365 days

Sometimes music just says it all.  My heart hurts.  I've listened to this on repeat all day.

Training Two's...

There were 4 big goals I had for my big girl this year.  She has achieved all of them while amazing me along the way.

Potty training and saying goodbye to her beloved paci were the most recent two.

She got potty training faster than I thought was possible.  She doesn't like to be dirty, wet, or have a drop of anything on her clothes so after the first few times of being soaking wet, she became very aware of her body.

But with no diapers comes having to wake up in the middle of the night to go potty.  She hates to wear pull ups and when I try to put one on her, she proudly proclaims, "I don't want to wear that! I am a big girl!"

There are sometimes that pull ups are easier and a must.  ie: Aunt Lee's house with no water proof mattress... periodically, accidents still happen.

I've been told to choose your battles...so the pull up one doesn't get fought while she is awake...after she falls asleep, I put it on over her clothes.  Sneaky, I know.

Losing her paci was tough because I felt like she had to learn how to fall asleep all over again.  In the middle of the night if she lost it, she would just find it and put it back in her mouth and go back to sleep.  Now between no paci, and potty breaks in the middle of the night, we are up a lot some nights.

With all these new changes her sleep is interrupted which makes for some grumpy and tired days.  On top of being two.   Some call it the terrible two's, but I prefer to call it the teaching two's.  Or the teary two's.  Because lets just be honest, there are a lot of tears from her and ME!

Her favorite naughty thing to do it jump on the couch and for the life of me, I can not figure out why she does not understand that 1. when she falls off (which is often) she gets hurt and comes to me in despair on why the couch would hurt her.  2. we sit on the couch, or lay on the couch.  We don't stand or jump on the couch.  But it is still a daily battle if she will choose to obey or disobey.

I would be lying if I told you I wasn't OVER discipline, training, teaching and being consistant.   It is exhausting.  Tim leaves at 5am and sometimes doesn't get home until 8:30pm.  I find my patiences runs out way before then.

I don't want to be a grumpy mom.  I don't want to be a mom that is loving and nurturing from 9-5 but heaven help you after that.  I don't want to be like the card I saw recently that said, I woke up as Cinderella and went to bed a Cruella De Ville.

Gracie is changing physically, emotionally and even spiritually.  Her sin nature is more evident than ever.  But now is my chance to mold her heart.  Now is the foundation on her attitude, life and how she makes good decisions.  And quite frankly, that is extremely overwhelming.

I am thankful for the encouragement of moms that have traveled through the two's before me.  My sister was here this weekend and her reassurance that its all NORMAL was so comforting!

I've chosen to stay home most days instead of partake in play dates, or run errands because we are in such tough training.  But this season will get easier, and for now, "I am doing a great work, and I can not come down."

Be encouraged Momma's!  It's all Normal! Or so I am being told :)

Heavy Heart

Since Wednesday my heart has been really heavy for a precious family in our life.  It came to light that our Pastor from Orlando resigned at our church because of an extramarital affair.

It is times like this when I lay face first in front of a BIG and loving God and beg him to wrap His arms around the Hunter family.  

Because they are well known in Orlando, the media has gotten a hold of the story...people that do not like him or his family have gotten a hold of it, and then there are those that love them deeply and support them.

It makes me incredibly angry the things that people have had the nerve to say.  

Let's be really clear.  He is a man.  A sinner.  Who yes has made terrible choices, but that doesn't make him any different than me or YOU!  

He is wearing his sin on the outside now, whereas my sin is still hidden.  

My sin and your sin grieves the Father just like Isaac's does.

The fact that people can say intentionally mean and hurtful things about someone that is just like them makes me crazy!

As a Christian woman, wife, friend and mother, my heart breaks for them...and the judgement that he will get from the Judge will be enough.   Ours isn't needed.

We are not immune to Satan's schemes, temptations or lies.  He is the deceiver, and that is his job.

There are 3 kids that miss their daddy terribly.  A wife that has more questions than I am sure she knows what to do with, and a pastor, husband, father, son, brother and friend who is being tormented by Satan.  

Pray for them.  Beg God to intervene and save him from the grip of Satan's bondage.  Pray for him.  Pray that he will grab hold of the truth, and it will set him free.  Pray that he will remember "there is a God that is absolutely crazy about you".

Summit Church was build on Jesus Christ.  Not any man.  And because of that, Summit Church will thrive and bring Glory to Christ alone.

I am sure none of the Hunter's will read this, but if they do, know you are loved deeply and prayed for continually.  

Scraps

My grandmother is an amazing quilter.  There have been many quilts made and gifted to me and my family.  Each one is a treasure, and different than the one before.

I enjoy quilting myself.  I find it frustrating to do without the expertise of Grandma, but with the help of YouTube tutorials, I have survived.

