Some days I feel like I have learned absolutely nothing and I can only see how much I still need to learn. Today is one of those days.

I am reading Andy Stanley's book, Enemies of the Heart, and it is ROCKING my world. I usually finish a book quickly, but with this one I am taking small bites and still feel like I may burst into tears at any point along the way.

Holy. Moly.

Yesterday, I thought I was navigating the journey of my life relatively well...but today, I am not so sure.

Let me be clear about one thing from the very beginning:

I do not claim to live a difficult life. Many (and maybe even most) people have a much pain-filled and difficult journey and story than I do.


I had an amazing childhood. I have parents who have been married for 35+ years. I have four siblings that I consider my very best friends and who now have spouses who are also my very best friends. I have an amazing husband who grew up in a home similar to mine. I have a 2 year-old daughter who is a source of pure joy and blessing.

But…

There. is. still. pain.

I don't enjoy pain. I like comfort. I like structure. I like organization and planning. I don't like unknowns or "growth opportunities.” But the more I seek the God I love, the more I am aware that He LOVES all of those things!

I believe that’s why my life has unfolded the way it has: God has forced lovingly pushed me out of my comfort zone, and forced encouraged me to grow.

And hello, NO ONE told me that your spouse might force encourage that too!!! Someone needs to tell people that in pre-marital counseling! Ha!

My desire is to be a woman after God's own heart.

It’s like having a seed, planting it, watering it, pruning it, until it sprouts a flower...or two.

The flowers may not come until heaven but the process has to start here. I don't want to be like the man in scripture who didn't do anything with what the Lord placed in his care.


I want flowers. Fruit. Growth.

BUT! I don't like pain!!!!!!!

Do you see my daily struggle?

Then you will understand why I burst into tears today when I read, The discomfort is part of the cure. To fix your heart we've got to exhaust it periodically and then let it rest.

I feel like my heart has been on a stress test for the last two years.

Becoming a mom.

Moving to Miami.

Being a wife to a medical student.

Working part time.

Miscarrying.

All of the pain past, present and future are all part of the cure.

So as I continue to read Andy's book, I am begging God to help me break free from the four emotions that control us. Guilt, Anger, Greed. Jealousy.

I kind of wish I could say that I don’t have an issue with any of them.

I really wish I could say I don’t have an issue with all four of them!

That’s another truth that makes me want to burst into tears!