants us to be overcome by our fears.  He wants us to worry ourselves sick.  He wants us to do anything in his power to prevent us from worshipping the Giver of Life.

I have asked myself...(yes, I do talk to myself. A lot. A lot more than is probably healthy.)

What if I finally get pregnant and miscarry again.  Then what? 

Then the answer has to be that God in His sovereign plan has something else in mind. 

Don't misunderstand me.  This road wouldn't have been in my plan for me.  Or for anyone else for that matter.

But I also understand that suffering has the ability to bring growth and new life like nothing else does.  

My emotions have been all over the place this week.  Choosing Joy and practicing the 4:8 principle has been my number one goal.  But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't just weep.  

I did.  More than once.  But one of those times was when I heard that the same God who hasn't answered my prayer, answered a friends. 

Wednesday is fast approaching.   The tears fall more frequently, and I am letting them.   

Some plans don't change.  Like if I was getting ready to have a baby, my sister would be here.  Well, she is coming.  And we're going to celebrate.  Not sure how yet, but I am sure it will involve balloons.   I know it will involve tears.  And I can imagine it involves my Nana holding Hope and sitting at the feet of Jesus.  

I wouldn't want to come to my celebration if I was Hope either.  Not when she is at THE celebration.

Thanks for your prayers and support friends.  It really does mean more than you know!

Plan B...or is it Plan A?

I'm a planner.  Most everyone knows that.

I sent my sister an email telling her to "save the date" for Tim's graduation.  The email I got back said, "I am not putting a date in my calendar that is 2 years away! You are crazy, remind me next year!"  All of you laugh but this is coming from the woman who when I told her a year before about Tim's White Coat ceremony, she said, "Oh, we are already planning to be in Ohio!"

I like plans, I like 'save the dates', I like knowing what is going on and then putting my to-do list to work.

I don't like anything but plan A-my plan.  Insert eye roll because you now realize I am a bit obsessive.

Plan A became my plan B - but never was God's plan B.  Indeed, it was always His plan A.

My plan had me at 39 weeks pregnant, with an almost 2.5 year old, and a husband who was getting ready to take part one of his National Board Exam for medical school.   It makes me smile to think of the ways He loves me even in the things that hurt my heart.

I am a planner.

Can you imagine how I would be if I WAS on my plan A?!  I am sure I wouldn't be much fun to be around.

On His plan A...
I can lay on my belly with my girl and color.
I can run and sweat like a man at bootcamp. (and beat the guy who always beats me.  Insert eye roll because you now realize how competitive I am.)
I can help Tim by being completely tuned into his stress levels and what he needs as he runs the last two weeks of this part of his race.
I get more uninterrupted time with Gracie.   She is so much fun and I am LOVING making these memories of just the three of us.
We can play tennis on the roof on the condo and get completely soaked when a monsoon decided to dump on us!

All of these things I would have missed if my plan A was unfolding before me.

I'd be lying if I told you trying to figure out all the pieces of God's plan A for my life has been...fun...easy...enjoyable...predictable.  I don't know what it all looks like.

Obedience hasn't always been fun, easy or necessarily enjoyable.  If you don't believe me on that one, watch a two year old that is learning to obey.

On my journey to teaching Gracie to obey, it has been a constant reminder that obedience is required of me too.  She kicks, screams and asks if I give up yet.  I don't.  Because I know that obeying when she is 2 is the same as obeying when she is 22.   I can't help but wonder if He smiles when I kick, scream and ask if He gives up yet.  He doesn't.  Refining is all part of the Potter's plan.

I am training her to obey me- the same way she will obey her Heavenly Father.  To pay attention to the whispers.  The prompting. His will.  His play A.


There is no way for me to know where God is leading, and how His plan is going to turn out.  If the whisper I heard is right, I know which way we are heading, and its terrifying.  I've never done it before.  I don't know what that looks like.  It takes me out of my comfort zone.

I should get used to this pattern.

I get comfortable.  I plan.

He plans, I get uncomfortable.

Phil 1:21, For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. 

Here is to my plan A dying, and really living His plan A.

Meet Jen and Gavin

This is my BFF, Jenny.  We met in Highschool and were pretty much instant friends.  She was quiet, reserved and kind.  I was loud, obnoxious and, well, I hope kind.  Ha!

Jen and I have always joked that we do things so close to each other that it is hilarious.

We went to the same school after high school, we worked at the same spa for a while, we got married a week a part,  Gracie and Aiden are 3 months a part, and I wasn't the least bit surprised when I found out I was pregnant in October that our babies would be 5 weeks a part!  We like to keep things predictable, I guess!

She was one of the very few people I texted that December day when I knew something was terribly wrong.  She wept with me.  I wanted to be very cautious to not cause too much stress on her because of the sweet baby that was forming in her belly.  Two days after learning that my Hope had gone to be with her Creator, Jenny found out that Gavin Tyler was growing happily in her belly.

That whole morning, I just prayed a simple, constant prayer.  While her desire was to find out if she was having a girl or boy, my prayer was, "oh, please Lord, just let her see his/her heart beating".   My heart couldn't handle two loses so close together, and because our history is to do the SAME thing, I was terrified.

The Lord answered mine and so many other prayers when this guy joined his family almost two weeks ago!

There have been some things since being on this journey that I knew would be hard.  Hearing other people share their exciting news, and holding Gavin were two that I knew I would have to be prayed up for.

