My two and a half year project

I am an achiever.  It is one of the top "strengths" God cursed blessed me with.  Although I can see the strength of it, I see the weakness of it a lot too.  Too often I achieve something that is not attainable.  I want to achieve my to do list,  to be list, and how you think of me list.

That's why being a stay at home mom can be hard.  For me at least.  I won't pretend that I have done a national survey that says something about 79.4% of SAHM's nationwide feel like...blah blah.  I haven't and to be transparent, that stresses me out.  A lot.  

My very first job was babysitting my niece Lauren when Sarah had to work a couple days a week.  It was fantastic.  I got paid to play and shop with that little treasure.  Which by the way, she is almost 12 and I do not know what to do with myself!  Make. Her. Stop. Growing!

I love to work.  I have worked since I was 14. Because I love to achieve.  I have been abundantly blessed by being able to work from home for Circle while living in Miami, and it has been great.  I get to see my work benefit the school, families and others.  I get to see my hours of work come to life on a website that makes me want to pull my hair out, but also makes me pat myself on the back and say, "I did that!"

Here is what is hard for me.  Being a stay at home mom, I don't feel like I achieve much.

Tim and I went to Washington, DC for a few days last week and Gracie stayed with Sarah and Andrea.  After Sarah dropped Gracie off at Andrea's house she called and pour water all over my dry "achiever" garden.

I got off the phone and just cried.  She didn't have to, and I didn't ask "how have I done" but her phone call just to tell me that she thought I was an amazing mom, and had done an amazing job with Gracie was what I needed.  Because honestly, when I left her with Sarah on Saturday, the fear of oh my gosh, "I am not going to be there for three days and have NO idea how she is going to act," was a very real fear.  I felt like I was turning over my 2.5 year work project to be graded.  Critiqued.  By one of the very best mom's in my world.

Even stay at home mom's can achieve great things.  But a lot of the time they need someone from the outside to remind them of all they are achieving.  To point it out.  To bring light to it.

Who needs your encouragement today?  Who can you tell, "you are doing a great job with your kids".  If they need to hear it as much as I did, it will bring life to their soul, and if nothing else, convince them that they can do one more day.

Be encouraged friends,  The one who calls you is faithful to do it!  I Thes 5:24

Thank you, Sarah and Andrea for loving on my girl while I was gone.  She LOVED being with you!

I'm bothered!

I've been bothered the last couple of weeks, and can't seem to shake it.  

Why you ask?  Well you didn't really, but if you don't want to know go back to Facebook or Pinterest. 

Christmas is hitting stores everywhere and people don't like it.  That bothers me.  Not because I love Christmas, which is absolutely true, but because I love the Christmas story.  

When did we forget that its not about the tree, the decorations or the mile long to do list?  When did we forget that it was about a virgin who had a name, who was scared out of her mind, but who faithfully and blindly followed the angels instructions?  

If we saw a nativity scene set up all year long would we make comments to our best friends or update our Facebook status to read, "Unbelievable!  Don't they know it is only August?!" 

Christmas is one special boys birthday.  Thats all.  And we are allowed to participate in the miracle of it. Even in August.

Don't get me wrong, I am not advocating for all things christmas to be set up in Target all year long, although you will not find me disapproving.  

What would it look like if we really celebrate the Christmas story year round?  Wouldn't it put a smile on someones face?  Can't the Christmas cheer be spread even when you can't walk to your mailbox to get the mail without looking like you just ran a full marathon?  

What would your heart feel like if you took everything about the holidays that stressed you out and only participated in the things that made your heart swell?  Packing a shoe box for a child with less than most American children?  Inviting a friend over for dinner that doesn't have family in the area?  Buying a little something for someone unexpectedly just to let them know you were thinking about them?  Here are some ways!

I want to live every day of my life celebrating the miracle of Christmas and the redemptive love of Easter.  No matter what time of year.  I really want to be changed by the words in Luke 2.  

One of my greatest joys of expecting Gracie was preparing her room.  I organized and re-organized it a million times over.  I would tell Tim, "I got her room perfect today," and the next day it would be different.  