I made this quilt for my dad out of my Nana's clothes.  That made me smile, and remember a lot of precious memories with her.  What makes the quilt are the memories that go with it.  Her Blue Blouse with the paint brush that always had a tissue in it.  Her white keds, her house slippers, and her red and white heart dress in the very middle.  That is what she was buried in.  She also wore it for Christmas and other special occasions.

I made this Christmas tree skirt for my mom and dad last week.  I loved praying for them the whole time I cut, pieced and quilted it together.  All the fabrics are different, and that reminds me of my very large and different family.

As I was cleaning up and organizing my quilting stuff to go back in the closet until the next project, I was about to throw out a big bag of scraps.  I felt like the Lord whisper, "dont waste it".

Waste it?  It's just scraps I thought.  Surely nothing of use could come out of this pile of trash.

But as quickly as I thought that, I had the urge to look through it to see if I did piece things together.  I wondered if I could make some 6x6 inch squares.

I don't like throwing things away or being wasteful (thats thanks to Nana and my Dad), especially if something beautiful is only a few hours and a few yards of fabric and thread away.  I began to piece, praying silently.

Wondering who it would be for, or what it would look like in the end.

Scraps.  I am a scrap.

I wonder how many scraps I have thrown away that really could have been used.  

I sometimes wonder how many truly beautiful things I've written off as trash.

As Gracie slept this afternoon, I stitched, and this is what was on the other side of that bag of trash.  

This trash now has the potential to bring joy to someone, keep someone warm, or just remind me-that my scraps complete something.  Without them, without me, God's masterpiece wouldn't be complete.  

There is something freeing about knowing that you can be used even with your trash.  

Be encouraged friends, God has a beautiful and elaborate plan for you...and those scraps. 

Sunflowers

Gracie and my mother in law planted sunflower seeds at the end of August.  Within a few days tiny sprouts we're desperately trying to get their head above the soil to see the sun.   They were fragile but determined.  It astounded me how quickly and how much they change daily.

Gracie and I have loved watering them every most mornings and watching them get bigger.  

Since the weather has gotten more fall-like, I have been doing my quiet time on the balcony, and have found myself starring a lot at the sunflower plants.

It's just like God to teach you something through something as simple as a small sunflower seeds that have turned into a plant nearly as tall as Gracie.

I tend to be pretty visual, so when I see something that is struggling because of a lack of water, I wonder.  That's just like me...when I don't feed myself things full of nutrients, I begin to wither.  It's a slow process but faster than you may think.

When a full day goes by that we forget to do something as simple as pour some water on the sunflowers soil, they look really sad.  Begin to droop and shrivel up.   I am sure if they had the ability to   tell me their feelings it would be something like, "You forgot about me!" "You don't care!" "You say you will take care of me but don't!"

I have loved observing how these plants grow and lean towards the sun.  I think that is my favorite part.   They stretch their tiny limbs out and lean towards the good stuff.   

There have been some storms that have come and the wind has gotten pretty strong.  They whip around and just when I think they are going to break, they don't.  Because before they grew up, they grew down.   The roots are deep and strong.  They have done all the work to ensure they are able to withstand wind, rain and even a two year olds torture.

There is now finally a little bulb on the top that is going to be a beautiful sun flower.  I want it to bloom so bad!  I want it to open so I can see its beauty, but currently, it's not ready.  The Maker hasn't said it's time yet.  So I wait.

As I sit and think of the lessons from my sunflower plant, it kind of takes my breath away.  Because I know it is not just coincidence.  It is a whisper.  From the Son, to me, one of His plants, that sometimes feels very forgotten about.

Lessons that even a little green plant can teach you:

Plant yourself in a nutritious soil, free from weeds.  And wait.  

Feed yourself daily.  Every morning preferably.  When the end of the day comes, you won't feel weary, or wilted.

Make sure you are in the sunlight.  Grow towards Him!  Stretch out those arms and enjoy the sunlight! 

Don't get frustrated by the growth time.  Your roots have to grow first.  Growth is happening even if its not on the surface.

When you least expect it, you may see a beautiful flower bloom.  It will make it easier to continue on the journey.  The flowers are the little things the Maker rewards you with...to keep you encouraged and walking on the journey, looking for more flowers.

I want my life to be full of flowers.  Don't you?



The plants have been watered, and so has my soul.  Happy Sabbath Day!

Wait.

Yesterday was a hard day.  Sometimes I get discouraged by the amount of those days that come.  I try to be very intentional, to be thankful in all things and always counting my blessings...and even in the joy, hard days come.  Then I realized, no matter how positive my out look on life is, this world is full of sin, and until I am reunited with my Father, those days are going to come.

One year ago I conceived a baby that now resides in heaven.

Be still and know...

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.

"After a miscarriage, you are very fertile...I think you will be pregnant in no time"...

2 months.

4 months.

6 months.

Wait.

"I feel like your thyroid may be enlarged, lets get that checked out to see if that is normal."

