Friends

I have come to realize how truly blessed I am by the friends I have in my life. I've always thought they were the absolute best but not until moving here did I truly realize how hard friends are to come by.

We've been here for more than 5 weeks, and I still don't have any friends. It's me, Gracie and Tim.

I overheard a conversation in the elevator between two women who were talking amongst themselves about how they are only friends with beautiful people. What a sad life they must live. I think my friends are the most beautiful people I know, but I quickly realized that I think they are beautiful not because of their outward shell, but because of their heart.

I was expecting it to get easier the longer we would be here, but it has gotten harder. More lonely.

I am so thankful that the last 3 weekends I have had some of my best friends come play with me. To breath life back into me. To fill my cup. To love on me. To snuggle Gracie.

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. I am so thankful for my best friend and only sister- she gave me the afternoon and night off yesterday.

Some things I took for granted before I moved to Miami. Friends are no longer one of them.

Weekends...

I've decided weekends are the hardest, and loneliest. Weekends used to be the best but now I find myself dreading them.

I find myself wondering what everyone is doing in Orlando--what we are missing.

This weekend, I know mom and dad are spending a quiet weekend at home...working no doubt and probably not much relaxing but how I wish I could take a walk and sit on the porch and talk to my Momma.

Sarah, Brian and the girls, are at the beach--enjoying the sun, the breeze and each other. How I miss those little girls and their giggles, and boy do I miss my sister and our talks.

I miss Drew and Nicole, and the way rhey make me laugh until I cry...I do think I have the funniest brother.

I miss rubbing Andrea's belly and watching Jackson grow...

I miss Jon and Christina and Aviana...I need some snuggles from that little girl...I need to see her walking and carrying her purse.

I miss Sunday morning and being in Church with my whole family on one row--and lunch at moms after.

Before this move, I took weekends for granted.

Today I am looking back, and remembering all the good memories I have, and how much I love that family of mine.

Maybe thats one reason I am here--to savor every moment, and take nothing for granted. Lesson learned, Lord. Can I go home now???

Choosing to be thankful.

There are a lot of things I am good at. Things that come easy for me...and then there are things that are hard for me, and things that don't come easy. Being positive is way harder than being negative! I have to fight hard to not just let it slip out.

Yesterday I let it win. I had a pity party. A cry fest. "A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day." This morning I even woke up feeling like that, and when I opened my eyes it was like Jesus said, "psst..we don't have to have that kind of day again today, its your choice. Choose to be thankful". Then I cried again. How selfish of me to dwell on me, and my feelings when there are so many that are going through so much more.

I'm not going to lie--looking at this mountain 300 miles away, it didn't seem as big as it does, standing at the bottom of it and looking up. It feels huge. Because it is huge. But it can be climbed. And gosh darn it, I will climb it, and live to tell about it!!

I have a sign hanging in the living room that says, "there is always, always, always something to be thankful for". I get smacked upside the head every time I look at it. There is so many people suffering around me.

If God doesn't do a miracle in little Ava's body, the doctors say she wont be here much longer. The God I know does do miracles and is the ultimate doctor. He will heal her. I am begging him to heal her here. I can not imagine what the Hunters are going through. I'm thankful.

Many are in extreme amounts of physical pain--pain that is sometimes unbearable. I can not imagine. I am thankful.

Some go to dumpsters to find food to feed their family. I can not imagine. I am thankful.

Today I am choosing to be thankful for the health of my daughter, the love of my husband, the support of my friends and family, the way the Lord provides for all of my needs, and that I don't have to think about climbing this mountain alone.

Miami is a sad place. People are mean. Sad. Lonely. Depressed. Angry. Out of place.

I may be the only smile they see today, and maybe just maybe, they will see the Light. This is my mission field.

Today, I am thankful and I am homesick. Terribly. But what I realized today is that I am even more homesick for Heaven. Where cancer doesn't threaten the life of Ava Hunter, people don't have to eat from dumpsters, pain is wiped out and orphans are forever in a home.

Sitting up :)

Thoughts.

Today is the day. There is no turning back now. Tim is out the door and probably walking to his first class.

The house is quiet. My bible, journal and coffee cup from my sisters accompany me. Gracie is asleep on my bed. She has had a rough couple of days. She has been to sleep in to many places. Omie's, Sassy's, the beach and her bed. She got up every hour, confused as to where she was now I think.

Today it was a spiritual lesson for me...I was tired, and sick and tired of getting up every 40 minutes to pat her bottom back to sleep so I brought her in my bed. Not a peep. Not a whine. Safety, comfort, and uninterrupted sleep. When she wakes up, she will be all smiles, giggles and coos.

