Ansley Joy

My precious girl is here, and we're in total love with her.

Alive!

Imagine.

You are Mary Magdalene.

The first person to see Jesus alive.

It is the most amazing moment in all of history.  The Savior is Risen.  Alive.

With Easter around the corner, I just wanted to remind you--He is Alive.  Risen.  Risen Indeed.

Oh, thank you Jesus!!

This is my new(est) favorite song!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I3kZ4cE-akw

2013 is going to be a good year!

2012 is over, and now so is January 2013.  At times, it’s hard for me to wrap my brain around how fast time goes by - and then there are times that I feel like it just drags on.  Am I the only one?

It’s no secret that 2012 started extremely sad and heavy hearted for us.  “Happy New Year” turned into a pre-op appointment with a D&C scheduled for the next morning.  

Those were not resolutions that I had penned in December. But ultimately, my Creator did, and I am thankful He knows what is best. Even on the most painful of days.

The last three years have been nothing but full on growth for my heart and my trust in the Lord.  Moving from my comfort zone to Miami with a 5 month in tow was not something I wanted to do. I was convinced it was going to ruin my life, my marriage, and my heart.  Boy, how wrong I was.  

Moving has since proven to be the best thing for our marriage, my heart, and our life.  I fully know and understand what scripture talks about when it says, you should leave your father and mother and be one with your spouse.  In many ways I had. But, in ways I didn’t realize were even possible, we have grown together in our move to Miami.  It was me, Tim, and Gracie.  Because she was only 5 months old, all she provided was sleepless nights, a momma's heart bursting with love, and the cutest chubbies to pinch.

I am confident that this is why I didn’t have any close friends here for the first year.  God wanted Tim and I to rely only on each other and stick like glue.  Now, looking back, I am glad that the stickiness was His plan.  I can’t imagine where we could be with the stresses that have happened since that first year here.  And I thought that was hard, HA!

We were pleasantly surprised to find ourselves pregnant in October with a baby due the day Tim took his first set of Boards.  Then the excitement turned to pure nightmare.  I started erasing the weeks leading up to my due date from the calendar and, well... just throw the whole calendar out because it was written in pen, “DUE DATE!” 

In the days following the news that we would not hold that little girl this side of heaven, I was convinced that this right here was going to destroy my heart.  How could good come from such pain? How could something really hurt this bad? 

Let me just also say, I am absolutely convinced that if you have not walked this road, you can. not. know. the. pain. I won’t pretend I know the pain of a mother burying her new born, or 5 year old from cancer - but it is a taste, a taste I never desire to experience again.  

But!

God, in His amazing love, faithfulness, and grace, showed up in those darkest of days and carried me.  Met me  at my worst... in my tears and angry fits of rage. With tears in His eyes, He simply whispered, trust me. I know... But trust me.

Some days I did that a lot better than others. And other days, well, I just told Him I couldn’t.  And  yet, He still met me.  Never left and just kept whispering, trust me, Lis.  This will be good.

To think about my miscarriage and  a blessing is something I still can’t utter... but on the other side, the growth that came from it has been good.  So good.  Such a blessing.  I am convinced that suffering takes you to a place where nothing else can. And, if you let it, fertile ground is laid for the Lord to sew seeds that can turn into beautiful, strong Redwoods.  

I shouldn’t be surprised that I didn’t realize the growth until December 16, 2012.  Two days after the year anniversary of that day.  I was looking at a pregnancy test turn from one pink line to two.  And while I tried to catch my breath, a million thoughts ran wild in my head.  Oh God, thank you.  Thank you for this.  Thank you that for this split second, you and I are the only ones that know.  Thank you, thank you.  

And then a strange thought that I was not expecting...And Lord, if it brings you glory, you can have this one too.  

Those thoughts came and went as I turned to go find Tim.  I am pretty sure I walked around in shock for a few hours.  No, I know I did.

