Yesterday was a hard day. Sometimes I get discouraged by the amount of those days that come. I try to be very intentional, to be thankful in all things and always counting my blessings...and even in the joy, hard days come. Then I realized, no matter how positive my out look on life is, this world is full of sin, and until I am reunited with my Father, those days are going to come.
One year ago I conceived a baby that now resides in heaven.
Be still and know...
Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.
"After a miscarriage, you are very fertile...I think you will be pregnant in no time"...
2 months.
4 months.
6 months.
Wait.
"I feel like your thyroid may be enlarged, lets get that checked out to see if that is normal."
Wait.
"You are a new patient? Ok, our first available appointment is in 7 weeks."
Wait.
"All of your blood work is normal, and your thyroid appears to just be how your thyroid anatomy is, but we will do an ultrasound to rule out any disease. In two weeks."
Wait.
"Thank you for your inquiry and desire to be a Foster Parent, unfortunately you do not qualify at this time."
No.
I do not know or understand why the answers keep being wait and no.
It's hard to have the capacity and desire to love on babies...even other people's babies and not be given the chance. It's even harder when the doubts come that He is holding out on me. Punishing me.
I usually fight those pretty good..but you can only fight for so long before you need a break. And just need your sister to cry with you on the phone. That was yesterday.
Sometimes the pain is just to remind us that this isn't our final destination. The ache and disappointment is real. And deep. But since you can only feel one emotion at a time, I will choose to desperately, intentionally and whole heartedly choose to see my days with Gracie as a gift. I refuse to look back over the most fun years of her life and have regret. Because what if God doesn't bless me with anymore children? What if she is my one and only...I will enjoy her. Color with her. Do check up's all day long. Draw on big cardboard boxes, do crafts, swim, and play hide and seek.
I am in a season of waiting. But I won't sit around and wait. I will do and be.
Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
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This is just. what. I . need.
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind, I am making you my guest post today.
I read your words, and it's like I wrote them.
I know how hard this is.
You are an inspiration.
P.S. We should write a book :)
You are a blessing to the world and so is your daughter....YOU WILL have more children just because you are so wonderful! New to your blog...keep the positive attitude~ the exact day I found out I was pregnant with my first I also found out that my husband had stage 4 cancer.....what a roller coaster that was, 5 years later and he is in remission, he had a very positive attitude about the whole thing, keep your chin up! you are blessed! Have a great day!
ReplyDeleteJamie
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