T minus 4 days

What if plans are better as prayers and what if everything is supposed to happen this way because His Sovereign Hand can make any happening into good?


I read this on Ann Voskamp's blog yesterday, and I have pondered it off and on ever since. 

Yeah, Ann, What if?

What if He is going to make anything that breaks my heart into something that brings my heart deep joy?

What if, this journey I am on, is a lot less about a baby named Hope, and a lot more about learning to still hope?  Dream.  Trust.  

What if I really believed that nothing about my dream or life changed?  Losing Hope wasn't the death of a dream, it was the birth of an even bigger dream. 

What if this season of life I am in is preparing me for things I can't even dream of?  What if, He is going to bring me a house full of running feet, happy hearts and giggles that didn't come from my womb?  What if He is going to create life in my womb and is going to give me twins, or triplets?  (ah, Lord, if that is in the cards, please move me to Orlando next to my sisters!!)  

I tend to play the what if game frequently.  And by frequently I mean only the days that I breathe.  

I was having a conversation recently with a friend who was telling me that after seeing so many negative pregnancy tests, it is going to be hard to finally see a positive one.  At least with a negative one, you've walked that road before.  But the newness of a positive test after a loss can be debilitating.  Scary.  

I couldn't agree more.  I find myself asking God for that and in the very same breath FEAR that word.  

Why is that? 

What if there was no fear in seeing the positive word and only celebration?  Only tears of joy.  Jumping up and down like a crazy woman?! 

The only answer that I can come up with is Satan.  He wants us to be overcome by our fears.  He wants us to worry ourselves sick.  He wants us to do anything in his power to prevent us from worshipping the Giver of Life.

I have asked myself...(yes, I do talk to myself. A lot. A lot more than is probably healthy.)

What if I finally get pregnant and miscarry again.  Then what? 

Then the answer has to be that God in His sovereign plan has something else in mind. 

Don't misunderstand me.  This road wouldn't have been in my plan for me.  Or for anyone else for that matter.

But I also understand that suffering has the ability to bring growth and new life like nothing else does.  

My emotions have been all over the place this week.  Choosing Joy and practicing the 4:8 principle has been my number one goal.  But I'd be lying if I told you I didn't just weep.  

I did.  More than once.  But one of those times was when I heard that the same God who hasn't answered my prayer, answered a friends. 

Wednesday is fast approaching.   The tears fall more frequently, and I am letting them.   

Some plans don't change.  Like if I was getting ready to have a baby, my sister would be here.  Well, she is coming.  And we're going to celebrate.  Not sure how yet, but I am sure it will involve balloons.   I know it will involve tears.  And I can imagine it involves my Nana holding Hope and sitting at the feet of Jesus.  

I wouldn't want to come to my celebration if I was Hope either.  Not when she is at THE celebration.

Thanks for your prayers and support friends.  It really does mean more than you know!

Plan B...or is it Plan A?

I'm a planner.  Most everyone knows that.

I sent my sister an email telling her to "save the date" for Tim's graduation.  The email I got back said, "I am not putting a date in my calendar that is 2 years away! You are crazy, remind me next year!"  All of you laugh but this is coming from the woman who when I told her a year before about Tim's White Coat ceremony, she said, "Oh, we are already planning to be in Ohio!"

I like plans, I like 'save the dates', I like knowing what is going on and then putting my to-do list to work.

I don't like anything but plan A-my plan.  Insert eye roll because you now realize I am a bit obsessive.

Plan A became my plan B - but never was God's plan B.  Indeed, it was always His plan A.

My plan had me at 39 weeks pregnant, with an almost 2.5 year old, and a husband who was getting ready to take part one of his National Board Exam for medical school.   It makes me smile to think of the ways He loves me even in the things that hurt my heart.

I am a planner.

Can you imagine how I would be if I WAS on my plan A?!  I am sure I wouldn't be much fun to be around.

On His plan A...
I can lay on my belly with my girl and color.
I can run and sweat like a man at bootcamp. (and beat the guy who always beats me.  Insert eye roll because you now realize how competitive I am.)
I can help Tim by being completely tuned into his stress levels and what he needs as he runs the last two weeks of this part of his race.
I get more uninterrupted time with Gracie.   She is so much fun and I am LOVING making these memories of just the three of us.
We can play tennis on the roof on the condo and get completely soaked when a monsoon decided to dump on us!

