T minus 4 days

What if plans are better as prayers and what if everything is supposed to happen this way because His Sovereign Hand can make any happening into good?


I read this on Ann Voskamp's blog yesterday, and I have pondered it off and on ever since. 

Yeah, Ann, What if?

What if He is going to make anything that breaks my heart into something that brings my heart deep joy?

What if, this journey I am on, is a lot less about a baby named Hope, and a lot more about learning to still hope?  Dream.  Trust.  

What if I really believed that nothing about my dream or life changed?  Losing Hope wasn't the death of a dream, it was the birth of an even bigger dream. 

What if this season of life I am in is preparing me for things I can't even dream of?  What if, He is going to bring me a house full of running feet, happy hearts and giggles that didn't come from my womb?  What if He is going to create life in my womb and is going to give me twins, or triplets?  (ah, Lord, if that is in the cards, please move me to Orlando next to my sisters!!)  

I tend to play the what if game frequently.  And by frequently I mean only the days that I breathe.  

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who was telling me that after seeing so many negative pregnancy tests, it is going to be hard to finally see a positive one.  At least with a negative one, you've walked that road before.  But the newness of a positive test after a loss can be debilitating.  Scary.  

I couldn't agree more.  I find myself asking God for that and in the very same breath FEAR that word.  

Why is that? 

What if there was no fear in seeing the positive word and only celebration?  Only tears of joy.  Jumping up and down like a crazy woman?! 

The only answer that I can come up with is Satan.  He wants us to be overcome by our fears.  He wants us to worry ourselves sick.  He wants us to do anything in his power to prevent us from worshipping the Giver of Life.

I have asked myself...(yes, I do talk to myself. A lot. A lot more than is probably healthy.)

What if I finally get pregnant and miscarry again.  Then what? 

Then the answer has to be that God in His sovereign plan has something else in mind. 

Don't misunderstand me.  This road wouldn't have been in my plan for me.  Or for anyone else for that matter.

But I also understand that suffering has the ability to bring growth and new life like nothing else does.  

My emotions have been all over the place this week.  Choosing Joy and practicing the 4:8 principle has been my number one goal.  But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't just weep.  

I did.  More than once.  But one of those times was when I heard that the same God who hasn't answered my prayer, answered a friends. 

Wednesday is fast approaching.   The tears fall more frequently, and I am letting them.   

Some plans don't change.  Like if I was getting ready to have a baby, my sister would be here.  Well, she is coming.  And we're going to celebrate.  Not sure how yet, but I am sure it will involve balloons.   I know it will involve tears.  And I can imagine it involves my Nana holding Hope and sitting at the feet of Jesus.  

I wouldn't want to come to my celebration if I was Hope either.  Not when she is at THE celebration.

Thanks for your prayers and support friends.  It really does mean more than you know!