Lets go there, shall we?

I should have known.  All the signs were there.  A terrible headache.  Not sleeping great.  No real desire to do much of anything except eat Oreos and donuts.

A couple weeks ago, I went and sat with Jim Keller.  He is an amazing man, counselor and my most expensive friend.  :)  I went to see him because I felt like I needed to know if I was "coping" with this whole thing like a normal person, or if I was what I felt...a hot mess.

The good news is my heart is healing.  The bad news is it may never be like it was before December 14th.  Although I wish Jim had a magic formula for me to be on my happy way of never crying these tears again, he did have some advice that I took him up on today.

Embrace it and go there.  Cry. Wish for what was.  Mourn.  As many times as it takes.

So today I did just that.

Tim said I didn't seem like myself over the last couple days and asked the famous why question. I pictured him dipping his finger into the temperature of my heart as if to say, "are we ok?  I haven't done something, have I?"

"Just sad," I said.

"I know.  I've been thinking a lot about her today too.  What it would have been like to have two right now...to have another little one again."

Gulp.  Heart breaking again.

So lets just go there, shall we?

I want watch this grow. FOR A REASON! 

I want to replace the stained image in my mind of one of these, but see this.

I want to hear that scream.

I want this moment.

I want to fall asleep like this.

I want a room full of the people that love me best, starring.

I want to give him number ten.

I want him to work like this.

I want to see her face light up like only an "I am your big sister" snuggle could do.

As the day ends and my tears dry, I am thankful.  Even for this.  Thankful for the memories and the smiles that I found going through pictures and videos tonight.  Thankful for how this too is going to be part of my story.

"For now, while we still have such a hard time realizing that what's good is not always best, suffering still has a function.  As nothing else can, it moves us away from demanding what's good...towards desiring what's better...until heaven provides what's best." Larry Crabb

Got to go.  I have a hair appointment with a certain two year old that is still trying to understand "gentle"