All of these things I would have missed if my plan A was unfolding before me.

I'd be lying if I told you trying to figure out all the pieces of God's plan A for my life has been...fun...easy...enjoyable...predictable.  I don't know what it all looks like.

Obedience hasn't always been fun, easy or necessarily enjoyable.  If you don't believe me on that one, watch a two year old that is learning to obey.

On my journey to teaching Gracie to obey, it has been a constant reminder that obedience is required of me too.  She kicks, screams and asks if I give up yet.  I don't.  Because I know that obeying when she is 2 is the same as obeying when she is 22.   I can't help but wonder if He smiles when I kick, scream and ask if He gives up yet.  He doesn't.  Refining is all part of the Potter's plan.

I am training her to obey me- the same way she will obey her Heavenly Father.  To pay attention to the whispers.  The prompting. His will.  His play A.


There is no way for me to know where God is leading, and how His plan is going to turn out.  If the whisper I heard is right, I know which way we are heading, and its terrifying.  I've never done it before.  I don't know what that looks like.  It takes me out of my comfort zone.

I should get used to this pattern.

I get comfortable.  I plan.

He plans, I get uncomfortable.

Phil 1:21, For me to live is Christ and to die is gain. 

Here is to my plan A dying, and really living His plan A.

Meet Jen and Gavin

This is my BFF, Jenny.  We met in Highschool and were pretty much instant friends.  She was quiet, reserved and kind.  I was loud, obnoxious and, well, I hope kind.  Ha!

Jen and I have always joked that we do things so close to each other that it is hilarious.

We went to the same school after high school, we worked at the same spa for a while, we got married a week a part,  Gracie and Aiden are 3 months a part, and I wasn't the least bit surprised when I found out I was pregnant in October that our babies would be 5 weeks a part!  We like to keep things predictable, I guess!

She was one of the very few people I texted that December day when I knew something was terribly wrong.  She wept with me.  I wanted to be very cautious to not cause too much stress on her because of the sweet baby that was forming in her belly.  Two days after learning that my Hope had gone to be with her Creator, Jenny found out that Gavin Tyler was growing happily in her belly.

That whole morning, I just prayed a simple, constant prayer.  While her desire was to find out if she was having a girl or boy, my prayer was, "oh, please Lord, just let her see his/her heart beating".   My heart couldn't handle two loses so close together, and because our history is to do the SAME thing, I was terrified.

The Lord answered mine and so many other prayers when this guy joined his family almost two weeks ago!

There have been some things since being on this journey that I knew would be hard.  Hearing other people share their exciting news, and holding Gavin were two that I knew I would have to be prayed up for.

If I had my way, I would be waddleing around Winnie Palmer at 35 weeks pregnant waiting to go up and see Jen and Gavin.  Then resting him on my big ole belly like a built in Boppy!

I got a text from Jen early Tuesday morning telling me she was on her way to the hospital.  Of course, I called her instantly, because texting just isn't sufficient.  :)

Because we were in Miami, I paced around my house like a mad woman, just wanting to be at the hospital...looking for flights that didn't cost $350.00, texting her mom and sister demanding updates. (yes, I am still obnoxious.  Some things don't change!)

I stopped dead in my tracks when I knew she was pushing and smiled.

 I didn't know how I was going to react to all this.  I didn't know if I would melt to a puddle of tears and weep because my heart was hurting, or if I would be truly able to celebrate.  Here I was, celebrating, full force.  I couldn't get to Orlando fast enough.  I NEEDED to hold that baby!  Another thing I didn't know if  I would be able to do!

3 days later, I was able to hold that baby and soak him in.  I love Jen's oldest, Aiden, but I think there is something special between me and Gavin.

What Gavin doesn't know is he helped my heart heal.

Again.

I felt a little piece of my "Hope hole" close.  Gavin represents life, joy and God's amazing hand.  It was tangible for me that day.

A whisper from my Creator, that created Gavin and Hope.  Trust me, Lis.  Believe that I am not holding out on you, but preparing you for the best.  

Continue to choose to trust.  
Continue to choose to celebrate.  
Continue to choose heal.

