Stress and time.

Have you ever looked up the definition and signs of stress?! Holy moly!

Signs of stress may be cognitive, emotional, physical or behavioral. Signs include poor judgment, a general negative outlook,[citation needed] excessive worrying, moodiness, irritability, agitation, inability to relax, feeling lonely, isolated or depressed, acne, aches and pains, diarrhea or constipation, nausea, dizziness, chest pain, rapid heartbeat, eating too much or not enough, sleeping too much or not enough, social withdrawal, procrastination or neglect of responsibilities, increased alcohol, nicotine or drug consumption, and nervous habits such as pacing about, nail-biting and neck pains.

Those are a lot of signs and symptoms for one little word. I feel like I know that word well. Too well. I feel like I live there. How do you live with it knowing that it is not something the Lord wants me to feel? How do you pretend having a husband in medical school isn't stressful?

Living in the moment. Counting my blessings and gifts and 4:8 thinking...they help but it doesn't make it go away.

Time. I need time. His time. With no agenda. No exams to study for. Coffee because we want to drink it, not because he needs it to be awake.

The days recently are long. The weekends and free time are short. The sleep is even shorter.

But.

August is coming...a mountain top...to breathe...and prepare emotionally, spiritually, and mentally for the next mountain that is to be climbed.

I can't wait until his smile returns. The one Emily remembers...not the stressed, keeping his head above water and trying to survive smile. The real one.

35 days.

Treasures.

I have had the honor and privilege of taking care of 5 little treasures the last couple days. Mine, and my sisters 4.

We have had so much fun!! Popsicles, pool parties, splash pads, pizza, movies, crafts, laughing, baths, yogurtland, play grounds.

What a full couple days I have had with them! Gracie has played hard, and sleeps good!! She LOVES being with her cousins.

I love watching her with Jackson. I think they are going to grow up to be best buddies!

They are all asleep now, and I am still smiling. I love how different all of them are. I love the things they love. I love listening to Emily play with her belts. They come alive in her imagination and I love to listen to her play. Kate makes me laugh! The way she says, "Oh my!" about things and her quick whit make me smile! Kiley is so, so sweet! She is such a good play mate for Gracie! Lauren is amazing. She is going to be an awesome mom because she is an awesome sister and cousin. She is so helpful and so tender.

I love having an older sister who has walked the roads that I am going to eventually walk with Gracie. It is so encouraging to know that if you put the time, attention, love and disciple in your kids, your reward will be great! Sarah is enjoying amazing, well behaved, secure and fun girls because of the years she has put in to them. I can only hope that I am half the mom she is.

Blessed beyond measure to be with these treasures these last couple days!

Letters of Love.

I am a sentimental freak. I admit it. I am. I save everything, and want every occasion big or small, to be big! I am all about traditions and memories, so you can imagine that with a baby, I am in my element! I LOVE it.

But.

I am also controlled by my fears. I am a work in progress. It is a weakness but also in a twisted way, a strength.

I was watching Oprah and saw an episode of the mother who was diagnosed with cancer and recorded more than 200 hours of conversations for her daughter. Walking her through most of her child hood into adult hood because she knew she would not be around to do it physically. I was moved to tears. A lot of tears.

I don't have cancer, nor do I have any illness or health conditions that imply that my days are almost over, but I do know this. Life is but a vapor. A blink. A moment. In just one moment, everything could change. I could be gone.

So I started thinking, what if that was me. What if God called me home tomorrow--Gracie is 14 months old.

Would she remember me? Would she know how absolutely crazy I am about her? Would she sense the Legacy that I so desperately want to leave her?

There was only one way for me to be sure of it. To write her letters for the big things in life that every mom wants to walk a daughter through-- Asking Jesus in her heart, Having a baby, getting married, being engaged, dating, College, Prom, High School, Graduation, Driving, Starting her period, Losing her first tooth, Her first serious injury, etc.

