Stress and time.

Have you ever looked up the definition and signs of stress?! Holy moly!

Signs of stress may be cognitive, emotional, physical or behavioral. Signs include poor judgment, a general negative outlook,[citation needed] excessive worrying, moodiness, irritability, agitation, inability to relax, feeling lonely, isolated or depressed, acne, aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea, dizziness, chest pain, rapid heartbeat, eating too much or not enough, sleeping too much or not enough, social withdrawal, procrastination or neglect of responsibilities, increased alcohol, nicotine or drug consumption, and nervous habits such as pacing about, nail-biting and neck pains.

Those are a lot of signs and symptoms for one little word. I feel like I know that word well. Too well. I feel like I live there. How do you live with it knowing that it is not something the Lord wants me to feel? How do you pretend having a husband in medical school isn't stressful?

Living in the moment. Counting my blessings and gifts and 4:8 thinking...they help but it doesn't make it go away.

Time. I need time. His time. With no agenda. No exams to study for. Coffee because we want to drink it, not because he needs it to be awake.

The days recently are long. The weekends and free time are short. The sleep is even shorter.

But.

August is coming...a mountain top...to breathe...and prepare emotionally, spiritually, and mentally for the next mountain that is to be climbed.

I can't wait until his smile returns. The one Emily remembers...not the stressed, keeping his head above water and trying to survive smile. The real one.

35 days.

Treasures.

I have had the honor and privilege of taking care of 5 little treasures the last couple days. Mine, and my sisters 4.

We have had so much fun!! Popsicles, pool parties, splash pads, pizza, movies, crafts, laughing, baths, yogurtland, play grounds.

What a full couple days I have had with them! Gracie has played hard, and sleeps good!! She LOVES being with her cousins.

I love watching her with Jackson. I think they are going to grow up to be best buddies!

They are all asleep now, and I am still smiling. I love how different all of them are. I love the things they love. I love listening to Emily play with her belts. They come alive in her imagination and I love to listen to her play. Kate makes me laugh! The way she says, "Oh my!" about things and her quick whit make me smile! Kiley is so, so sweet! She is such a good play mate for Gracie! Lauren is amazing. She is going to be an awesome mom because she is an awesome sister and cousin. She is so helpful and so tender.

I love having an older sister who has walked the roads that I am going to eventually walk with Gracie. It is so encouraging to know that if you put the time, attention, love and disciple in your kids, your reward will be great! Sarah is enjoying amazing, well behaved, secure and fun girls because of the years she has put in to them. I can only hope that I am half the mom she is.

Blessed beyond measure to be with these treasures these last couple days!

Letters of Love.

I am a sentimental freak. I admit it. I am. I save everything, and want every occasion big or small, to be big! I am all about traditions and memories, so you can imagine that with a baby, I am in my element! I LOVE it.

But.

I am also controlled by my fears. I am a work in progress. It is a weakness but also in a twisted way, a strength.

I was watching Oprah and saw an episode of the mother who was diagnosed with cancer and recorded more than 200 hours of conversations for her daughter. Walking her through most of her child hood into adult hood because she knew she would not be around to do it physically. I was moved to tears. A lot of tears.

I don't have cancer, nor do I have any illness or health conditions that imply that my days are almost over, but I do know this. Life is but a vapor. A blink. A moment. In just one moment, everything could change. I could be gone.

So I started thinking, what if that was me. What if God called me home tomorrow--Gracie is 14 months old.

Would she remember me? Would she know how absolutely crazy I am about her? Would she sense the Legacy that I so desperately want to leave her?

There was only one way for me to be sure of it. To write her letters for the big things in life that every mom wants to walk a daughter through-- Asking Jesus in her heart, Having a baby, getting married, being engaged, dating, College, Prom, High School, Graduation, Driving, Starting her period, Losing her first tooth, Her first serious injury, etc.

So I started writing. And writing. And writing.

As I sat in front of a blank piece of paper, I thought to myself, "What would I want to read from my mom if she wasn't here when I was... getting married, having a baby, broke my arm, was leaving for college, had a fight with my dad?"

"What do I want Gracie to know more than anything in this whole world"?

The answer? She is the Daughter of the King, She is loved unconditionally, She is special, She is celebrated, She is a treasure, Her emotions are normal, and I am Proud!

This exercise has changed me...I find myself in the midst of frustration, pausing, taking a deep breath and saying (a lot of times out loud) "Don't miss this Lis, tomorrow it could be gone"!

Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren’t commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privilege. Never forget. - Ann Voskamp

If tomorrow, Jesus calls me home, I want my girl to know and be told by everyone around her that her Momma loved her with everything she had, and took her job as her mom very, very serious.

Help me, Jesus, in remembering that I have the privilege of sculpting this little girls soul.

Here are some pictures of her love letters:

15 months

Today, Gracie is 15 months old. Where has the time gone?!
Here is a picture of her favorite things, and a picture of my treasure. She makes me smile!