Getting good at not understanding.

Patti Shaffer is a hero of mine in more ways than one. I want to be like her, but never wanted to be part of some of the clubs she is in. The "Losing a parent to Alzheimer's", "Surviving a Miscarriage, Cancer, Husband Almost Dying in Motorcycle Accident, and Getting Good at Not Understanding Why" Clubs. I really didn't want an invitation to ANY of those.

Well.

I now find myself an unwilling member of two: "Miscarriage" and "Getting Good at Not Understanding Why".

There are some things that I won't understand on this side of Heaven. Miscarriage is one.

She texted me this a couple of days ago

"When we walk across heavens threshold, the first thought will be, 'of course'. For one day, it will all make sense." - C.S. Lewis

To be quite honest, I want this to be behind us. I want it to be something that happened and not something that is currently happening. The anticipation of what comes next is so hard for me.

My body, like my heart, is still holding on. Its been 2 weeks since we've learned what had happened, and around 4 since our Maker decided Hope Caroline was better off in Heaven.

My desire since day one has been for my body to take care of itself naturally and to not have to take labor inducing medicine or have surgery, but my heart has changed. There is something morbidly wrong, for this Momma, to "pass" the tissue of a baby into the toilet and flush it. Unless that happens over the next couple days, I can't do that on purpose. I am visual and ultra sensitive, and I think that would break my heart even more.

We've contacted our loved OB and midwife in Orlando and will be scheduling surgery next week, Lord willing. Tim starts school on Tuesday, and we have an amazing support in Orlando to help with Gracie while I recover.

I have many friends who have traveled this road before me and have given me their insight and what they did, and I am so thankful. Sad that they went through it too, but thankful for what they have shared. There isn't one way to cope or handle this situation, and will not pretend that the road we are taking is the only right one. My friend Emily told she thinks everyone that goes through this has to figure out what is best for them. I couldn't agree more.

Yes, we understand the risks associated with surgery.
Yes, we have prayed about this.
Yes, we are sure.

While we know everyone is well intentioned, please save your D&C horror stories for someone else. We are trusting the Lord in this too.

We are looking forward to getting back to a "new normal".

My poor husband has been running 100 mph since August and the first thing he hears when he walks out of his last final exam is, "I am bleeding and on my way to the hospital". This break has not been relaxing at all. He hasn't stopped to breathe and in a week has to start his busiest semester yet. On top of it all Gracie is teething and might have an ear infection. He is a superstar and I CANNOT imagine going through this without him.

For now, I just keep reminding myself that one day I will be able to say "of course".

We would covet your prayers as we seek to walk out the next couple of days and weeks.

Random thoughts.

Things I have learned through this:

Emotions hit at different times with different intensities. And I thought PMS was bad. Wowzers.

People I do not even know have reached out in ways that are beyond my imagination. It makes me realize that you don't have to be friends with someone to touch their soul. I will be much more aware of others around me in pain. I will reach out, regardless if we are close or not.

I love getting flowers and cards but getting sympathy flowers and cards are different. I am, however, every thankful for everyone of them. While I do not like what they stand for, not having any would make this journey even more difficult. They make us feel loved. Thank you!

My precious sister in law took family pictures for us at Park Ave yesterday. It was bittersweet. I love having new pictures, but it was going to be the day that we did pictures for christmas cards to announce that there were soon going to be 4 of us. To me, I look 2 and a half months pregnant...I love finally looking pregnant but I don't like it when there isn't a baby with a heartbeat. Its just another reminder of something that was, that is no longer. Its rather depressing actually. In fact, you can see it on our faces.

While I very much appreciate everyone telling me that I am brave, that my faith is amazing and I am an inspiration, I still want my baby back. This is when I have to lean in to the chest of Christ and trust that this really is a part of my story, and it will make me better.

I am a list maker and follower--check it off the list and be done. I can't do that with this. I have to be patient with the process.

Prayer request: Please pray that my body is able to do things naturally. They will only let you go for so long before they want to do a d&c--because they are afraid of infection. I do not want a d&c but do not want an infection either. I will be going to the Dr. in Ft. Lauderdale on the 28th.

