Some days I feel like I have learned absolutely nothing and I can only see how much I still need to learn. Today is one of those days.

I am reading Andy Stanley's book, Enemies of the Heart, and it is ROCKING my world. I usually finish a book quickly, but with this one I am taking small bites and still feel like I may burst into tears at any point along the way.

Holy. Moly.

Yesterday, I thought I was navigating the journey of my life relatively well...but today, I am not so sure.

Let me be clear about one thing from the very beginning:

I do not claim to live a difficult life. Many (and maybe even most) people have a much pain-filled and difficult journey and story than I do.


I had an amazing childhood. I have parents who have been married for 35+ years. I have four siblings that I consider my very best friends and who now have spouses who are also my very best friends. I have an amazing husband who grew up in a home similar to mine. I have a 2 year-old daughter who is a source of pure joy and blessing.

But…

There. is. still. pain.

I don't enjoy pain. I like comfort. I like structure. I like organization and planning. I don't like unknowns or "growth opportunities.” But the more I seek the God I love, the more I am aware that He LOVES all of those things!

I believe that’s why my life has unfolded the way it has: God has forced lovingly pushed me out of my comfort zone, and forced encouraged me to grow.

And hello, NO ONE told me that your spouse might force encourage that too!!! Someone needs to tell people that in pre-marital counseling! Ha!

My desire is to be a woman after God's own heart.

It’s like having a seed, planting it, watering it, pruning it, until it sprouts a flower...or two.

The flowers may not come until heaven but the process has to start here. I don't want to be like the man in scripture who didn't do anything with what the Lord placed in his care.


I want flowers. Fruit. Growth.

BUT! I don't like pain!!!!!!!

Do you see my daily struggle?

Then you will understand why I burst into tears today when I read, The discomfort is part of the cure. To fix your heart we've got to exhaust it periodically and then let it rest.

I feel like my heart has been on a stress test for the last two years.

Becoming a mom.

Moving to Miami.

Being a wife to a medical student.

Working part time.

Miscarrying.

All of the pain past, present and future are all part of the cure.

So as I continue to read Andy's book, I am begging God to help me break free from the four emotions that control us. Guilt, Anger, Greed. Jealousy.

I kind of wish I could say that I don’t have an issue with any of them.

I really wish I could say I don’t have an issue with all four of them!

That’s another truth that makes me want to burst into tears!

God always has one of three responses when we prayerfully seek Him.

Yes.

No.

Wait.

Here we are. Waiting.

My body is functioning as it should be, and I am not pregnant. That's my answer: wait.

I am thankful for the growth and the ability to look at newborn pictures on facebook and completely and freely celebrate with those momma's with those babies in their arms. I delight in them. Its funny how the very thing you avoided for a while is the thing that seems to be like a soothing balm to my heart.

Because lets be honest. I have a lot of friends who have suffered this loss. I have a lot of friends who when I get a text or phone call from a silent, oh please, Lord, not another negative test. But they keep coming, and its all in the way you look at it, I suppose.

Even when I see the negative test, I am positive this is still part of God's great plan.

I am positive its all in His hands.

I am positive He is faithful.

I am positive that in His timing, I will see a positive test.

It still hurts, this I am positive of too.

But I am positively healing and ready for the day that the Lord answers mine and my dearest friends desire with a big, healthy, chubby cheeked, YES!!!

I am trying to see this less as an obstacle and more of an opportunity...to grow...trust...to soak in every minute with Tim and Gracie. To just be...Three.

Holley Gerth says in her book, "You Are Already Amazing"-
We've been made perfect-but we're still in the process of being made holy. God's goal in our lives in growth.

* Perfectionism is all or nothing.
* Growth is little by little.
* Perfectionism is all about the goal.
* Growth is all about the journey.
* Perfectionism is about outward appearances.
* Growth is about what happens inside.
* Perfectionism is about what we do.
* Growth is about who we're becoming.

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. Proverbs 4:18

Growth- I am positive its happening.

Gracie's 2nd Birthday

Minne Mouse water bottles =)

Cupcakes!

Special cupcake for the birthday girl!

Mouse tails!

Fruit cones!

Chocolate covered strawberries!

"Photo booth"

The table =)

Banner, made by the amazing, Nicole Werner :)

The Piñata I made from a box, and black tissue paper! So fun!

Photo frame for "autographs"

Creativity table!

The birthday girl, with her adorable shirt from the talented Emily Campano!

Cheaters

My husband is a cheater.

It's a choice he makes. He chooses to cheat.

Wait.

Before you go getting all upset that I just said that on my blog, let me explain!

He has three main titles: husband, father, and medical student. He cheats one to be better at the other two.

In a message I listened to recently from Andy Stanley called "Choosing to cheat", he says, "Everyday we make a decision on how we will spend our time. There is not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. Therefore, something always gets cheated. We need to learn to cheat at work and stop cheating at home. Instead of asking God to fill in the gaps at home, we should ask God to fill in the gaps at work and trust God to be faithful."

Tim cheats. He cheats at school but does not cheat at home. While others in his class are getting together to study after classes are over, Tim comes home to play. He comes home to eat. He comes home to watch Gracie so I can have some time to myself. He puts 6 hours a week into a part time job that brings in some money to make it possible to do fun things, eat out, for me to be able to go to Orlando, and drive a new car.

I am so thankful for a husband that CHOOSES to put his family first. Because he does, God fills in the gaps. When he can't do anymore, he trusts God with the outcome.

It says a lot about Tim when other people are not doing as well as he is and they have less than he has to worry about. They have no wife, no child, no part time job, and no leadership positions that they hold at school.