And while you are holding Gavin, I am holding Hope.  


Gavin Tyler, you are a special, precious, wonderful treasure.  I love you and will pray for you like I did while you were in Mommy's belly.  You are going to help change hearts and the world, because on that Friday, you helped change mine.  I love you, buddy!

Meet Jenny and Gavin Tyler!

Grace M. Werner
October 17, 1915- May 9, 2012

I am named after my precious grandmother, Grace Werner. I love her. We have many amazing memories. I had the privilege of living and taking care of her for more than a year before I got married and LOVED it.

 Here are some of my memories that flood my mind when I think about this petite little woman we all called, Nana.

 Her house was ALWAYS spotless. It wasn't until I lived with her that I knew why. She dusted and cleaned EVERYDAY. I would have a whole basket of clothes in my room and I would come home from work to her saying, "well I had to do my laundry, and just needed a few more pieces". She would never admit that she did 4 loads!

 Whenever we would go to visit, there was a 75% chance that she would be outside sweeping her drive way in her "outdoor" white keds. She HATED those berries that would drop from the tree and stain her driveway! She swept everyday.

 She was the master Orange juice squeezer! She had multiple trees in her front yard and when they were ready for juicing, she would get everything set up and we would make a day of it. She had a way to get every OUNCE of juice out of those darn peels. She never threw anything away, and heaven forbid food. She would make sure she wasn't wasting anything!

 One of the first things I would do when we went to visit her was head to the guest bathroom, open up the cabinet and look for the body powder. She had a "puff" as big as my head, I would slip my tiny hand in that puff, lift my shirt up, and put a big ole helping of that body powder on...just like she showed me. =)

 She ALWAYS had Weathers Originals or tic tacs in her house. Always.

 When she would make lemonade in her pitcher with the pink tulip on it, she would put a paper towel on the top of it when she put it in the fridge. I didn't ever understand why, but have done the same thing.

 She was busy on Thursdays at 3:45. She would have her hair washed and set.

 Her cup was yellow and Papa's was green. They always sat next to the sink. Sometimes I don't think she ever washed them, but I know she did, because she was a neat freak.

 When I was living with her, and my best friend came to spend the night, a mouse got into the house. She was beside herself upset. We locked her in her room until we could find it. She came peaking out the door saying, "Elisabeth! I need my bible!"

 She made the best Bay's English Muffins, and put the most butter on them I have ever seen. She said its what made it good. She was right. It is her fault I love that "yellow stuff".

 When she moved to the assisted living, I would take her on her errands and dr appointments periodically. One day, she said she wanted to get in the wheel chair because we could be done faster. I didn't even think about it and walked to the electric wheelchairs, she looked at me like I had 4 heads and said, "I have never driven a car a day in my life, and you are going to try to put me in THAT?" We laughed until we cried.

 She had a little wooden 'thing', that we would pretend that it made coffee. It sits in my dad's house now, and my Gracie makes coffee just like I did.

 She had some 'dolls' that sat in a glass cabinet. I never understood why I couldn't play with them. She called them a funny name; hummels. She said they were expensive, and now I believe her.

 I would tease her all the time about if she found a boyfriend yet. She would laugh at first and then get very serious and say, "no, I am not interested in that. I had the perfect one, and He is in heaven waiting for me." I love her dedication and commitment to Papa even in his death.

 When I would ask her what she thought Papa was doing in heaven she said, "probably waiting at the gates for me! But Jesus needs to tell him it may be a while and to go do something else!"

 Nana, no more waiting. You are with Papa forever. You can run those golden roads and have Papa give you the tour of all of heaven. I am so thankful you are not in pain any longer. I love you and am so blessed and honored to be your granddaughter. I love being Elisabeth Grace, and I love having Grace Lee!

Gracie gets Kisses From Nana

Love this sweet picture!  

One of my last visits with Nana in March. 

Aunt Carol, Nana and Dad

Lauren and Nana 

Nana Sings, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus"

I love her.  I wonder what she is doing this VERY minute.  Smiling, I am sure!

Some days I feel like I have learned absolutely nothing and I can only see how much I still need to learn. Today is one of those days.

