Letters of Love.

I am a sentimental freak. I admit it. I am. I save everything, and want every occasion big or small, to be big! I am all about traditions and memories, so you can imagine that with a baby, I am in my element! I LOVE it.

But.

I am also controlled by my fears. I am a work in progress. It is a weakness but also in a twisted way, a strength.

I was watching Oprah and saw an episode of the mother who was diagnosed with cancer and recorded more than 200 hours of conversations for her daughter. Walking her through most of her child hood into adult hood because she knew she would not be around to do it physically. I was moved to tears. A lot of tears.

I don't have cancer, nor do I have any illness or health conditions that imply that my days are almost over, but I do know this. Life is but a vapor. A blink. A moment. In just one moment, everything could change. I could be gone.

So I started thinking, what if that was me. What if God called me home tomorrow--Gracie is 14 months old.

Would she remember me? Would she know how absolutely crazy I am about her? Would she sense the Legacy that I so desperately want to leave her?

There was only one way for me to be sure of it. To write her letters for the big things in life that every mom wants to walk a daughter through-- Asking Jesus in her heart, Having a baby, getting married, being engaged, dating, College, Prom, High School, Graduation, Driving, Starting her period, Losing her first tooth, Her first serious injury, etc.

So I started writing. And writing. And writing.

As I sat in front of a blank piece of paper, I thought to myself, "What would I want to read from my mom if she wasn't here when I was... getting married, having a baby, broke my arm, was leaving for college, had a fight with my dad?"

"What do I want Gracie to know more than anything in this whole world"?

The answer? She is the Daughter of the King, She is loved unconditionally, She is special, She is celebrated, She is a treasure, Her emotions are normal, and I am Proud!

This exercise has changed me...I find myself in the midst of frustration, pausing, taking a deep breath and saying (a lot of times out loud) "Don't miss this Lis, tomorrow it could be gone"!

Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren’t commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privilege. Never forget. - Ann Voskamp

If tomorrow, Jesus calls me home, I want my girl to know and be told by everyone around her that her Momma loved her with everything she had, and took her job as her mom very, very serious.

Help me, Jesus, in remembering that I have the privilege of sculpting this little girls soul.

Here are some pictures of her love letters:

15 months

Today, Gracie is 15 months old. Where has the time gone?!
Here is a picture of her favorite things, and a picture of my treasure. She makes me smile!

Here We Go..again

Summer break is over for Tim, and tomorrow starts the Summer semester.

I'd be lying if I told you I was looking forward to it. I was intentional about not thinking about him "going back to school" during the amazing 2 weeks we had at here, in Orlando and then at the beach with Gracie. I needed it. He needed it. She needed it. We needed it.

But here we are. Back in Miami, and the choice is sitting before me. Pity party or Joy? Count my gifts or count what I wish "was"? Which I call tell you is lengthy!

I asked Tim at dinner if he ever felt spiritually "dead". His response was surprising--what did I mean by "dead"? I tried to explain, but couldn't, really. What did I mean? Dry? Lonely? Dead? I still don't know what I meant by that except for it is how I feel since being here. Maybe its because I don't feel like I am being fed the way I was in Orlando. Church, Legacy, friends and family.

I miss my mentoring girls. A lot. My Soul longed for our monthly Thursday night gatherings. Sometimes my soul even feared it. These women were real. No joking around. No faking life. They would ask me questions. Hard questions. Some I didn't even want to answer. But when I left, my soul was ecstatic and exhausted. I miss that. I miss them. All of them. I miss feeling like I have grown. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to know I am making progress. Maybe I am and just don't feel it?

Miami didn't change while we were gone. People are still rude, self centered and dark. You still get honked at ALL the time, and life here is hurried.

I have to smile when I think about God's timing though. Tim was originally supposed to start school tonight, but his class got canceled. Something about teaching Dr's having patients?! =) So he goes back tomorrow morning, all day. BUT God did something sweet for me, my best friend and her family is coming down tomorrow!! I don't know who is more excited, me or Gracie!! Those are the gifts I am counting: canceled classes and Sassy and Bub visits!