It wasn't perfect.  But He was.  His room was a barn, on top of hay, with animals surrounding Him.  Not with the paparazzi, and every family member waiting for their turn to hold this newborn King.  

I don't like that part of the story.  I don't like that from the very first breath He took on the very earth He created, He was already serving.  

My King was born, in a barn, and died on a cross...for me...and you! 

Don't let that pass you by.  Don't make Christmas anything that it isn't but make it everything it is!  

We then have the audacity to make comments about His birthday and how its "too soon" and "really, already?"  

My feelings would be flat out hurt, and I would just be mad.  That's the difference between me and Jesus.  

What would we be like if we celebrated Christmas more like a King's birthday and less like a Santa filled, commercialized holiday of pretend merriness?

What if we stopped competing with all of our friends to give our kids the best presents on our street and gave the best present away?  Your credit card, and your heart would thank you.   As would the generation coming up behind you and the Legacy you are leaving for them.

I love Christmas, and love every tradition that my parents set up for us as a family.  My most favorite of all, however, is the Luke 2 story.  Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without my dad's booming voice reading those words..."In those days Caesar Augustus"...

Christmas this year will already be different for me.  It will be Nana's first Christmas in Heaven, and the first one in 10+ years that I haven't fixed her Spode dinner plate full of all her favorites.  "That too much!" she would say, but clean off every crumb.  

Do me a favor?  When you see those Christmas decorations hitting the stores nearest to you, don't huff and puff.  Worship.  Smile and sing Happy Birthday to the King that saved you from yourself.  Christmas isn't about you anyways...unless you were born on December 25th and then I have news for you, its still not about you.  

Don't take for granted hearing your hero read the Christmas story, or fixing a dinner plate.  This may the last year for it anyways.

It's the most wonderful time of year!!!

What do you do when the next chapter of your life wasn’t one that you ever dreamed of having to write?  What if the Creator of the Universe already had your story written long before you were given a name, took a breath or had your first birthday?


Continue reading.  Visit me at a precious friends blog where I am her honored guest. 

Lets go there, shall we?

I should have known.  All the signs were there.  A terrible headache.  Not sleeping great.  No real desire to do much of anything except eat Oreos and donuts.

A couple weeks ago, I went and sat with Jim Keller.  He is an amazing man, counselor and my most expensive friend.  :)  I went to see him because I felt like I needed to know if I was "coping" with this whole thing like a normal person, or if I was what I felt...a hot mess.

The good news is my heart is healing.  The bad news is it may never be like it was before December 14th.  Although I wish Jim had a magic formula for me to be on my happy way of never crying these tears again, he did have some advice that I took him up on today.

Embrace it and go there.  Cry. Wish for what was.  Mourn.  As many times as it takes.

So today I did just that.

Tim said I didn't seem like myself over the last couple days and asked the famous why question. I pictured him dipping his finger into the temperature of my heart as if to say, "are we ok?  I haven't done something, have I?"

"Just sad," I said.

"I know.  I've been thinking a lot about her today too.  What it would have been like to have two right now...to have another little one again."

Gulp.  Heart breaking again.

So lets just go there, shall we?

I want watch this grow. FOR A REASON! 

I want to replace the stained image in my mind of one of these, but see this.

I want to hear that scream.

I want this moment.

I want to fall asleep like this.

I want a room full of the people that love me best, starring.

I want to give him number ten.

I want him to work like this.

I want to see her face light up like only an "I am your big sister" snuggle could do.

As the day ends and my tears dry, I am thankful.  Even for this.  Thankful for the memories and the smiles that I found going through pictures and videos tonight.  Thankful for how this too is going to be part of my story.

"For now, while we still have such a hard time realizing that what's good is not always best, suffering still has a function.  As nothing else can, it moves us away from demanding what's good...towards desiring what's better...until heaven provides what's best." Larry Crabb

Got to go.  I have a hair appointment with a certain two year old that is still trying to understand "gentle"

You're Already Amazing!

Courtney asked me to write a little blog on a favorite book I read a couple months ago!  She is giving one away!

