My Heart Momma shared about a message she heard yesterday at the Willow Creek Summit. She knew it was exactly where I am. Jeff Manion is coming out with his new book, "The Land Between", and I can't wait to get my hands on it. My mom sent me the first chapter of it, and I just wept through it. I am in The Land Between. In the Land Between, "For now" is the language, prayer doesn't seem to working and complaining flows faster than gratitude.
Today sucked. There I said it. Today was the last of a lot of things. Last day in this house, last bath for Gracie in the kitchen sink, last time taking her for a walk, last time kissing her and putting her to bed in her room. And I cried. No sobbed. No wept. For a long, long time.
I'm grieving the loss of a dream. For years I have prayed that my brother and his wife would move to Orlando so we could all be together again. Two months ago, he answered that prayer when they moved to Winter Park, with sweet Aviana Marie. Tomorrow, the truck is being packed and its getting on 95 and heading to Miami. Away from my dream of all of us being together. Tonight, the realization that we are going to be gone for at least 4 years and we may never be in the same town again hit me harder than I would have liked. I don't understand why He would answer my prayer only to take it away.
The Land Between is where life is not what it was...everything is in question...everything has been interrupted...and you have to find your footing and the new normal.
All I know of me, towards all I know of Jesus.
The Land Between does suck. I wish I could tell you from experience that you don't stay there for long. But, I think I've acquired a permanent pass in this place of not understanding. What I don't understand....how your Mom overcomes cancer to struggle with her leg....how you can work so hard to make things right and normal, and roadblocks stop you in your tracks, on a daily basis....how someone can hear a child crying because they miss you, or beg for your love, and you do nothing....how anger and hate isn't corrected or at least avenged....how much is ENOUGH? Good grief, I could go on forever. But, I can't tell you the number of times that I've literally thrown up my hands, screaming I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE. And I mean sooooo it! I don't understand how I can't find that stupid white towel. I look everywhere, begging to 'throw it in' and give up, but it's somewhere in the piles of laundry to do, and I can't get my hands on it. If I could, I'd probably throw it in, stomp on it, rub my elbows in it, spit on it a few times, and then taunt it and say, "so there". But, when you TRULY do not understand, convinced that it just 'shouldn't be' this way, is when the Lord reveals exactly who He is. He's much bigger than me. And He's much bigger than you. When I'm frustrated, the LAST thing I need is someone to tell me that they're BIGGER than me. Those are times when I need to feel BIG ENOUGH to handle it. On more than one occasion, I've offered to duke it out with my God. Imagine that....me taking on the creator of the universe. We can be so stupid. Even when I have totally lost my sense of humility and trust in Him, He ALWAYS takes my gloves off. Kicking and screaming, I feel His arms around me and His tears on my shoulder, as I weep. I realize that even though I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND, HE IS THERE. I do ask why, ALL the time. Yet to get answers to the big why's, but I do get His LOVE. My Mom once said, "I'm getting good at not understanding." OK, but I don't want to. For some, that might be enough but I can't stop there, cause I don't feel like gaining an experts license in that field. I WANT TO UNDERSTAND. I know the best thing for you right now would probably be some really awesome, inspiring GOOD NEWS in response to what you're going through. Well, leave it to me to go all opposite! Know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You may get to the point (may be there right now) where Gracie is in your arms, and Tim is right next to you, but you’re still in the most solitary place. It's ok. You're not. But, it's a place to grow. When you typically feel 'strong enough' and then get to a point where deep down, you don't feel strong at all, it's still ok. Seems like a longer, harder fall for us (than most) since we can usually take it on the chin, like a good trooper. But, God made our chins even stronger! Lis, I LOVE YOU. I am SO PROUD of you. There aren't many people who could handle this. But, you can. I UNDERSTAND and KNOW this, because God can. He has chosen this time in your life. He chose Tim, Gracie, and YOU. I wish I could break out the sparkling magic wand and sprinkle the "everything's ok" dust all over you, but you just need to know THERE IS a reason. It's the Lord's reason. So, keep fighting. We have known too much of an awesome, never-failing, all-forgiving and knowing, miraculous Savior, to forget it all now. Bank on it, sis. Go ahead and try to have it out with Him...I've got some boxing gloves you can borrow (I'm gonna want them back). He will get those gloves off, and get you to an understanding far better than anything in between. Apparently you have joined my Fearless Fight Club. Welcome! But, we ARE fearless. He's got us in the palm of His Rocky Balboa hands. I can already hear The Eye of the Tiger playing in the background.
ReplyDeleteMy girl gets it! Oh how I wish I could take all her pain and your's and kiss it and make ir all better. BUT this transformational growth in the land between is making a path for the faith and TRUST that pleases Jesus. He is making a way. I love you both, my birth daughter and heart daughter Patti
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry lis, the land between can be so tough. I will be praying for you to have peace while you are moving to Miami.
ReplyDeleteLis - are you familiar with "Hinds Feet In High Places"? I read it during one of those 'In Between Times' and found myself staring right back at me from the pages of this amazing book. The part that so ministered to me was when the main character, Much Afraid, is in the thick fog of the forest. She can't see in front of her, she can't tell how long it will last. She calls on her Great Shepherd and He says, "But I can see, you just have to trust me." - Not easy, but true!
ReplyDeletePraying for you right now. God is calling you to be brave and step out and trust that He can see the path ahead. For now, He is drawing you to Himself. May you find strength in knowing He is enough!
Stacey Thacker