I am also counting my gifts like Baby Tylenol. Gracie has been running a fever and just feels crappy. Her fussing and whining is totally out of control because after all, she feels crappy!! Another gift: a baby that wants to "hold you" and be snuggled. All day long. I am beyond blessed to be her mom. Even when she's sick. Hopefully tonight she will rest better. She needs to be ready to play with the girls!

Thank you Lord for the journey you have set before me. I don't always like it, but if it makes me more like you, its worth it. All I know of me, towards all I know of you!

Bondage.

I am reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free, and this was so though provoking.

"Enslaved parents teach their children how to live in bondage even with the best of intentions to do otherwise."

I am becoming more and more aware of the things that I do not want my sweet Gracie girl to deal with.

This was from an excerpt from It's Always Something by the late Gilda Radner.

When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, a mutt, and the dog was pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies will be okay. She will be able to deliver the puppies."
Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."
So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned to walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps and flipping up her back side. She gave birth to 6 puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.

Little eyes are watching. Every. Move. You. Make.

Be intentional!

A Whisper.

I finished reading Bill Hybel's book, The Power of a Whisper.

Last night I was in desperate need of a shout but would have taken a whisper too.

This is what I wrote in my journal at 9:00pm last night.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Because you can handle it, and for what it's worth- I'm mad- I'm over it.

I hate being here! I hate that you brought us here, put us in this desert, and for all practical purposes abandon us.

Where are you??

How am I supposed to do community when there isn't any community in this place?

I'm so over being alone- so over sitting in the same 3 rooms and doing nothing of worth.

I'm so over having no friends while I know that all of my friends and family are sitting at a restaurant laughing and celebrating Nicole's birthday without me.

I'm so over not being miles away from my sister.

I'm so over medical school and it controlling mine and Tim's weekend and seeing him so tired and stressed all the time.

I'm over it! Why are we here? Where are you, Lord?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With that, I sobbed until I couldn't cry anymore. There are very few days like this, but when they come, they come full force. I would have never imagined my Jesus would respond the way he did this morning.

I woke up and was in desperate need of my time with him, so I put Gracie in the stroller, and Chris Tomlin on my phone and ran. I would have cried if I wasn't just trying to survive! It was hot! :)

When we got back, Gracie went down for a nap, and I went to the pool.

I was reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free. Chapter 4 is titled, "To Find Satisfaction in God." In the chapter she talks about how you seek what will meet your need, and later says, "The most obvious symptom of a soul in need of God's satisfaction is a sense of inner emptiness. Just like your stomach growls when you are hungry, your soul growls when it needs to be fed too."

She then asked this question: Does your hungry soul ever manifest physical symptoms such as irritability, selfish ambitions, anger, impure thoughts, envy, resentment, and eruption of lust?

Yes, yes, yes! Less than 24 hours ago my soul was screaming for a whisper- a hunger that needed to fed. To really know if God did have me in His hands.

I finish that chapter right as North Point comes on--Jeff Henderson--Week 4 of Life Apps.

He was talking about Elijah in 1 Kings--and this struck me. In 1 Kings 19:3, Elijah says, "I've had enough"--or in my words, "I'm over this".

Here it was- my whisper. I asked, "where are you" and he said, "right here. I haven't moved. You did."

Jeff ends with talking about the importance of resting, recovering and replenishing so you can be at your best.

"Your life moves to a better place- when you move at a sustainable pace" Jeff Henderson

Here is how the Lord ended his sweet whisper to me--with this song by Bebo Norman. And of course the title is, "In Your Hands."

That was my whisper-and at the end, a big kiss on the forehead from my Heavenly Father. Just to let me know, He is There, and I am in His Hands.


You can listen to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0wnnqeu2IA


Here are the lyrics:
I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands

Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old

Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands

Ruth

Wow.

I was given a study on the Book of Ruth from my cousin, Rebekah, shortly after we moved to Miami. It was written by her friend, Kelly Minter, and it impacted her. She thought I would enjoy it, and boy was she right! Thanks Beks for sending it to me.

It's a 6 week study on Ruth, and it took me much longer to finish, but today I finished. Gracie has been sick- I put her down on my bed for a nap, and cuddled up with her for what I thought was going to be 30 minutes of distraction free time with Jesus. She has been asleep for more than 2.5 hours, so I was able to finish the study today. (Thanks, Gracie girl :)

I have read Ruth countless times and to be honest, was never really impressed with her story. I thought it was kind of boring actually. I much prefer Tamar or Rahab's! Ruth was a good girl who followed her mother in law to a foreign land. Rahab was a prostitute!