It began a constant and daily practice to not let Satan steal my joy, cause I tend to be fearful and anxious about EVERYTHING.  A lot of days, I cry all the time. (holy pregnancy hormones that I forgot about!)  Other days I throw up all the time.  And still others I find myself saying, Thank you God.  But do what brings you glory.  Even if that means... well, you know.

THAT is how I know there has been growth. The very thing that has caused my heart the GREATEST pain to date, has brought the Father glory and brought me to a place of total surrender of my wants and desires.   These children are His, and I am just a vessel to get them here, raise them to be warriors, and teach them how to be sold out for Him.

Today, we are thrilled to report that I am 12 weeks! We have had a sonogram where my sweet sisters that went with me to the hospital to see no heart beat, were able to come and see a very strong heart beat.  It was so healing to my heart to replace that old memory with a new one.   Today, I had my first pre natal appointment and was able to hear the heart beat through the doppler.  Oh what a glorious sound! 

We would love and appreciate your prayers as we walk out the next several months.  A lot of big changes are coming for Team Graeser in 2013, including a move, a Doctor on externships all over the country, and a baby joining our tribe in August (While Dr. daddy is scheduled to be in Texas!)

  God is good, and we are so thankful for how He already knows all the details that make me want to have an anxiety attack.  Even in all the changes, I can still sense His calm whisper... It will be good, Lis.  Trust me. 

This is the video of telling our family and friends through a power point...Tim was explaining his externships and where he would be each month...and then he got to August! :) 

365 days

Sometimes music just says it all.  My heart hurts.  I've listened to this on repeat all day.

Training Two's...

There were 4 big goals I had for my big girl this year.  She has achieved all of them while amazing me along the way.

Potty training and saying goodbye to her beloved paci were the most recent two.

She got potty training faster than I thought was possible.  She doesn't like to be dirty, wet, or have a drop of anything on her clothes so after the first few times of being soaking wet, she became very aware of her body.

But with no diapers comes having to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty.  She hates to wear pull ups and when I try to put one on her, she proudly proclaims, "I don't want to wear that! I am a big girl!"

There are sometimes that pull ups are easier and a must.  ie: Aunt Lee's house with no water proof mattress... periodically, accidents still happen.

I've been told to choose your battles...so the pull up one doesn't get fought while she is awake...after she falls asleep, I put it on over her clothes.  Sneaky, I know.

Losing her paci was tough because I felt like she had to learn how to fall asleep all over again.  In the middle of the night if she lost it, she would just find it and put it back in her mouth and go back to sleep.  Now between no paci, and potty breaks in the middle of the night, we are up a lot some nights.

With all these new changes her sleep is interrupted which makes for some grumpy and tired days.  On top of being two.   Some call it the terrible two's, but I prefer to call it the teaching two's.  Or the teary two's.  Because lets just be honest, there are a lot of tears from her and ME!

Her favorite naughty thing to do it jump on the couch and for the life of me, I can not figure out why she does not understand that 1. when she falls off (which is often) she gets hurt and comes to me in despair on why the couch would hurt her.  2. we sit on the couch, or lay on the couch.  We don't stand or jump on the couch.  But it is still a daily battle if she will choose to obey or disobey.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't OVER discipline, training, teaching and being consistant.   It is exhausting.  Tim leaves at 5am and sometimes doesn't get home until 8:30pm.  I find my patiences runs out way before then.

I don't want to be a grumpy mom.  I don't want to be a mom that is loving and nurturing from 9-5 but heaven help you after that.  I don't want to be like the card I saw recently that said, I woke up as Cinderella and went to bed a Cruella De Ville.

Gracie is changing physically, emotionally and even spiritually.  Her sin nature is more evident than ever.  But now is my chance to mold her heart.  Now is the foundation on her attitude, life and how she makes good decisions.  And quite frankly, that is extremely overwhelming.

I am thankful for the encouragement of moms that have traveled through the two's before me.  My sister was here this weekend and her reassurance that its all NORMAL was so comforting!

