Gracie's 2nd Birthday

Minne Mouse water bottles =)

Cupcakes!

Special cupcake for the birthday girl!

Mouse tails!

Fruit cones!

Chocolate covered strawberries!

"Photo booth"

The table =)

Banner, made by the amazing, Nicole Werner :)

The Piñata I made from a box, and black tissue paper! So fun!

Photo frame for "autographs"

Creativity table!

The birthday girl, with her adorable shirt from the talented Emily Campano!

Cheaters

My husband is a cheater.

It's a choice he makes. He chooses to cheat.

Wait.

Before you go getting all upset that I just said that on my blog, let me explain!

He has three main titles: husband, father, and medical student. He cheats one to be better at the other two.

In a message I listened to recently from Andy Stanley called "Choosing to cheat", he says, "Everyday we make a decision on how we will spend our time. There is not enough time to do everything that needs to be done. Therefore, something always gets cheated. We need to learn to cheat at work and stop cheating at home. Instead of asking God to fill in the gaps at home, we should ask God to fill in the gaps at work and trust God to be faithful."

Tim cheats. He cheats at school but does not cheat at home. While others in his class are getting together to study after classes are over, Tim comes home to play. He comes home to eat. He comes home to watch Gracie so I can have some time to myself. He puts 6 hours a week into a part time job that brings in some money to make it possible to do fun things, eat out, for me to be able to go to Orlando, and drive a new car.

I am so thankful for a husband that CHOOSES to put his family first. Because he does, God fills in the gaps. When he can't do anymore, he trusts God with the outcome.

It says a lot about Tim when other people are not doing as well as he is and they have less than he has to worry about. They have no wife, no child, no part time job, and no leadership positions that they hold at school.

It makes me smile when I think about all that Tim Graeser is accomplishing because he answered the call on his life to go. To move to Miami, to enroll in school and be the leader that he is.

But be sure of one thing.

He doesn't do it in his own strength. He couldn't. He does it only through the strength of Jesus Christ, and to glorify Him alone. He could be at the very top of his class, and the valedictorian, but instead he is at the top of God's will for his life.

That my friends, lasts for eternity.

If you have a husband that cheats everywhere but home, tell him you appreciate him. I know I don't do that enough, and from what Tim says, they never get tired of hearing it! :)

Dear Hope

There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you and wonder what you're doing in your heavenly home. It has been 12 weeks since we learned that your grande entrance was made into heaven and that it wouldn't be made here.

Sometimes I think that it gets easier but more often than not, it feels like it gets harder.

You are not forgotten. Life has gone on for everyone, and has gone back to normal but you are not forgotten. The questions may have slowed down to see how we are doing living without you but you're not forgotten and you never will be.

While we are praying for the Lord to grow our family- it hurts thinking about you not having a crib in our house, toys on the floor and clothes hanging in a closet. I imagine your crib, toys and clothes are more amazing than anything I could give you here. Our home can't compare to your home. The stationary rocking horse can't compare to the all white horse that I imagine you riding around on.

It feels wrong actually- asking the Lord to create life in my body in His timing after begging for your life on that Wednesday, December 14th. Sitting at Omie's house texting others to pray for you. For me. For daddy.

The truth is your have life. Fully. You are fully alive in Christ- and while the tears still come, that makes me smile.

It is in fact baby season again. 10+ people that I know are pregnant and it seems more are sharing their joys everyday. I am so thankful that the Lord gives life abundantly. I find myself praying for them, but in a different way. I pray that they will never know the pain I have come to know. That they won't have to experience the deep heart hurt that my dear friends, Lindsey, Emily, Angela, Sarah and so many others know.

Although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone, the fact is you are with Jesus and I do know it. But because I know it I can understand, relate and pray on a deeper level that I have never known before. Through knowing the pain of losing you, I have learned the pain of knowing Jesus much deeper.

Following Jesus has never proved to be easy. Just worth it. The pain on this side of heaven is to much to carry sometimes, until I remember that its temporary. This will all be worth it.

Hope Caroline, you have changed me. In the short weeks I knew of you, you changed me. You changed my heart and opened cavities in it that I never knew existed. I will never forget you because my heart will never be the same.