It makes me smile when I think about all that Tim Graeser is accomplishing because he answered the call on his life to go. To move to Miami, to enroll in school and be the leader that he is.

But be sure of one thing.

He doesn't do it in his own strength. He couldn't. He does it only through the strength of Jesus Christ, and to glorify Him alone. He could be at the very top of his class, and the valedictorian, but instead he is at the top of God's will for his life.

That my friends, lasts for eternity.

If you have a husband that cheats everywhere but home, tell him you appreciate him. I know I don't do that enough, and from what Tim says, they never get tired of hearing it! :)

Dear Hope

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wonder what you're doing in your heavenly home. It has been 12 weeks since we learned that your grande entrance was made into heaven and that it wouldn't be made here.

Sometimes I think that it gets easier but more often than not, it feels like it gets harder.

You are not forgotten. Life has gone on for everyone, and has gone back to normal but you are not forgotten. The questions may have slowed down to see how we are doing living without you but you're not forgotten and you never will be.

While we are praying for the Lord to grow our family- it hurts thinking about you not having a crib in our house, toys on the floor and clothes hanging in a closet. I imagine your crib, toys and clothes are more amazing than anything I could give you here. Our home can't compare to your home. The stationary rocking horse can't compare to the all white horse that I imagine you riding around on.

It feels wrong actually- asking the Lord to create life in my body in His timing after begging for your life on that Wednesday, December 14th. Sitting at Omie's house texting others to pray for you. For me. For daddy.

The truth is your have life. Fully. You are fully alive in Christ- and while the tears still come, that makes me smile.

It is in fact baby season again. 10+ people that I know are pregnant and it seems more are sharing their joys everyday. I am so thankful that the Lord gives life abundantly. I find myself praying for them, but in a different way. I pray that they will never know the pain I have come to know. That they won't have to experience the deep heart hurt that my dear friends, Lindsey, Emily, Angela, Sarah and so many others know.

Although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, the fact is you are with Jesus and I do know it. But because I know it I can understand, relate and pray on a deeper level that I have never known before. Through knowing the pain of losing you, I have learned the pain of knowing Jesus much deeper.

Following Jesus has never proved to be easy. Just worth it. The pain on this side of heaven is to much to carry sometimes, until I remember that its temporary. This will all be worth it.

Hope Caroline, you have changed me. In the short weeks I knew of you, you changed me. You changed my heart and opened cavities in it that I never knew existed. I will never forget you because my heart will never be the same.

I love you,
Mommy

Her last month being one!

In less than a month, my girl is going to be 2.

I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone?

There are very few things left of "baby"- her paci and sleeping in a crib. She will have both until she graduates high school. She still asks for her bottle every. single. day! oy!

I am up to my nose in planning her Minnie Mouse party, and I can't wait. I love this. Celebrating someone I love. I celebrate her every day, but I love the thought of tons of people coming together on one day to celebrate her too. She is the best thing in my world and should be celebrated in big ways! :) You can roll your eyes here, I have issues, I know! :)

As March 11th gets closer, I can't help but remember every minute of her birthday.
9pm checking into Winnie Palmer to be induced.
1030pm checking into our room and being told to put on that "gown"
11-1130, exam with nurse, answering a million questions and signing tons of papers.
12am- order what they say would be my "last supper" before the big day
12:17am- Nurse comes in because my heart rate monitor was going off.
12:18am- 12 people rush my room, desperately trying to get her heart rate to be found. Then rushed to the c-section room.
12:20am-Tim calls my dad and sister to come to the hospital. While he is kept outside I am laying on the c-section table begging the Lord for her life. They find her heart beat. THE BESTTTT sound in the whole entire world.
12:27am- they let Tim in and begin surgery.
12:33am- I hear her scream- the second best sound in the world. Tim and I are parents and have loved every second of it!

We are so thankful for the treasure God has blessed us with.

I am however, not sure what I think about her growing up and being 2!!! Slow down time!!!

A month out.

I am so thankful for your prayers, and encouragement the last month.

My heart has stopped bleeding, and is healing a tiny bit at a time, and the big hole is closing. The tears have become less and the laughs more. The dreaming of how God is going to grow our family has continued instead of being angry at what He took away from us.

Yes, Lord, I do still trust you.

There have been many times during the last month that I have screamed, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" I never hear an audible answer but my heart has gotten different whispers. Some times, pure silence. Its on days like those that I have to lean in closer, be more still, and finally say, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."

I don't have His answer. I don't need it. When you don't know what the next thing to do is, do the next right thing. The next right thing is and has been to put my faith fully in Him and rely heavily for His direction.


Perfect faith is faith that moves us to trust God when He doesn't seem to be moving.- Andy Stanley


He has been still for a while now, or so it seems. But looking back, He hasn't been. I haven't taken many steps. I haven't had too. I have been carried. Its slow, but its forward. He hasn't left me yet.

My plan and my faith is designed to trust God.

This isn't random. This is His story for me. This is her story. Its the story that I can start here, and she can finish there. I started her book, and as she sits on the lap of her Father, they finish it. Without heartbreak, sin and evil. Only joy. Only trust. Only good.

My story is being written here and will end there too, as will yours. What you pen here matters. How you live matters. How you trust matters. How you deal with heartbreak matters.

There are lessons to be learned from a little girl that I never met face to face but that I knew so well already.

To trust.

Fully.

When none of it makes since.

It's not about me, but Him.

I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me according to your word. Luke 1:38TNIV

I won't lose Hope. I won't here, and I won't there. Praise Jesus!