A month out.

I am so thankful for your prayers, and encouragement the last month.

My heart has stopped bleeding, and is healing a tiny bit at a time, and the big hole is closing. The tears have become less and the laughs more. The dreaming of how God is going to grow our family has continued instead of being angry at what He took away from us.

Yes, Lord, I do still trust you.

There have been many times during the last month that I have screamed, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" I never hear an audible answer but my heart has gotten different whispers. Some times, pure silence. Its on days like those that I have to lean in closer, be more still, and finally say, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."

I don't have His answer. I don't need it. When you don't know what the next thing to do is, do the next right thing. The next right thing is and has been to put my faith fully in Him and rely heavily for His direction.


Perfect faith is faith that moves us to trust God when He doesn't seem to be moving.- Andy Stanley


He has been still for a while now, or so it seems. But looking back, He hasn't been. I haven't taken many steps. I haven't had too. I have been carried. Its slow, but its forward. He hasn't left me yet.

My plan and my faith is designed to trust God.

This isn't random. This is His story for me. This is her story. Its the story that I can start here, and she can finish there. I started her book, and as she sits on the lap of her Father, they finish it. Without heartbreak, sin and evil. Only joy. Only trust. Only good.

My story is being written here and will end there too, as will yours. What you pen here matters. How you live matters. How you trust matters. How you deal with heartbreak matters.

There are lessons to be learned from a little girl that I never met face to face but that I knew so well already.

To trust.

Fully.

When none of it makes since.

It's not about me, but Him.

I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me according to your word. Luke 1:38TNIV

I won't lose Hope. I won't here, and I won't there. Praise Jesus!

The Aftermath

After any hardship, there is an aftermath--that is what we are dealing with now. The little waves of emotion that hit, out of the blue, for no reason, or because I heard a newborn cry while I was in the recovery room. (Can I just say that there should be a seperate wing for people who have lost babies--while it was torture, I found myself saying on behalf of that mother, "Thank you Lord for that babies heartbeat."

How does a God who is sovereign and good allow this to happen? Because He is sovereign and good. Because He does have a plan. Because He is still on the throne. My little mind just doesn't understand it, yet. Maybe never will, but its not for me too.

Surgery is over. It was on Tuesday.

God carried me through the day. Everyone was so kind. The anesthesiologist made me laugh and got my mind off of why I was there. For about 30 seconds.

Physically, I feel great. Little pain and little reminders of what my body has endured.

My heart just needs to catch up. There are times when I feel like I have turned the corner on the grief, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again.

"It will get better, but you have to give it time" my sister reminds me.

I know healing won't happen over night. In fact, it didn't really start until Tuesday. Now that it is behind us, I know there are a lot of emotions I have yet to walk through. I have to be patient with the process. I may walk through the very same ones I have already found myself in. Maybe for a month, a year, or the rest of my life. I don't know.

Healing is happening, and I am thankful. It is getting easier. Easier for me to think about Tuesdays, easier for me to smile when I see anything with the word 'Hope' instead of break down and cry, easier to think about the summer, easier for me to express what I am really feeling.

Forgive me if I have "avoided" your phone calls. Talking about it is still too hard. Yes, I want to talk to you--but in talking to you, it involves talking about the last 4 weeks--and to be honest, I just don't want too. I don't want to answer the question, "how are you?" because if you REALLY want to know, I am very, very sad.

Please don't get your feelings hurt or read into any of the distance that I have put between myself and you. Yes, it is intentional, but it is not personal. I want to make sure I take the time to do what I need to do with the Lord- I have a history of stuffing emotions, and to do that in this senario, could be very toxic. Thank you for understanding.

I am not avoiding the subject. Trust me. It is talked about continually. Right now its just talked about with my Jesus, my husband, and my family.

We appreciate your prayers, support and encouragement.

He is worthy to be praised. He is good all the time, and all the time, He is good.