What I learned about Ruth in the last few months has changed my thinking. It's changed my view on being found faithful. Obedient.

She was an amazing woman, and I can't wait to sit at her feet in heaven to hear her tell the story as she see's it. What was she experiencing in her heart while she waited to find out if she would be taken by Boaz to be his wife?

What I think I loved most about the story of Ruth is the ending. When it gets to the part where it tells you about the son she and Boaz had together- Obed. Then you read about the genealogy of Obed. He was the father of Jesse, that father of David, David was the father of Solomon, who's mother had been Uriah's wife. You continue on in Matthew 1 to Jacob, the father of Joseph, the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called The Christ.

Do you see the significance is Ruth's life? Do you see what would have been missed if she did as Naomi had instructed and went back? Ruth's decision could have impacted and changed the genealogy of Jesus.

Are you like me? Do you wonder what is hanging in the balance? Do you wonder what could be and should be, if you are just obedient to walk it out? God has a will for your life, and mine. It's up to us on how quickly we get there, and the journey that we set out on.

Obedience. Trust. Faithfulness. That's all He asks of me. It's all He asks of you too. We see a pin size portion of the big picture.

If God created Ruth for a purpose, He created me for one too. If I am faithful, obediant and trust him, who will be in my geneology a few generations from now? Who will benefit from my obediance?
It's just called a Legacy. You always leave one. Is it one of Trust, Obedience and Faithfulness? What would change in your life now?

Just my thoughts on Ruth.

Race Day

6 DAYS.

6.

Not 6 weeks, 6 DAYS!!!

This is it. This is what Tracey, Christina and I have trained long and hard for. To cross the finish line.

This training has been much more spiritual than I expected it to be. Almost completely, really.

My top strength is Discipline. It defines who I am. And when I say I am going to do something, that strength is what gets me to the end.

When I signed up for this race in August, I knew that there was no turning back. I could see the finish line in the distance. It was the 1 loop around the golf course. I talk to myself all the time, so it wasn't abnormal for me to say things like, "Half, way!", "I CAN do this, "Help me, Lord", "I am fearfully and wonderfully made, he made my legs to do this", "just don't stop, keep running".

That one lap turned into 8- getting longer every Sunday.

On Saturday night before I would go to sleep, I would make up in my mind that I was going to finish, and finish strong. I wasn't going to stop, and I wasn't going to walk. I would slow my pace if I needed to but stopping wasn't an option.

That's where the spiritual part came in. Being in Miami isn't an option. It's a calling. Its exactly where God has put me. Following Christ isn't an option. It's a calling. It's exactly what He wants from me. In fact, it's the reason He created me!

It never surprised me when Chris Tomlin's, "God of the City" would come on my headphone. Every hair on my body would stick straight up, my smile was the size of the moon, and in that very moment, I knew. He was with me. Watching me. Running with me. Delighting in me. And all of heaven was cheering for me.

My pace would get faster as I imagined crossing that finish line with Christina and Tracey. In fact, at the end of all of my long runs, Tim would to the finish line (the balcony) with Gracie because I needed the visual. Not just for race morning. But for every day of life. Heaven in '11. The ultimate finish line. I want to go sprinting, with a smile on my face, and hear from the One that created my legs, "well done".

This training has changed me. I said, "I could never", and He said "you can. I know, I made you".

This is the year of doing hard things, it's been hard, but its been worth it.

Thank you Lord for what you're doing in my heart and soul--I love running with you. I feel ya!

Tim- you are an amazing cheerleader for me. Your heytell messages of "you got this babe!" made me smile when I wanted to cry. Thanks for being at the finish line pumping your fist in the air. Graeser's don't quit.

Tracey and Christina- thanks for being part of this challenge with me. I have LOVED knowing that you are in Orlando working towards the same thing with me.

The rest of my family- thank you for keeping me accountable to finish this thing.

Miss Morris- since talking to you the last couple weeks, I don't take the oxygen that fills my lungs lightly anymore. I pray for you more than you know, and think about you all the time.

Next one, In November!! Who's with me???