I am reading Andy Stanley's book, Enemies of the Heart, and it is ROCKING my world. I usually finish a book quickly, but with this one I am taking small bites and still feel like I may burst into tears at any point along the way.

Holy. Moly.

Yesterday, I thought I was navigating the journey of my life relatively well...but today, I am not so sure.

Let me be clear about one thing from the very beginning:

I do not claim to live a difficult life. Many (and maybe even most) people have a much pain-filled and difficult journey and story than I do.


I had an amazing childhood. I have parents who have been married for 35+ years. I have four siblings that I consider my very best friends and who now have spouses who are also my very best friends. I have an amazing husband who grew up in a home similar to mine. I have a 2 year-old daughter who is a source of pure joy and blessing.

But…

There. is. still. pain.

I don't enjoy pain. I like comfort. I like structure. I like organization and planning. I don't like unknowns or "growth opportunities.” But the more I seek the God I love, the more I am aware that He LOVES all of those things!

I believe that’s why my life has unfolded the way it has: God has forced lovingly pushed me out of my comfort zone, and forced encouraged me to grow.

And hello, NO ONE told me that your spouse might force encourage that too!!! Someone needs to tell people that in pre-marital counseling! Ha!

My desire is to be a woman after God's own heart.

It’s like having a seed, planting it, watering it, pruning it, until it sprouts a flower...or two.

The flowers may not come until heaven but the process has to start here. I don't want to be like the man in scripture who didn't do anything with what the Lord placed in his care.


I want flowers. Fruit. Growth.

BUT! I don't like pain!!!!!!!

Do you see my daily struggle?

Then you will understand why I burst into tears today when I read, The discomfort is part of the cure. To fix your heart we've got to exhaust it periodically and then let it rest.

I feel like my heart has been on a stress test for the last two years.

Becoming a mom.

Moving to Miami.

Being a wife to a medical student.

Working part time.

Miscarrying.

All of the pain past, present and future are all part of the cure.

So as I continue to read Andy's book, I am begging God to help me break free from the four emotions that control us. Guilt, Anger, Greed. Jealousy.

I kind of wish I could say that I don’t have an issue with any of them.

I really wish I could say I don’t have an issue with all four of them!

That’s another truth that makes me want to burst into tears!

God always has one of three responses when we prayerfully seek Him.

Yes.

No.

Wait.

Here we are. Waiting.

My body is functioning as it should be, and I am not pregnant. That's my answer: wait.

I am thankful for the growth and the ability to look at newborn pictures on facebook and completely and freely celebrate with those momma's with those babies in their arms. I delight in them. Its funny how the very thing you avoided for a while is the thing that seems to be like a soothing balm to my heart.

Because lets be honest. I have a lot of friends who have suffered this loss. I have a lot of friends who when I get a text or phone call from a silent, oh please, Lord, not another negative test. But they keep coming, and its all in the way you look at it, I suppose.

Even when I see the negative test, I am positive this is still part of God's great plan.

I am positive its all in His hands.

I am positive He is faithful.

I am positive that in His timing, I will see a positive test.

It still hurts, this I am positive of too.

But I am positively healing and ready for the day that the Lord answers mine and my dearest friends desire with a big, healthy, chubby cheeked, YES!!!

I am trying to see this less as an obstacle and more of an opportunity...to grow...trust...to soak in every minute with Tim and Gracie. To just be...Three.

Holley Gerth says in her book, "You Are Already Amazing"-
We've been made perfect-but we're still in the process of being made holy. God's goal in our lives in growth.

* Perfectionism is all or nothing.
* Growth is little by little.
* Perfectionism is all about the goal.
* Growth is all about the journey.
* Perfectionism is about outward appearances.
* Growth is about what happens inside.
* Perfectionism is about what we do.
* Growth is about who we're becoming.

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. Proverbs 4:18

Growth- I am positive its happening.

Gracie's 2nd Birthday

Minne Mouse water bottles =)

Cupcakes!

Special cupcake for the birthday girl!

Mouse tails!

Fruit cones!

Chocolate covered strawberries!

"Photo booth"

The table =)

Banner, made by the amazing, Nicole Werner :)

The Piñata I made from a box, and black tissue paper! So fun!

Photo frame for "autographs"

Creativity table!

The birthday girl, with her adorable shirt from the talented Emily Campano!