I love you,
Mommy

Her last month being one!

In less than a month, my girl is going to be 2.

I cannot believe it. Where has the time gone?

There are very few things left of "baby"- her paci and sleeping in a crib. She will have both until she graduates high school. She still asks for her bottle every. single. day! oy!

I am up to my nose in planning her Minnie Mouse party, and I can't wait. I love this. Celebrating someone I love. I celebrate her every day, but I love the thought of tons of people coming together on one day to celebrate her too. She is the best thing in my world and should be celebrated in big ways! :) You can roll your eyes here, I have issues, I know! :)

As March 11th gets closer, I can't help but remember every minute of her birthday.
9pm checking into Winnie Palmer to be induced.
1030pm checking into our room and being told to put on that "gown"
11-1130, exam with nurse, answering a million questions and signing tons of papers.
12am- order what they say would be my "last supper" before the big day
12:17am- Nurse comes in because my heart rate monitor was going off.
12:18am- 12 people rush my room, desperately trying to get her heart rate to be found. Then rushed to the c-section room.
12:20am-Tim calls my dad and sister to come to the hospital. While he is kept outside I am laying on the c-section table begging the Lord for her life. They find her heart beat. THE BESTTTT sound in the whole entire world.
12:27am- they let Tim in and begin surgery.
12:33am- I hear her scream- the second best sound in the world. Tim and I are parents and have loved every second of it!

We are so thankful for the treasure God has blessed us with.

I am however, not sure what I think about her growing up and being 2!!! Slow down time!!!

A month out.

I am so thankful for your prayers, and encouragement the last month.

My heart has stopped bleeding, and is healing a tiny bit at a time, and the big hole is closing. The tears have become less and the laughs more. The dreaming of how God is going to grow our family has continued instead of being angry at what He took away from us.

Yes, Lord, I do still trust you.

There have been many times during the last month that I have screamed, "WHERE ARE YOU?!" I never hear an audible answer but my heart has gotten different whispers. Some times, pure silence. Its on days like those that I have to lean in closer, be more still, and finally say, "Speak Lord, your servant is listening."

I don't have His answer. I don't need it. When you don't know what the next thing to do is, do the next right thing. The next right thing is and has been to put my faith fully in Him and rely heavily for His direction.


Perfect faith is faith that moves us to trust God when He doesn't seem to be moving.- Andy Stanley


He has been still for a while now, or so it seems. But looking back, He hasn't been. I haven't taken many steps. I haven't had too. I have been carried. Its slow, but its forward. He hasn't left me yet.

My plan and my faith is designed to trust God.

This isn't random. This is His story for me. This is her story. Its the story that I can start here, and she can finish there. I started her book, and as she sits on the lap of her Father, they finish it. Without heartbreak, sin and evil. Only joy. Only trust. Only good.

My story is being written here and will end there too, as will yours. What you pen here matters. How you live matters. How you trust matters. How you deal with heartbreak matters.

There are lessons to be learned from a little girl that I never met face to face but that I knew so well already.

To trust.

Fully.

When none of it makes since.

It's not about me, but Him.

I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me according to your word. Luke 1:38TNIV

I won't lose Hope. I won't here, and I won't there. Praise Jesus!

The Aftermath

After any hardship, there is an aftermath--that is what we are dealing with now. The little waves of emotion that hit, out of the blue, for no reason, or because I heard a newborn cry while I was in the recovery room. (Can I just say that there should be a seperate wing for people who have lost babies--while it was torture, I found myself saying on behalf of that mother, "Thank you Lord for that babies heartbeat."

How does a God who is sovereign and good allow this to happen? Because He is sovereign and good. Because He does have a plan. Because He is still on the throne. My little mind just doesn't understand it, yet. Maybe never will, but its not for me too.

Surgery is over. It was on Tuesday.

God carried me through the day. Everyone was so kind. The anesthesiologist made me laugh and got my mind off of why I was there. For about 30 seconds.

Physically, I feel great. Little pain and little reminders of what my body has endured.