So I started writing. And writing. And writing.

As I sat in front of a blank piece of paper, I thought to myself, "What would I want to read from my mom if she wasn't here when I was... getting married, having a baby, broke my arm, was leaving for college, had a fight with my dad?"

"What do I want Gracie to know more than anything in this whole world"?

The answer? She is the Daughter of the King, She is loved unconditionally, She is special, She is celebrated, She is a treasure, Her emotions are normal, and I am Proud!

This exercise has changed me...I find myself in the midst of frustration, pausing, taking a deep breath and saying (a lot of times out loud) "Don't miss this Lis, tomorrow it could be gone"!

Motherhood is a hallowed place because children aren’t commonplace. Co-laboring over the sculpting of souls is a sacred vocation, a humbling privilege. Never forget. - Ann Voskamp

If tomorrow, Jesus calls me home, I want my girl to know and be told by everyone around her that her Momma loved her with everything she had, and took her job as her mom very, very serious.

Help me, Jesus, in remembering that I have the privilege of sculpting this little girls soul.

Here are some pictures of her love letters:

15 months

Today, Gracie is 15 months old. Where has the time gone?!
Here is a picture of her favorite things, and a picture of my treasure. She makes me smile!

Here We Go..again

Summer break is over for Tim, and tomorrow starts the Summer semester.

I'd be lying if I told you I was looking forward to it. I was intentional about not thinking about him "going back to school" during the amazing 2 weeks we had at here, in Orlando and then at the beach with Gracie. I needed it. He needed it. She needed it. We needed it.

But here we are. Back in Miami, and the choice is sitting before me. Pity party or Joy? Count my gifts or count what I wish "was"? Which I call tell you is lengthy!

I asked Tim at dinner if he ever felt spiritually "dead". His response was surprising--what did I mean by "dead"? I tried to explain, but couldn't, really. What did I mean? Dry? Lonely? Dead? I still don't know what I meant by that except for it is how I feel since being here. Maybe its because I don't feel like I am being fed the way I was in Orlando. Church, Legacy, friends and family.

I miss my mentoring girls. A lot. My Soul longed for our monthly Thursday night gatherings. Sometimes my soul even feared it. These women were real. No joking around. No faking life. They would ask me questions. Hard questions. Some I didn't even want to answer. But when I left, my soul was ecstatic and exhausted. I miss that. I miss them. All of them. I miss feeling like I have grown. I want to be more like Jesus. I want to know I am making progress. Maybe I am and just don't feel it?

Miami didn't change while we were gone. People are still rude, self centered and dark. You still get honked at ALL the time, and life here is hurried.

I have to smile when I think about God's timing though. Tim was originally supposed to start school tonight, but his class got canceled. Something about teaching Dr's having patients?! =) So he goes back tomorrow morning, all day. BUT God did something sweet for me, my best friend and her family is coming down tomorrow!! I don't know who is more excited, me or Gracie!! Those are the gifts I am counting: canceled classes and Sassy and Bub visits!

I am also counting my gifts like Baby Tylenol. Gracie has been running a fever and just feels crappy. Her fussing and whining is totally out of control because after all, she feels crappy!! Another gift: a baby that wants to "hold you" and be snuggled. All day long. I am beyond blessed to be her mom. Even when she's sick. Hopefully tonight she will rest better. She needs to be ready to play with the girls!

Thank you Lord for the journey you have set before me. I don't always like it, but if it makes me more like you, its worth it. All I know of me, towards all I know of you!

Bondage.

I am reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free, and this was so though provoking.

"Enslaved parents teach their children how to live in bondage even with the best of intentions to do otherwise."

I am becoming more and more aware of the things that I do not want my sweet Gracie girl to deal with.

This was from an excerpt from It's Always Something by the late Gilda Radner.

