Some days I feel like I have learned absolutely nothing and I can only see how much I still need to learn. Today is one of those days.

I am reading Andy Stanley's book, Enemies of the Heart, and it is ROCKING my world. I usually finish a book quickly, but with this one I am taking small bites and still feel like I may burst into tears at any point along the way.

Holy. Moly.

Yesterday, I thought I was navigating the journey of my life relatively well...but today, I am not so sure.

Let me be clear about one thing from the very beginning:

I do not claim to live a difficult life. Many (and maybe even most) people have a much pain-filled and difficult journey and story than I do.


I had an amazing childhood. I have parents who have been married for 35+ years. I have four siblings that I consider my very best friends and who now have spouses who are also my very best friends. I have an amazing husband who grew up in a home similar to mine. I have a 2 year-old daughter who is a source of pure joy and blessing.

But…

There. is. still. pain.

I don't enjoy pain. I like comfort. I like structure. I like organization and planning. I don't like unknowns or "growth opportunities.” But the more I seek the God I love, the more I am aware that He LOVES all of those things!

I believe that’s why my life has unfolded the way it has: God has forced lovingly pushed me out of my comfort zone, and forced encouraged me to grow.

And hello, NO ONE told me that your spouse might force encourage that too!!! Someone needs to tell people that in pre-marital counseling! Ha!

My desire is to be a woman after God's own heart.

It’s like having a seed, planting it, watering it, pruning it, until it sprouts a flower...or two.

The flowers may not come until heaven but the process has to start here. I don't want to be like the man in scripture who didn't do anything with what the Lord placed in his care.


I want flowers. Fruit. Growth.

BUT! I don't like pain!!!!!!!

Do you see my daily struggle?

Then you will understand why I burst into tears today when I read, The discomfort is part of the cure. To fix your heart we've got to exhaust it periodically and then let it rest.

I feel like my heart has been on a stress test for the last two years.

Becoming a mom.

Moving to Miami.

Being a wife to a medical student.

Working part time.

Miscarrying.

All of the pain past, present and future are all part of the cure.

So as I continue to read Andy's book, I am begging God to help me break free from the four emotions that control us. Guilt, Anger, Greed. Jealousy.

I kind of wish I could say that I don’t have an issue with any of them.

I really wish I could say I don’t have an issue with all four of them!

That’s another truth that makes me want to burst into tears!

God always has one of three responses when we prayerfully seek Him.

Yes.

No.

Wait.

Here we are. Waiting.

My body is functioning as it should be, and I am not pregnant. That's my answer: wait.

I am thankful for the growth and the ability to look at newborn pictures on facebook and completely and freely celebrate with those momma's with those babies in their arms. I delight in them. Its funny how the very thing you avoided for a while is the thing that seems to be like a soothing balm to my heart.

Because lets be honest. I have a lot of friends who have suffered this loss. I have a lot of friends who when I get a text or phone call from a silent, oh please, Lord, not another negative test. But they keep coming, and its all in the way you look at it, I suppose.

Even when I see the negative test, I am positive this is still part of God's great plan.

I am positive its all in His hands.

I am positive He is faithful.

I am positive that in His timing, I will see a positive test.

It still hurts, this I am positive of too.

But I am positively healing and ready for the day that the Lord answers mine and my dearest friends desire with a big, healthy, chubby cheeked, YES!!!

I am trying to see this less as an obstacle and more of an opportunity...to grow...trust...to soak in every minute with Tim and Gracie. To just be...Three.

Holley Gerth says in her book, "You Are Already Amazing"-
We've been made perfect-but we're still in the process of being made holy. God's goal in our lives in growth.

* Perfectionism is all or nothing.
* Growth is little by little.
* Perfectionism is all about the goal.
* Growth is all about the journey.
* Perfectionism is about outward appearances.
* Growth is about what happens inside.
* Perfectionism is about what we do.
* Growth is about who we're becoming.

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. Proverbs 4:18

Growth- I am positive its happening.