If I had my way, I would be waddleing around Winnie Palmer at 35 weeks pregnant waiting to go up and see Jen and Gavin.  Then resting him on my big ole belly like a built in Boppy!

I got a text from Jen early Tuesday morning telling me she was on her way to the hospital.  Of course, I called her instantly, because texting just isn't sufficient.  :)

Because we were in Miami, I paced around my house like a mad woman, just wanting to be at the hospital...looking for flights that didn't cost $350.00, texting her mom and sister demanding updates. (yes, I am still obnoxious.  Some things don't change!)

I stopped dead in my tracks when I knew she was pushing and smiled.

 I didn't know how I was going to react to all this.  I didn't know if I would melt to a puddle of tears and weep because my heart was hurting, or if I would be truly able to celebrate.  Here I was, celebrating, full force.  I couldn't get to Orlando fast enough.  I NEEDED to hold that baby!  Another thing I didn't know if  I would be able to do!

3 days later, I was able to hold that baby and soak him in.  I love Jen's oldest, Aiden, but I think there is something special between me and Gavin.

What Gavin doesn't know is he helped my heart heal.

Again.

I felt a little piece of my "Hope hole" close.  Gavin represents life, joy and God's amazing hand.  It was tangible for me that day.

A whisper from my Creator, that created Gavin and Hope.  Trust me, Lis.  Believe that I am not holding out on you, but preparing you for the best.  

Continue to choose to trust.  
Continue to choose to celebrate.  
Continue to choose heal.

And while you are holding Gavin, I am holding Hope.  


Gavin Tyler, you are a special, precious, wonderful treasure.  I love you and will pray for you like I did while you were in Mommy's belly.  You are going to help change hearts and the world, because on that Friday, you helped change mine.  I love you, buddy!

Meet Jenny and Gavin Tyler!

Grace M. Werner
October 17, 1915- May 9, 2012

I am named after my precious grandmother, Grace Werner. I love her. We have many amazing memories. I had the privilege of living and taking care of her for more than a year before I got married and LOVED it.

 Here are some of my memories that flood my mind when I think about this petite little woman we all called, Nana.

 Her house was ALWAYS spotless. It wasn't until I lived with her that I knew why. She dusted and cleaned EVERYDAY. I would have a whole basket of clothes in my room and I would come home from work to her saying, "well I had to do my laundry, and just needed a few more pieces". She would never admit that she did 4 loads!

 Whenever we would go to visit, there was a 75% chance that she would be outside sweeping her drive way in her "outdoor" white keds. She HATED those berries that would drop from the tree and stain her driveway! She swept everyday.

 She was the master Orange juice squeezer! She had multiple trees in her front yard and when they were ready for juicing, she would get everything set up and we would make a day of it. She had a way to get every OUNCE of juice out of those darn peels. She never threw anything away, and heaven forbid food. She would make sure she wasn't wasting anything!

 One of the first things I would do when we went to visit her was head to the guest bathroom, open up the cabinet and look for the body powder. She had a "puff" as big as my head, I would slip my tiny hand in that puff, lift my shirt up, and put a big ole helping of that body powder on...just like she showed me. =)

 She ALWAYS had Weathers Originals or tic tacs in her house. Always.

 When she would make lemonade in her pitcher with the pink tulip on it, she would put a paper towel on the top of it when she put it in the fridge. I didn't ever understand why, but have done the same thing.

 She was busy on Thursdays at 3:45. She would have her hair washed and set.

 Her cup was yellow and Papa's was green. They always sat next to the sink. Sometimes I don't think she ever washed them, but I know she did, because she was a neat freak.

 When I was living with her, and my best friend came to spend the night, a mouse got into the house. She was beside herself upset. We locked her in her room until we could find it. She came peaking out the door saying, "Elisabeth! I need my bible!"

 She made the best Bay's English Muffins, and put the most butter on them I have ever seen. She said its what made it good. She was right. It is her fault I love that "yellow stuff".

 When she moved to the assisted living, I would take her on her errands and dr appointments periodically. One day, she said she wanted to get in the wheel chair because we could be done faster. I didn't even think about it and walked to the electric wheelchairs, she looked at me like I had 4 heads and said, "I have never driven a car a day in my life, and you are going to try to put me in THAT?" We laughed until we cried.

 She had a little wooden 'thing', that we would pretend that it made coffee. It sits in my dad's house now, and my Gracie makes coffee just like I did.

 She had some 'dolls' that sat in a glass cabinet. I never understood why I couldn't play with them. She called them a funny name; hummels. She said they were expensive, and now I believe her.

 I would tease her all the time about if she found a boyfriend yet. She would laugh at first and then get very serious and say, "no, I am not interested in that. I had the perfect one, and He is in heaven waiting for me." I love her dedication and commitment to Papa even in his death.

 When I would ask her what she thought Papa was doing in heaven she said, "probably waiting at the gates for me! But Jesus needs to tell him it may be a while and to go do something else!"

 Nana, no more waiting. You are with Papa forever. You can run those golden roads and have Papa give you the tour of all of heaven. I am so thankful you are not in pain any longer. I love you and am so blessed and honored to be your granddaughter. I love being Elisabeth Grace, and I love having Grace Lee!

Gracie gets Kisses From Nana

Love this sweet picture!  

One of my last visits with Nana in March. 

Aunt Carol, Nana and Dad

Lauren and Nana 

Nana Sings, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus"

I love her.  I wonder what she is doing this VERY minute.  Smiling, I am sure!