I needed that picture this morning. I needed to go back to my Daddy's big bed, and read of his promises to me. To Remind myself that Satan has been defeated, and my Jesus ALWAYS wins!

I am becoming more diligent in writing the bible. (Do you know how long it takes to write ONE chapter?!?!)

Anyway! This morning I read, "The Lord, before whom I have walked, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success.."

It was as if those words jumped off the page--right to me--right to my soul--those words were for me this morning, from my Papa.

I will hang on every word of that verse today. He will make this journey a success. I will stay tuned in so I don't miss it. Any of it.

The Land Between

My Heart Momma shared about a message she heard yesterday at the Willow Creek Summit. She knew it was exactly where I am. Jeff Manion is coming out with his new book, "The Land Between", and I can't wait to get my hands on it. My mom sent me the first chapter of it, and I just wept through it. I am in The Land Between. In the Land Between, "For now" is the language, prayer doesn't seem to working and complaining flows faster than gratitude.

Today sucked. There I said it. Today was the last of a lot of things. Last day in this house, last bath for Gracie in the kitchen sink, last time taking her for a walk, last time kissing her and putting her to bed in her room. And I cried. No sobbed. No wept. For a long, long time.

I'm grieving the loss of a dream. For years I have prayed that my brother and his wife would move to Orlando so we could all be together again. Two months ago, he answered that prayer when they moved to Winter Park, with sweet Aviana Marie. Tomorrow, the truck is being packed and its getting on 95 and heading to Miami. Away from my dream of all of us being together. Tonight, the realization that we are going to be gone for at least 4 years and we may never be in the same town again hit me harder than I would have liked. I don't understand why He would answer my prayer only to take it away.


The Land Between is where life is not what it was...everything is in question...everything has been interrupted...and you have to find your footing and the new normal.

All I know of me, towards all I know of Jesus.

I would do anything to stop her tears!

Can I get an "amen" from all the Momma's out there who would do ABSOLUTELY anything to stop the pain and make the tears stop?!

Gracie had her 4 month check up today and had to have 5 shots. It kills my heart to watch her look me right in the eyes and just cry!! I want to take the nurse out who is inflicting this pain on my girl. She was brave, though! She was cheerful all day, and she even got a couple licks of a lolly pop from her Sassy for being so brave! =)

She is 17.7 pounds and in the 90th percentile in weight and head circumference and 70% in height!

Dr. Lagod is sending us for some X-rays of her hips to rule out any problems. Her gluteal creases do not match and she wants to be sure there isn't any problems. We are believing and praying there is not, and would love for you to pray with us! We go on Thursday morning! =) Oh, and for those of you who have not had the opportunity to see her "gluteal creases" they are pretty much ADORABLE!!! I love that pumpkin!!

Boxes

They are everywhere. I put my big girl panties on and started putting things in them. They have been here for a while now, but I have put it off. There is something sobering about packing up memories.

This house holds a lot of those. Maybe that is why its so hard to leave. Maybe knowing that for at least the next 4 years this wont be our home anymore, or maybe never again. This was Gracie's first home. The first place we went after leaving the hospital. Her first bedroom. Where I sat for hours before she arrived praying for her before I even met her. The room that she won't ever remember, but oh how it is etched in my memory. This was also the home that my desire to ever have a "Grace" began. I took care of my Nana here. We were room-mates. Oh, how I love that lady. Leaving is going to take a lot of grace, and I'm thankful I know who gives it.

My precious friend reminded me that I was going to have to put a period on this chapter of my life and start a new one. The one that I have dreaded. The one that reads, "Our new home in Miami". Gracie needs a home. She doesn't just need a house or a condo to rent for the next 4 years, she needs the safety, security and stability of a home. So in an effort to provide what my sweet girl needs the most, I am in the process of uprooting myself and replanting in a new territory. A new normal. A new everything.

Here is what I know, and what I am banking my entire life upon. God loves me, more than I love anything or anyone, and He wants me to seek him. So here begins the journey to seek the God I love.

I feel like Lucy from The Chronicles of Narnia when she asked if Aslan was safe, and she was told by Mr. Beaver, "Of course He is not safe, but He is good". God doesn't call me to safety or mediocrity. He isn't calling my husband to safety or mediocrity. God wants something done that only the Graeser's can do. I agree with Mr. Beaver. He is good!

If I want Gracie to live and die by the motto of "Graeser's don't whine or give up", then I better start being the example.

My mom always used to say, "When you don't know what the next step is, just do the next right thing." The next right thing for me is to continue packing up my kitchen.