When I was little, my nurse Dibby's cousin had a dog, a mutt, and the dog was pregnant, but she was due to have her puppies in a week. She was out in the yard one day and got in the way of the lawn mower and her two hind legs got cut off. They rushed her to the vet and he said, "I can sew her up, or you can put her to sleep if you want, but the puppies will be okay. She will be able to deliver the puppies."
Dibby's cousin said, "Keep her alive."
So the vet sewed up her backside, and over the next week the dog learned to walk. She didn't spend any time worrying, she just learned to walk by taking two steps and flipping up her back side. She gave birth to 6 puppies, all in perfect health. She nursed them and weaned them. And when they learned to walk, they all walked like her.

Little eyes are watching. Every. Move. You. Make.

Be intentional!

A Whisper.

I finished reading Bill Hybel's book, The Power of a Whisper.

Last night I was in desperate need of a shout but would have taken a whisper too.

This is what I wrote in my journal at 9:00pm last night.
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Because you can handle it, and for what it's worth- I'm mad- I'm over it.

I hate being here! I hate that you brought us here, put us in this desert, and for all practical purposes abandon us.

Where are you??

How am I supposed to do community when there isn't any community in this place?

I'm so over being alone- so over sitting in the same 3 rooms and doing nothing of worth.

I'm so over having no friends while I know that all of my friends and family are sitting at a restaurant laughing and celebrating Nicole's birthday without me.

I'm so over not being miles away from my sister.

I'm so over medical school and it controlling mine and Tim's weekend and seeing him so tired and stressed all the time.

I'm over it! Why are we here? Where are you, Lord?

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With that, I sobbed until I couldn't cry anymore. There are very few days like this, but when they come, they come full force. I would have never imagined my Jesus would respond the way he did this morning.

I woke up and was in desperate need of my time with him, so I put Gracie in the stroller, and Chris Tomlin on my phone and ran. I would have cried if I wasn't just trying to survive! It was hot! :)

When we got back, Gracie went down for a nap, and I went to the pool.

I was reading Beth Moore's book, Breaking Free. Chapter 4 is titled, "To Find Satisfaction in God." In the chapter she talks about how you seek what will meet your need, and later says, "The most obvious symptom of a soul in need of God's satisfaction is a sense of inner emptiness. Just like your stomach growls when you are hungry, your soul growls when it needs to be fed too."

She then asked this question: Does your hungry soul ever manifest physical symptoms such as irritability, selfish ambitions, anger, impure thoughts, envy, resentment, and eruption of lust?

Yes, yes, yes! Less than 24 hours ago my soul was screaming for a whisper- a hunger that needed to fed. To really know if God did have me in His hands.

I finish that chapter right as North Point comes on--Jeff Henderson--Week 4 of Life Apps.

He was talking about Elijah in 1 Kings--and this struck me. In 1 Kings 19:3, Elijah says, "I've had enough"--or in my words, "I'm over this".

Here it was- my whisper. I asked, "where are you" and he said, "right here. I haven't moved. You did."

Jeff ends with talking about the importance of resting, recovering and replenishing so you can be at your best.

"Your life moves to a better place- when you move at a sustainable pace" Jeff Henderson

Here is how the Lord ended his sweet whisper to me--with this song by Bebo Norman. And of course the title is, "In Your Hands."

That was my whisper-and at the end, a big kiss on the forehead from my Heavenly Father. Just to let me know, He is There, and I am in His Hands.


You can listen to it on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0wnnqeu2IA


Here are the lyrics:
I didn't know I would love you when I looked into your eyes
But now I have a heart I cannot keep
And the greatest of fear is that you'll leave me here
Stranded in this water so deep

So don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
If I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands

Just so you know, I have never done this sort of thing before
I've never given up my very soul
But I have heard a voice like none I've heard before
And it's a voice that never grows old

Don't you turn away from me
Because my heart and my hopes, they're in your hands
And if I don't seem certain
It's just a common fear from a common man
But I am in your hands
I am in your hands
I know…I am in your hands