I have high expectations. Of a lot of things, but as I am learning recently, mostly about myself.
In my mind, everyday starts at a zero, and if I complete all of my tasks and to do list, then I end at 10. If I don't, I end in negative numbers.
Recently, a lot of my days have been ending in negative numbers, which to me, is extremely frustrating and even a little depressing. I feel like there is not enough time in a day to do all that my "wish list" holds. Get up early enough to have my quiet time with the Lord, exercise and shower all before Gracie wakes up, morning chores, run errands, make lunch, get Gracie down for a nap, CCS work, swim lessons, make dinner, clean up house before Tim gets home, eat dinner, clean up again for the 100th time, bath time, play time with daddy, clean up again and then bed time.
Gracie hasn't been sleeping well. Read that as, won't sleep unless she is in my bed. Go ahead and pass your "I would never let my kid sleep in my bed" judgements. It's ok. I didn't think I would either...until, she was waking up 4-5 times from night terrors, petrified and begging to be held. After the 3rd time, it's a lot easier to put her in my bed and go back to sleep.
So, after nights like that, the first thing to go is waking up before the sun to achieve the first 3 things on my to do list. Before my eyes even open, I am at a negative. How am I going to accomplish those things with her awake?
I once heard a quote that said, "Expectations are premeditated resentments."
It is so true! When I feel exhausted and discouraged, those resentments creep in. "If I didn't have to...if she would...if he wouldn't...and on and on.
My top strengths are discipline and achiever...to operate outside of those are unfamiliar to me...to not be achieving them, goes against my very nature.
So I am seeking to explore the ways in which the Lord would have me let go of expectations of myself. I want to be able to do it all, but at this rate, I am going to kill myself trying.
Here is the truth I will continue to put in front of myself:
There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
Abba, please help me embrace the precious season you have placed me in. Be my hands and feet. Be the center. Be glorified in my feeble attempts to be more like you. Amen
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Swim lessons.
Gracie starts swim lessons in a hour. She has no idea what is about to happen, and my stomach is in knots, because I don't know what is going to happen either.
There it is again. Fear.
Of the unknown, of the wide eyed screams and calls for help. It goes against everything in you to ALLOW someone to take your child and do something that is uncomfortable and scary.
Hmmm. There is the spiritual lesson. I have to TRUST Miss Angelica with Gracie just like I have to TRUST her to the Lord. She is not mine, but His.
My eyes are set on the finished product. Her being able to float, swim, hold her breath and the peace that comes in knowing if she fell into the pool, she has the tools she needs.
My job is to give her the tools, the support, the cheers and encouragement. AND lots of lollipops and snuggles when she is done with her swim lessons.
Pray for her. Pray for me. I will attempt to be POSITIVE pool side, but right now, I just want to throw up.
I will let you know how it goes. 30 days of this. Day one starts today.
There it is again. Fear.
Of the unknown, of the wide eyed screams and calls for help. It goes against everything in you to ALLOW someone to take your child and do something that is uncomfortable and scary.
Hmmm. There is the spiritual lesson. I have to TRUST Miss Angelica with Gracie just like I have to TRUST her to the Lord. She is not mine, but His.
My eyes are set on the finished product. Her being able to float, swim, hold her breath and the peace that comes in knowing if she fell into the pool, she has the tools she needs.
My job is to give her the tools, the support, the cheers and encouragement. AND lots of lollipops and snuggles when she is done with her swim lessons.
Pray for her. Pray for me. I will attempt to be POSITIVE pool side, but right now, I just want to throw up.
I will let you know how it goes. 30 days of this. Day one starts today.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Battle of the wills
Tonight, I battled it with Gracie. I won but she put up a pretty good fight.
She is a determined and relentless treasure of gold, and I know it will serve her well in this life. However, when she is exhausted beyond belief, Mommy knows best.
The hardest stage may be approaching, if it hasn't already showed it's ugly face. She is 18 months and knows what she wants, feels things very deeply, and doesn't know how to handle her very intense emotions. (Maybe that is my problem in life, I never grew out of that stage?!) Ha! Add 2 year old molars on top of it, and shear exhaustion from playing with her cousins, and it doesn't always end pretty.