Pray for my sweet husband. He is so strong. His faith in His God is contagious and I am SO proud of him. He is hurting just the same, probably in ways I can not comprehend.

Pray for my heart. There are many emotions still to come, I am sure.

Hope Caroline

My Hope is in the Lord, and my Hope is with the Lord.

The night we found out our second treasure was with her Maker, I dreamed it was a girl.

I woke up last night and couldn't go back to sleep. Through my tears I asked Jesus to hold her close enough that she would be able to hear His heart the same way she heard mine.

It was as if He whispered, "Have Hope Lis, I have Hope".

Today our hope remains in the Lord that knew all of this long before we did.

Hope Caroline Graeser, you are a loved, precious and perfect treasure. The only thing softens the blow of losing you is knowing that you are in the arms of the Father and will never have to live in this evil, sinful and dark world. You were created for Heaven. Your heart will never be broken, sad or in pain. You will only know joy and rejoicing with the Risen King all the days of your life.

We are rejoicing with you today and can't wait to be with you again! Until then, we will do our best to embrace and walk through these days knowing the Lord will be faithful to carry us through. We are smiling as we think about you and all that eternity holds.

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body" -C.S Lewis

Uncharted waters.

If you think about us, will you pray for us? We are swimming in tears that we have never cried before. Uncharted waters.

The announcement was never formal, and now I'm very glad we kept it close. I was 10 weeks pregnant, and yesterday everything changed. Yesterday was one of the most difficult days of my life.

I began cramping and bleeding when I woke up yesterday morning. My first thought when I saw the blood was, "My God is the same God that He was yesterday--before I woke up to this, He was, and is, and will be."

While I began praying silently for this precious child that the Lord was forming inside me, He began to prepare my heart.

The cramps got worse and so did the bleeding. The doctors recommendation was to head to the Emergency room--they needed to see an ultrasound to determine what I already knew: my baby was in the arms of our Savior. I didn't want to go. That would make it final, more real.

"I know the plans I have for you, Lis"

I will rest in that. I am. We are.

When Tim was done with his final exam, he started the drive from Miami, and I started the drive to the same hospital where Gracie was born. I found myself laying on a hospital bed reciting the same verse that I had said over and over again to myself while I was laying in the OR for an Emergency C-section with her almost two years ago.

"For God did not give me the spirit of fear, but of power, love and sound mind"

Cling to that. I am. We are.

Holding Sarah's hand, reciting "In all things give thanks" The ultrasound tech was quiet, didn't turn the screen towards me or offer to hear the heart beat, it was if He whispered,
"Be still, and know that I am God"

I am not, but I know I am!

I saw her finish her paper work and watched her type "0" in the heart beat box.

The tears started then, and haven't really stopped.

The pain is great, but He is greater still.

"So if you find life difficult because you're doing what God said, take it in stride. Trust him. He knows what he's doing, and he'll keep on doing it. 1 Peter 4:17 MSG

The physical pain is a constant reminder of the things my body is going to endure with no reward on this side of heaven, but oh the day when I cross through those gates and run to hold my child for the first time! Physical pain will dissolve, but the eternal will remain forever.

As I erase the weeks counting up to my due date every Tuesday, it will be a contant reminder to keep counting--keep counting the blessings. The gifts. For there has to be something better than this.

I bought a new book on Tuesday with no idea of what was going to unfold this week- here is what I read this morning.
"What if we knew this interrupted life was less about the problem and more about the process? What if we knew this road block or aggravation hadn't caught God by surprise even if it's come as a shock to us? What If we knew that the direction He was taking us provided opportunities we'd always dreamed about, even if they didn't look exactly the way we thought they would? What if we knew, by not getting what we wanted, God was ultimately giving us something better? I think we can know-and live like we know." -Priscilla Shirer, Life Interrupted.

I don't know anything other than this: God is good, ALL the time, He loves me more than I love the baby He is holding, and His plans for me are good.

Is this day hard? Harder than you know unless you have been through it too.

My hearts desire this year has been "Heaven in '11", and that will not change.

I have an even stronger desire to get to heaven today than ever before. I can't wait! Just a warning: If the rapture happens, and we all go together, you better run faster than these Graeser's because we will knock you down to get there!

Come Get us Lord Jesus!