There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wonder what you're doing in your heavenly home. It has been 12 weeks since we learned that your grande entrance was made into heaven and that it wouldn't be made here.
Sometimes I think that it gets easier but more often than not, it feels like it gets harder.
You are not forgotten. Life has gone on for everyone, and has gone back to normal but you are not forgotten. The questions may have slowed down to see how we are doing living without you but you're not forgotten and you never will be.
While we are praying for the Lord to grow our family- it hurts thinking about you not having a crib in our house, toys on the floor and clothes hanging in a closet. I imagine your crib, toys and clothes are more amazing than anything I could give you here. Our home can't compare to your home. The stationary rocking horse can't compare to the all white horse that I imagine you riding around on.
It feels wrong actually- asking the Lord to create life in my body in His timing after begging for your life on that Wednesday, December 14th. Sitting at Omie's house texting others to pray for you. For me. For daddy.
The truth is your have life. Fully. You are fully alive in Christ- and while the tears still come, that makes me smile.
It is in fact baby season again. 10+ people that I know are pregnant and it seems more are sharing their joys everyday. I am so thankful that the Lord gives life abundantly. I find myself praying for them, but in a different way. I pray that they will never know the pain I have come to know. That they won't have to experience the deep heart hurt that my dear friends, Lindsey, Emily, Angela, Sarah and so many others know.
Although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, the fact is you are with Jesus and I do know it. But because I know it I can understand, relate and pray on a deeper level that I have never known before. Through knowing the pain of losing you, I have learned the pain of knowing Jesus much deeper.
Following Jesus has never proved to be easy. Just worth it. The pain on this side of heaven is to much to carry sometimes, until I remember that its temporary. This will all be worth it.
Hope Caroline, you have changed me. In the short weeks I knew of you, you changed me. You changed my heart and opened cavities in it that I never knew existed. I will never forget you because my heart will never be the same.
I love you,
Mommy
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thanks for your courage to share. love ya! -courtney
ReplyDeleteI had to come back and read this again this morning. I love love love your honesty. It's true, the questions and the sweet words stop after a time, but as mommas, not a day goes by that we don't think about what might have been. Yesterday I talked with a friend who had the same due date as I would have had. She was complaining about feeling fat. It broke my heart. I told her that I would take big and pregnant over normal sized with a broken heart any day. I am so grateful that you openly express what I and so many others can't. I am thankful that you share your heart so willingly. Miscarriage is often a silent heart ache, because unless you have gone through it, it is difficult to comprehend the sadness that comes from it. I prayed for a friend like you, someone I could be broken around, someone who really understood. God answered my prayer.
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