As if that isn't enough, she has been having what I think are nightmares or night terrors. My girl that used to sleep through the night wakes up frantic and terrified, practically crawling out of her bed into my arms. It truly is heart breaking.
She would much prefer to stay up until 11pm, sleep in between mom and dad, and never take a nap. I am sure she would also like to eat endless candy and cupcakes, but I guess that is why she has a mom. Certainly if she only had a Sassy, she would be allowed to do all of those things. :)
As I was putting her to bed, she was screaming my name, and all I can tell her is, "shhh, it is time for bed", and if she just closed her eyes long enough, it would all be ok. And then it hit me. He tells me that everyday too.
"Don't worry about your life, Lis, what you will eat or what you will drink. Stop fighting, rest, Be Still, and Know...know that Daddy knows best. " I fight it longer than other times. Sometimes not at all. Sometimes until I literally can't cry anymore.
And.
Then.
Surrender. Quiet. Rest.
Isn't that what He wants? Isn't there a way to get to that place without the fight? It's always a choice.
"Not my will, but Your will Lord. Not my timing, but yours".
As Gracie gives up, and her sobs turn into small, shallow, pitiful sighs, I can't help but think. The very small smile on my face, has to be on His too. When He walks away and says to the angels, "Battle of the wills. But I won".
My flesh wants to win...My heart does not. I want to surrender.
What about you?
She is a determined and relentless treasure of gold, and I know it will serve her well in this life. However, when she is exhausted beyond belief, Mommy knows best.
The hardest stage may be approaching, if it hasn't already showed it's ugly face. She is 18 months and knows what she wants, feels things very deeply, and doesn't know how to handle her very intense emotions. (Maybe that is my problem in life, I never grew out of that stage?!) Ha! Add 2 year old molars on top of it, and shear exhaustion from playing with her cousins, and it doesn't always end pretty.
As if that isn't enough, she has been having what I think are nightmares or night terrors. My girl that used to sleep through the night wakes up frantic and terrified, practically crawling out of her bed into my arms. It truly is heart breaking.
She would much prefer to stay up until 11pm, sleep in between mom and dad, and never take a nap. I am sure she would also like to eat endless candy and cupcakes, but I guess that is why she has a mom. Certainly if she only had a Sassy, she would be allowed to do all of those things. :)
As I was putting her to bed, she was screaming my name, and all I can tell her is, "shhh, it is time for bed", and if she just closed her eyes long enough, it would all be ok. And then it hit me. He tells me that everyday too.
"Don't worry about your life, Lis, what you will eat or what you will drink. Stop fighting, rest, Be Still, and Know...know that Daddy knows best. " I fight it longer than other times. Sometimes not at all. Sometimes until I literally can't cry anymore.
And.
Then.
Surrender. Quiet. Rest.
Isn't that what He wants? Isn't there a way to get to that place without the fight? It's always a choice.
"Not my will, but Your will Lord. Not my timing, but yours".
As Gracie gives up, and her sobs turn into small, shallow, pitiful sighs, I can't help but think. The very small smile on my face, has to be on His too. When He walks away and says to the angels, "Battle of the wills. But I won".
My flesh wants to win...My heart does not. I want to surrender.
What about you?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
September reading
If you have not read Angie Smith's book, "What Women Fear", it is a must!!
Read it in one day!! I loved it and gave it 5 stars! :)
Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovics, was amazing! Read it in one day, and gave it 5 stars! :)
Also really enjoyed "Why Her" by the Hunter girls.
Am in the middle of Beth Moore's study on Daniel and loving it!!
and now reading, "This Was your Life" by Rick Howard--THOUGHT PROVOKING!!
Read it in one day!! I loved it and gave it 5 stars! :)
Loving the Little Years by Rachel Jankovics, was amazing! Read it in one day, and gave it 5 stars! :)
Also really enjoyed "Why Her" by the Hunter girls.
Am in the middle of Beth Moore's study on Daniel and loving it!!
and now reading, "This Was your Life" by Rick Howard--THOUGHT PROVOKING!!
Sunday, September 11, 2011
18 Months of pure joy!
This little munckin is 18 months old today!
And I love her more every single day. She is the joy of her daddy and my life!
And I love her more every single day. She is the joy of her daddy and my life!
Thursday, September 1, 2011
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