I've chosen to stay home most days instead of partake in play dates, or run errands because we are in such tough training.  But this season will get easier, and for now, "I am doing a great work, and I can not come down."

Be encouraged Momma's!  It's all Normal! Or so I am being told :)

Heavy Heart

Since Wednesday my heart has been really heavy for a precious family in our life.  It came to light that our Pastor from Orlando resigned at our church because of an extramarital affair.

It is times like this when I lay face first in front of a BIG and loving God and beg him to wrap His arms around the Hunter family.  

Because they are well known in Orlando, the media has gotten a hold of the story...people that do not like him or his family have gotten a hold of it, and then there are those that love them deeply and support them.

It makes me incredibly angry the things that people have had the nerve to say.  

Let's be really clear.  He is a man.  A sinner.  Who yes has made terrible choices, but that doesn't make him any different than me or YOU!  

He is wearing his sin on the outside now, whereas my sin is still hidden.  

My sin and your sin grieves the Father just like Isaac's does.

The fact that people can say intentionally mean and hurtful things about someone that is just like them makes me crazy!

As a Christian woman, wife, friend and mother, my heart breaks for them...and the judgement that he will get from the Judge will be enough.   Ours isn't needed.

We are not immune to Satan's schemes, temptations or lies.  He is the deceiver, and that is his job.

There are 3 kids that miss their daddy terribly.  A wife that has more questions than I am sure she knows what to do with, and a pastor, husband, father, son, brother and friend who is being tormented by Satan.  

Pray for them.  Beg God to intervene and save him from the grip of Satan's bondage.  Pray for him.  Pray that he will grab hold of the truth, and it will set him free.  Pray that he will remember "there is a God that is absolutely crazy about you".

Summit Church was build on Jesus Christ.  Not any man.  And because of that, Summit Church will thrive and bring Glory to Christ alone.

I am sure none of the Hunter's will read this, but if they do, know you are loved deeply and prayed for continually.  

Scraps

My grandmother is an amazing quilter.  There have been many quilts made and gifted to me and my family.  Each one is a treasure, and different than the one before.

I enjoy quilting myself.  I find it frustrating to do without the expertise of Grandma, but with the help of YouTube tutorials, I have survived.

I made this quilt for my dad out of my Nana's clothes.  That made me smile, and remember a lot of precious memories with her.  What makes the quilt are the memories that go with it.  Her Blue Blouse with the paint brush that always had a tissue in it.  Her white keds, her house slippers, and her red and white heart dress in the very middle.  That is what she was buried in.  She also wore it for Christmas and other special occasions.

I made this Christmas tree skirt for my mom and dad last week.  I loved praying for them the whole time I cut, pieced and quilted it together.  All the fabrics are different, and that reminds me of my very large and different family.

As I was cleaning up and organizing my quilting stuff to go back in the closet until the next project, I was about to throw out a big bag of scraps.  I felt like the Lord whisper, "dont waste it".

Waste it?  It's just scraps I thought.  Surely nothing of use could come out of this pile of trash.

But as quickly as I thought that, I had the urge to look through it to see if I did piece things together.  I wondered if I could make some 6x6 inch squares.

I don't like throwing things away or being wasteful (thats thanks to Nana and my Dad), especially if something beautiful is only a few hours and a few yards of fabric and thread away.  I began to piece, praying silently.

Wondering who it would be for, or what it would look like in the end.

Scraps.  I am a scrap.

I wonder how many scraps I have thrown away that really could have been used.  

I sometimes wonder how many truly beautiful things I've written off as trash.

As Gracie slept this afternoon, I stitched, and this is what was on the other side of that bag of trash.  

This trash now has the potential to bring joy to someone, keep someone warm, or just remind me-that my scraps complete something.  Without them, without me, God's masterpiece wouldn't be complete.  

There is something freeing about knowing that you can be used even with your trash.  

Be encouraged friends, God has a beautiful and elaborate plan for you...and those scraps.