Wait.

"You are a new patient?  Ok, our first available appointment is in 7 weeks."

Wait.

"All of your blood work is normal, and your thyroid appears to just be how your thyroid anatomy is, but we will do an ultrasound to rule out any disease.  In two weeks."

Wait.

"Thank you for your inquiry and desire to be a Foster Parent, unfortunately you do not qualify at this time."

No.

I do not know or understand why the answers keep being wait and no.

It's hard to have the capacity and desire to love on babies...even other people's babies and not be given the chance.  It's even harder when the doubts come that He is holding out on me.  Punishing me.

I usually fight those pretty good..but you can only fight for so long before you need a break.  And just need your sister to cry with you on the phone.  That was yesterday.

Sometimes the pain is just to remind us that this isn't our final destination.  The ache and disappointment is real.   And deep.   But since you can only feel one emotion at a time, I will choose to desperately, intentionally and whole heartedly choose to see my days with Gracie as a gift.   I refuse to look back over the most fun years of her life and have regret.  Because what if God doesn't bless me with anymore children?  What if she is my one and only...I will enjoy her.  Color with her.  Do check up's all day long.  Draw on big cardboard boxes, do crafts, swim, and play hide and seek.

I am in a season of waiting.  But I won't sit around and wait.  I will do and be.

Psalm 130:5
I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope.

Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

A letter to myself

Read about the book and the challenge to write yourself a letter. 

Dear 16 Year old Lis,

You are young, and at a vital crossroad in your life.  This is fertile soil you are laying, and it will determine your life in the next 10-15 years.  Ponder your path choices carefully and make a decision with your head, not with your heart.  Your heart is deceitful about all things, you will soon find out.

If I could take you to Twistie Treat, I would beg for you to understand some things.

Your dad does know what he is talking about...He is wise and loves you more than you can imagine.  He is going to have really hard conversations with you.  The sooner you come to understand that he is not trying to ruin your life, but give you the best one possible, the better off you will be.  No boy stands a chance to your dad.  No matter what boys tell you.  Promises will be broken, and your heart will shatter, but your dad will not change.  He will remain steadfast, begging God to reveal to you what is right, true, and good.  Don't be afraid to blindly trust your dad.  He is trusting His Dad on your behalf.

You will clash with your mom.  Often.  She does not understand all your emotions, but she will be one of your best friends and greatest role models later.  Learn.  Read what she reads.  Watch her habits and rituals.  Find your place, and meet your Father there daily.  You will fear the conversation that will come after the breakup, but those words will never come... "I told you so" won't cross her lips, she will hug you tight and just whisper, "I am so sorry!"  Inside, she will be celebrating, because she knows that in the next couple of weeks, through counseling, you are going to find yourself.  Lies are going to be undone, things are going to come to light, and you are going to understand God's goodness in not giving you what you prayed for.

Friends come and go, but your sister is in a whole different league.  You will think you won't ever be able to have a relationship with your sister while your in the midst of your darkness, but fear not, young soul, she will be your greatest ally and biggest cheerleader.  She will also tell you when you are seriously out of line and are just being a big brat.  You will watch her family grow from one precious girl to 4, and you will love those children like your own.  You will have a sister that is a Mother of Many Nations, and a hero to three little girls that she rescued.

The man of your dreams IS out there.  You will meet him after hours of weeping before the Father and giving up your dreams, asking Him to make them new.  Little will you know that 7 weeks later you will be engaged and on your happy way planning a wedding.  But in the midst of the excitement of planning the wedding, don't forget to plan the marriage.  Be intentional.  Begin laying the foundation of what your marriage is going to be built upon.  Because it gets hard fast, and if your foundation is not built on Christ, it will crumble.  You will see.

Life at 16 is hard, but it's even harder at 28.  At 28 you will have grown more than you realize.  Don't be overwhelmed.  Focus on baby steps.  Don't beat yourself up for being "ultra emotional", embrace it.  It is how you were crafted, and if your family didn't need you in it, God wouldn't have placed you there.  But there you are.  Smack dab in the middle of a big, loud, loving family.  The creme of the Oreo.  The sweetest part.  The heart of it, if you will.

Choosing joy and fighting Satan will be a battle you have to fight daily.  Keep fighting.  It does matter.  Be tough.  Get dirty.  Fight.  There is only one of you, and this world needs you.  You feel like you don't have anything to offer, and fail more than you succeed but each day that goes by is one day closer to eternity.

Don't hold everything in. Or anything back.  You might not get tomorrow.  People you love may be taken away.  Your heart will break in ways that you still don't understand or comprehend how it is going to work for the good, but He says it will.  He doesn't lie.

Do for one what you wish you could do for everyone.  Find your life long friends and feel safe.  Be you.  The you that was created to bring Glory to the Father alone.

Love,
28 year old you.