My heart just needs to catch up. There are times when I feel like I have turned the corner on the grief, and then it hits me like a ton of bricks all over again.

"It will get better, but you have to give it time" my sister reminds me.

I know healing won't happen over night. In fact, it didn't really start until Tuesday. Now that it is behind us, I know there are a lot of emotions I have yet to walk through. I have to be patient with the process. I may walk through the very same ones I have already found myself in. Maybe for a month, a year, or the rest of my life. I don't know.

Healing is happening, and I am thankful. It is getting easier. Easier for me to think about Tuesdays, easier for me to smile when I see anything with the word 'Hope' instead of break down and cry, easier to think about the summer, easier for me to express what I am really feeling.

Forgive me if I have "avoided" your phone calls. Talking about it is still too hard. Yes, I want to talk to you--but in talking to you, it involves talking about the last 4 weeks--and to be honest, I just don't want too. I don't want to answer the question, "how are you?" because if you REALLY want to know, I am very, very sad.

Please don't get your feelings hurt or read into any of the distance that I have put between myself and you. Yes, it is intentional, but it is not personal. I want to make sure I take the time to do what I need to do with the Lord- I have a history of stuffing emotions, and to do that in this senario, could be very toxic. Thank you for understanding.

I am not avoiding the subject. Trust me. It is talked about continually. Right now its just talked about with my Jesus, my husband, and my family.

We appreciate your prayers, support and encouragement.

He is worthy to be praised. He is good all the time, and all the time, He is good.

Getting good at not understanding.

Patti Shaffer is a hero of mine in more ways than one. I want to be like her, but never wanted to be part of some of the clubs she is in. The "Losing a parent to Alzheimer's", "Surviving a Miscarriage, Cancer, Husband Almost Dying in Motorcycle Accident, and Getting Good at Not Understanding Why" Clubs. I really didn't want an invitation to ANY of those.

Well.

I now find myself an unwilling member of two: "Miscarriage" and "Getting Good at Not Understanding Why".

There are some things that I won't understand on this side of Heaven. Miscarriage is one.

She texted me this a couple of days ago

"When we walk across heavens threshold, the first thought will be, 'of course'. For one day, it will all make sense." - C.S. Lewis

To be quite honest, I want this to be behind us. I want it to be something that happened and not something that is currently happening. The anticipation of what comes next is so hard for me.

My body, like my heart, is still holding on. Its been 2 weeks since we've learned what had happened, and around 4 since our Maker decided Hope Caroline was better off in Heaven.

My desire since day one has been for my body to take care of itself naturally and to not have to take labor inducing medicine or have surgery, but my heart has changed. There is something morbidly wrong, for this Momma, to "pass" the tissue of a baby into the toilet and flush it. Unless that happens over the next couple days, I can't do that on purpose. I am visual and ultra sensitive, and I think that would break my heart even more.

We've contacted our loved OB and midwife in Orlando and will be scheduling surgery next week, Lord willing. Tim starts school on Tuesday, and we have an amazing support in Orlando to help with Gracie while I recover.

I have many friends who have traveled this road before me and have given me their insight and what they did, and I am so thankful. Sad that they went through it too, but thankful for what they have shared. There isn't one way to cope or handle this situation, and will not pretend that the road we are taking is the only right one. My friend Emily told she thinks everyone that goes through this has to figure out what is best for them. I couldn't agree more.

Yes, we understand the risks associated with surgery.
Yes, we have prayed about this.
Yes, we are sure.

While we know everyone is well intentioned, please save your D&C horror stories for someone else. We are trusting the Lord in this too.

We are looking forward to getting back to a "new normal".

My poor husband has been running 100 mph since August and the first thing he hears when he walks out of his last final exam is, "I am bleeding and on my way to the hospital". This break has not been relaxing at all. He hasn't stopped to breathe and in a week has to start his busiest semester yet. On top of it all Gracie is teething and might have an ear infection. He is a superstar and I CANNOT imagine going through this without him.

For now, I just keep reminding myself that one day I will be able to say "of course".

We would covet your prayers as we seek to walk out the next couple of days and weeks.