Hop over to her blog to find out how to win!

Lil Light O' Mine

Happy Saturday!

Great People

Chip Ingram wrote a great book called "Good to Great in God's eyes".

He takes you through Ten Practices that Great Christians have in Common.

One being, Pursue Great People.

Michael Josephson says, "Toxic relationships not only make us unhappy; they corrupt our attitudes and dispositions in ways that undermine healthier relationships and prevent us from realizing how much better things can be". 

You are on to something there, Mr. Josephson!

We all know toxic relationships.  What concerns me is when you don't know you are in one, or worse, ARE one!  You are so far into it that you don't see reality.

I've been thinking recently about my relationships.  I've been doing a relationship check.  Do I feel alive and encouraged when I am with that person or drained and dead?  Am I sharped like iron as Proverbs talks about?  Do I feel safe with them and the things I share from my heart?

Who in your life do you need to pursue ?  Who do you need to take a couple steps away from?

Toxic relationships are everywhere because Satan is alive and well--- life is hard and hurtful---and people don't seek forgiveness, reconciliation and grace.   Sometimes you can't get away from them.

You can, however, Pursue Great People!

Treat yourself to someone who pursues greatness.  Your soul will be recharged, and your other relationships will bloom!

Board Exam Scores are out!

I never doubted my brilliant, Dr. Husband!  He passed Boards part 1!!!!

They say if you pass boards part one, you will graduate, and I say, lets wear the cap and gown, take the Hippocratic Oath, and be done already!  =)

I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of that man.  He has worked his rear end off for the last two years!

I would be lying if I told you that it didn't feel like we just climbed Mount Everest.  But we are at the summit now, resting and enjoying some down time before he wears his white coat, and hits the hospitals for his next 2 years of clinical rotations.

THANK YOU for praying with us and for him.  We serve a big God... who fills in big gaps when we have reached our limits.

Soli Deo gloria!

How's your foundation?

My parents took their 5 kids and spouses, and  7 grandchildren on a vacation of a life time.  It was an awesome, memory making, laughing our butts off 6 days!  I love coming from a big family, and love having siblings that are truly my best friends.

The reason for our trip was bitter sweet.  We were able to go because Nana's address was changed permanently to a golden Heaven PO box, and the inheritance that she left was divided between her 3 children.

My grandfather was a USPS letter carrier.  He walked faithfully in the hot Florida sun for 20+ years.  But more than that, He walked in the Son for even longer.  My grandparents lived a very frugal, simple life.  My grandmother stayed home with her children, never got her drivers license, but left a legacy that most only read about.

My grandfather never made more than $30,000 a year, but set my grandmother up to be taken care of with dignity until Jesus called her home 15 years after Papa went.  She was never a burden to any of her children because of the careful planning and simple living they did for years.

In her death, she gave her children and grandchildren an inheritance that allowed us to make amazing memories.

When I grieve, I tend to pour myself into something- may not be the best coping mechanism, but its just me, I guess.

I started cutting up Nana's clothes to make a quilt.  It was something that we could have forever.  In 8 days, I completed 3 of them.  One for my dad, and one for my aunt and uncle.  I smiled and with every stitch thought of all the times she had worn those shirts, dresses and pants.   I am forever changed by Grace Werner.

At the end of our vacation, my mom and dad gave the grandchildren a bear they had made out of one of Nana's shirts.  "Nana bears!"

Since we left I haven't stopped thinking about a simple truth.    At the end of your life, what will be given away?

At the end of Nana's life, there was 19 people gathered in a room, with one foundation.  Nana and Papa's desire was that the foundation of the Werner family be built on Jesus Christ.  The Werner girls have different last names now, but the foundation remains the same.

With all the events of this world, its quite clear that a lot of people do not hold true to that foundation.

As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.

How is your foundation?  If it's cracked, fix it.  Quickly.  If it's strong, its likely you need to thank a generation or two ahead of you.

Nana's great grandchildren

Thanks Nana and Papa, Dad and Mom for an amazing week.  I can't stop smiling!